silver
Junior Member
Posts: 61
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Post by silver on Jul 5, 2011 19:21:47 GMT -5
Just wanted to thank you for the support. Miss B's right, Laurasia; that blessing is just beautiful. Thank you so much.
I try to drop by now and then to read, but I've not really been active on any of the forums I'm a member of (or a staffer on). I haven't forgotten you guys, I just have so little to say about anything right now. Mum's birthday is next week - just under three weeks after her death - and it's like... it's too soon, you know? I can't deal with this as it is, and with the birthday it's all "hey, you know how you're all heartbroken and grief-stricken, do you want that super-sized?".
Iseke, I'm so sorry that you lost your mum when you were so little. I know I was fortunate to have mine as long as I did, though I don't feel especially lucky right now.
Thanks again for your kindness. I know it's sometimes hard to trust that an anonymous net-user is telling the truth (I met someone online whose father died three times in one month) when it comes to these things but, well, I sort of hope you got that I've always been honest here and you don't feel you need to be suspicious. It's a pretty reasonable reaction to have, so I thought I'd mention it.
(I'm sorry if this post was weird and not of the sense-making. That's, um, how I've been writing lately, which is why I haven't been writing much at all.
I think I sound insane.)
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Post by Laurasia on Jul 10, 2011 16:37:26 GMT -5
~hugs Silver~ You make perfect sense, hon. I think that most of us here have lost a close loved one before, so we understand what you are going through. When my grandfather died it was only a couple of weeks before his birthday as well, so I definitely know what you mean about it being a very difficult time for you. Just take your time with everything & life will slowly start to make sense again. And I do not think that any members here ever doubted the sincerity of your situation, love. You have never given us reason to think otherwise. (Though I do know what you mean about some people being "attention hogs" & constantly "having people die" in their lives. I believe that we are very fortunate in not having any such people here though.  ) It was good to hear from you again, dear. Again just take your time with everything & remember to take care of yourself hon.  Sincerely, Laurasia |
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Post by Storm on Jul 11, 2011 3:40:17 GMT -5
Look after yourself, Silver hon.
We are all sending our love and best wishes. x
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Post by Miss Bothmann on Jul 11, 2011 14:02:59 GMT -5
It is good to hear from you silver. Hon, take all the time you need. We will be here for you whenever you need to talk.
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silver
Junior Member
Posts: 61
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Post by silver on Jul 13, 2011 8:31:17 GMT -5
Thanks, loves. Some days are worse than others. It was her birthday yesterday, three weeks to the day of her death, and it started okay - I'd written a card for her grave (we scattered the ashes over my brother's) and I felt a little better afterwards. Then I got the worst migraine of my life, worse than the one that landed me in hospital overnight, and since all I could stand was to writhe about in bed, I couldn't think of anything but mum (and the horrific pain and, sucks to be me, terror and panic that I was repeatedly ill ><). It's still here, but not as bad, so the painkillers managed to be absorbed after about an hour and a half - digestion slows to a crawl during migraines, and as I was ill last night they didn't get a chance to work.
On my worse days, or moments, I wish I was dead. Before anyone panics and sprays coffee on their monitor, I won't off myself! I just... wish it. It's like there's this gaping hole in my chest and it'll never go away or stop hurting like holy hell. This probably sounds mental (again) but... I dunno, it's easier to admit to online, especially to an understanding forum, because my family are all going about their normal business and if I say I'm sad, they just pat me on the head. My friends are great, but they're all about taking my mind off it and changing the subject. That's good sometimes, but it means I don't really have a chance to admit how I'm feeling.
I think that's the hardest part (for these few minutes; the hardest part swaps around a lot). I was always able to tell things like this to Mum, and I don't have that anymore. Last night I wanted her to be there for me, to call the doctor and browbeat a prescription out of him (I couldn't speak, nevermind use the phone) and get my lazy brother to pick it up, and it never happened. It'll never happen. She won't ever see me fall in love, or my name on the next show's programme as the leading lady, or meet her grandchild (albeit not from me!). I'll never brush her hair again, or discuss the Israel-Palestine conflict with her, or kiss her goodnight. I feel like half of me was amputated. And the sods didn't even use anaesthesia.
Sorry for the depressing TMI. Like I said, I sort of... lack anyone to tell this to. Or at least someone who wouldn't have me committed.
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Post by Storm on Jul 14, 2011 7:34:57 GMT -5
Hey, you are doing great! don't worry, you certainly do not sound like you need to be committed. You have suffered a massive bereavement and everything you are feeling is completely understandable. In fact it is great you can vent here. Go for it. you definitley need an outlet you feel comfortable in. I wish there had been such an active internet community when my Gran died.
Getting through her birthday must have been so tough, but you did it!
Sending much love, hon. You post whenever you need to.
x
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Post by Laurasia on Jul 16, 2011 17:20:40 GMT -5
Oh Silver.  You are absolutely not mental, love. You are grieving honey & everything that you have said is understandable. And I truly know what you mean about how sometimes you simply HAVE to discuss such traumatic things. Always trying to blot them out or ignore them does not make them go away, it makes them fester. While it is true that pre-occupying your mind is helpful in the beginning there comes a time when one must face what has happened head on (at least part of the time ) in order to grieve properly. I know that we on this forum could never replace the immediacy of having your mother physically right there, but you can always express yourself to us here. And, perhaps I am wrong, but I think I know what you are getting at with the whole "I wish that I was dead, but don't worry because I am not actually suicidal...if that makes any sense" thing. Your mother's presense was a very integral part of your life & yourself & her not being there with you has, quite literally, changed everything about your day to day life. That is extremely difficult to adjust to & wanting to be away from that change is normal. Explaining that in words, however, is very difficult. It's not so much that you wish you were dead, it's more that you wish things were not so different; but since they are adjusting to such a change is so very difficult that you wish you didn't have to deal with it. In abbreviated words that comes out as "I wish I were dead". Does that sound about right, hon? I am glad to hear that your painkillers have lessened your migraines for you. Just remember that you are under an enormous amount of stress right now & that alone will aggravate any migraine, anxiety, or panic disorders that you already have, so it's not surprising that you are having migraines now. Meditation is an obvious suggested to help with those types of things, but I'm wondering, hon, do you journal at all? If so, have you thought about possibly starting a journal to your mother? Sort of like continuing the conversations that you used to physically have with her but in a journal format instead? I'm not sure if you are one of us members who has trouble with journaling (I've tried general journaling numerous times without much luck at keeping on with the habit  ), but if you wrote your journal as though speaking to your mother you may find it very beneficial. Though it may be very difficult at the beginning I think that in the long run it could be something very helpful that you would enjoy. Sincerely, Laurasia |
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Post by Miss Bothmann on Jul 21, 2011 15:37:37 GMT -5
Aww silver, hon, there is nothing wrong with you. Grief shows itself differently for everyone..and on that same line, every single person grieves for different lengths of time. Laurasia has mentioned a good suggestion with the journal. I feel that it may be very therapeutic for you, though no doubt I am sure that there would be painful moments involved. Just hang in there sweetie, you are doing fine.
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), but if you wrote your journal as though speaking to your mother you may find it very beneficial. Though it may be very difficult at the beginning I think that in the long run it could be something very helpful that you would enjoy.