Marlene; Spoiled Rotten

[Laurasia]

Hi Silver.

Oh I'm so glad that you were able to have this recollection. (And oh yes...I know what you mean about not being able to go back to bed before writing down a recollection for fear of losing it. LOL!)

The relationship that you seem to have with your father, based on this single recollection, seems to shine a light on why Marlene responded to Friedrich's abuse the way that she did....she was likely used to it.

Having his name is wonderful though! Now you have something to research! Hans & Anna were similar to the two of you in that Anna's family was MUCH better off then Hans' had been. Her family approved of Hans regardless of that though.

Sincerely,
Laurasia

[Miss Bothmann]

Hi Silver,

I am happy for you that you were able to recollect your fiance. I have a similar memory of saying goodbye to Hans at a train station, but I was crying and I felt very painful inside. It always hurt me to be separated from Hans. I very much know the pain that you were feeling inside.

Yes, I was very fortunate that my family approved of Hans..in fact my brother looked up to him even though he was in the Luftwaffe and not a camp man. My father, I think, just wanted me to be happy and knew that I was head over heels in love with Hans. Besides that , my father and everyone else that I knew saw the intense ambition that Hans had.

[silver]

Thanks, you two

Laurasia, I mentioned ages ago that I really, really wanted to get a look at Marlene's relationship with her father. Like you, I wondered if there was a connection between her upbringing and relationship with her dad, and her behaviour towards Friedrich's abuse. I suppose it's a cliché, but I did do a course of Psychology and there's a lot of truth to it. Her father was a taciturn and cold man, most of the time at least, and Marlene simply knew better than to cry or ask for a hug. The part about not crying reminded me strongly of the camp memory, when Friedrich pretty much ordered her to stop. Yikes.

Ah, good to know that the financial matter wasn't that uncommon! I think her father (no mention of the mother at all yet) disapproved of marrying his daughter off to someone with so little wealth, but given his support for the Reich and positive attitude towards the SS, he did end up giving his approval. That's not to say, however, that he was entirely happy about it; he seemed a little grudging. Then again, he was hardly the sort of man to pop open champagne and tell his daughter how proud he was, so who knows.

I did try researching - who can resist? - but no luck. I don't know what Friedrich's rank was, or what camp (or perhaps camps) he worked at, or even what country they were in during his KZ work. Yesterday I found myself doing a lot of reading on Dachau, pretty much by accident - I'd been looking for the name of the comedian who died onstage, and the audience thought it was part of the act (Tommy Cooper). I ended up checking out the Twilight Zone movie page on Wiki, then an episode that revolved around Dachau... next thing you know I have twenty tabs open.

All it really gave me was a couple of emetophobia nightmares. I wish I could figure out which camp it was, as then I'd at least have a starting point. Otherwise, without a surname and rank, I don't stand much chance.

I need to give the research a rest for now, though. I ended up in tears, feeling very sick, and unable to stop imagining what life was like for the prisoners. Think I'll wait until I'm feeling a bit more capable!

[Laurasia]

Hi Silver.

Yeah I would definitely take a break from researching for a while until you are feeling better centered once again. The records will always be there after all!

I'm not asking you this because I want you to try researching it right now, but do you have any recollection of his possible job at the camp? What he may have been in charge of, or if he was just a guard, that sort of thing?

Perhaps, again - when you are feeling better, try meditating on those sorts of things & see if you get anything.

Sincerely,
Laurasia

[silver]

Just wanted to say that a couple of weeks ago, Mum went back into hospital; they'd sent her home with a serious infection. I stayed up two nights straight to look after her - she couldn't do the tiniest thing by herself - and got some sleep during the day when my brother could help her. On the third day she was... well she hadn't eaten or had any water since hospital, so she was delirious and, given how sickeningly underweight she is after the first hospital visit, the doctor was really worried that her internal organs would begin to fail. So we sent her back in. She's stable, now, but still incredibly underweight, and the infection isn't getting better yet.

Sorry for the TMI, I'm just terrible at trying to summarise how completely sucky her situation is. If they manage to bring her weight up, they'll transfer her to rehabilitation care at a hospital nearly an hour away from us, it's the one equipped to deal with her disease - and since my brother and I can't drive, getting to visit her will be... rare.

But, um, on to the point of the post - I haven't been able to meditate at all of late. Whenever I try, my mind just fills with all this stuff and I end up depressed :P Besides, I don't know what I'd do if I got a really horrific memory right now - probably flail about the house whining all day ;] Soyeah. Just to let you know what's happening with me.

[Laurasia]

Hi Silver.

I'm so sorry to hear that your family has been having such a difficult time in regards to your mother's illness. I will definitely keep all of you in my thoughts.

And it is no wonder that you have found it impossible to meditate right now! Instead of trying to actually meditate hon, just try relaxing instead. Take warm baths, drink herbal tea, etc. I don't blame you for not wanting to dig into Marlene's life right now & I certainly wouldn't suggest that you do so either.

Sincerely,
Laurasia

[Miss Bothmann]

silver,

I am keeping you in my prayers, hon.

[silver]

My mum died today.

Out of all the family, she was the one I was closest to. We agreed on all major matters - political, social, familial - and we... well, we were close.

On Saturday we were calling nursing homes, expecting her to be discharged this week. The next day she had a respiratory arrest causing cardiac arrest and they resuscitated her, but the trauma to her chest (and the recurrent lung infections) were too much - she could no longer filter out the carbon dioxide in her breath. It made her blood acidic and she was very, very confused.

They asked permission to sedate her, warning us that either way, she would die soon, and that even light sedation could hasten it. As she was very agitated and upset, we agreed. I stayed with her until the sedation set in, at which point we were told we could leave; she had another 24-48 hours. She passed fifteen minutes after we left, and we had run out of petrol by the side of the road, unable to rush back.

I can't... really describe how I feel. Everything has this shifting air of unreality to it, but every few seconds it hits me again and I cry and shake, only for the disbelief to come back. I genuinely do not know how to live my life without her - she was the centre of my universe. Right now I don't even know if I want to live without her.

Sorry for the TMI. I just feel... very lost and incredibly alone.

[eiszeit]

silver: I'm so, so, so sorry. I don't know what else to say, except for that.

[Storm]

Silver,

So, so sorry for your loss.

Be kind to yourself. And though it won't mean much right now, time really does heal.

xx

[silver]

Thank you.

It's really shaken my belief in my memories, in there being anything but this life. I wish I could know that she was somewhere better, that I'd see her someday.

[Storm]

It is completely understandable that you will be questioning things at a time like this. Try not to beat yourself up about that, make sure you have some support around you and allow yourself to feel whatever you need to. Your faith will feel like it is swept away, most probably, for a while. I had it when my Gran died. But it did come back. And you will heal, in time.

Sending many blessings to you, hon. x

[Laurasia]

Oh Silver....

I am so very sorry to hear about your loss. I know that you are in a very painful place right now, but know that it will get better in time. Of course your beliefs have been rocked, that is absolutely normal honey. Just focus on caring for yourself & (most importantly) allowing yourself to feel whatever it is that comes up for you. Everyone grieves differently & nothing that comes up for you during the process will be "wrong".

I will not preach to you (as I know that I resented being preached to when my grandmother passed on), but just know that her pain & struggle is over now. So she is in a better place. As for exactly where she is, no one can tell you that. Then again who's to say that she has left you? She may feel the need or desire to stay around yourself &/or your family for a time in spirit form, she may be resting in a place of healing/review in preparation for her next incarnation, she could be waiting in such a place until yourself & the rest of her immediate family can reunite there before continuing the reincarnation process, etc. She may even choose to incarnate within your family somewhere (perhaps as a future child of your own even). Whatever path her soul/energy decides to take just trust that it will be the right one for her. Though her journey with yourself & your family may now be over her soul will still continue on with its' own path.

While I understand that your mother was likely of another spiritual path, I would like to offer a traditional Odinistic blessing for the departure of a friend to your mother....

May Odin give you knowledge on your path,
May Thor grant you strength & courage on your way,
And may Loki give you laughter as you go.

Sincerely,
Laurasia

[Miss Bothmann]

Silver,

I am so sorry for your loss. I agree with what others here have said. No matter how you grieve, it is not "wrong". Perhaps your mom is watching over you now...or she has passed on to the next phase of her journey. *hugs*

Laurasia: the blessing that you put up is beautiful.

[Iseke]

I'm very sorry, Silver.

I lost my mom when I was ten, so...yeah, it's hard. I'm very sorry for your loss, and wish you the best through everything! *hug*