Memories of Hans Bothmann, Commandant of Chelmno

[kapitanprien]

Laurasia,

Unfortunately even those of us who were separated from all of that get tossed in. Thankfully - not long ago, an opportunity opened up for me to prove - with some documentation - that many Germans did NOT know about what was going on - on the vintage living forum that I visit. After that, I got the response along the lines of it being impossible to argue against me.

I think in the case of you folks - people need to realize that anti-Semetism was nothing new in Europe - that it's been around for centuries and the conditions at the time gave someone (anyone) and opportunity to capitalize on it. Hitler didn't 'create' anti-Semetism.

[Laurasia]

A Friends' (Albert's?) Funeral

On the ride home from vacation I had a recollection of a friends' funeral (his name may have been Albert). He was killed while we were fighting partisans in Yugoslavia.

I believe that his funeral took place in Berlin. It was a group funeral for all of the men in the Prinz Eugen unit who hadn't made it back home.

Of course, all of the usual pomp & ritual...everyone in full uniform, flags everywhere. I remember being extremely depressed & disenchanted by it all. I plan to retire, or at least step down. (As evidenced by the previous blog entry, that never occured.) Anna stands silent & somber at my side. She knows that I am grieving deeply even even though I don't outwardly cry. Any fantasies about what we are doing out there have been shattered. I'm so cold & tired.

Berlin is so different from what I remember...so different from Poland. There are no signs of what is really going on out there...it's so "normal".

Sincerely,
Laurasia

[Laurasia]

Karmic Dream (Not A True Recollection)

The set up to this dream was rather strange. I was reading a magazine when I came across an interview with a Norwegian frontman named Andy LaPlegua (Iron Coil, Combichrist, Panzer AG, Scandy, Scandinavian Cock). I had never heard of him or seen him before. However I was immediately drawn to & was familiar with a certain picture of him...of his eyes. I immediately thought of Hans & felt somewhat...haunted by this man's eyes - their expression, the soul behind them. Very strange & hard to explain. Later that night I went to sleep & dreamt the following.....)

I lived peacefully in a large, communual apartment building with a lot of Goths. We were like a big family. We looked different from other people, but none of us ever had any legal trouble or caused problems with others in the community.

Suddenly one evening there was a lot of commotion & yelling outside of our building. An extremely right-wing religious group was out there denouncing all of us as criminal perverts that raped & killed children - just because we were Goths! We tried to ignore them but soon the media & SWAT team showed up. They broke into the building & started arresting people without cause. Many of us tried to find hiding spots to use until they left - not wanting to be arrested & paraded around as "perverts", but they would flush us out with guns & dogs.

Once downstairs they lined us all up single-file, put labels on the backs of our heads that marked us as "perverted pedophiles" & paraded us through the angry mobs in the streets.

I was more than relieved, & exhausted, to find myself home & in bed when the alarm clock went off.

Sincerely,
Laurasia

[kapitanprien]

That's interesting that you've dreamt of Goths too. I've had some dreams where I am with Goth people and it is in an 'underground' sort of place to heal. In one of the dreams I was given coffee, pancakes with butter and syrup to eat. One of them asked me if I wanted to continue.

I was wearing my dress uniform in the dream (just like in my avatar) but my cap was taken off and set aside - as was the custom when in buildings.

I always felt comfortable with the Goths in the dreams - they were always helpful, courteous, compassionate, etc.

[Miss Bothmann]

Defintly creepy Laur. I also have had dreams about goths..probably because I am so dark and weird anyways..LOL

[Laurasia]

Disenchantment


Warning! Some content may be distrubing to some members!

(I received this recollection while listening to "A Beautiful Lie" by 30 Seconds To Mars.)

I went back into the recollection of my friends' funeral. Most of this recollection was feelings & thoughts. The best short description that I can give is an overwhelming loss of innocence coupled with a desperate need for blind ignorance.

The illusion of ever having the great German Empire that we were promised & have committed such atrocities for has been shattered...it will always be the way that it is now. We've done it all for nothing & must now continue to do it in order to save our loved ones from losing the beautiful dream of Deutschland.

Being here in Berlin one could almost fall under the sway....the beautiful surroundings, the patriotic decorations & fervor. But no, too much has happened. Nothing lets you forget, not even the high-octane swill that we consume by the gallon. Too many faces...too many children...too much blood...too much noise...too much death. One forgets how alive a place really can be, & at a funeral! There's more life at a funeral! But it's all a lie, a facade. But oh how wonderful it would be to once again be able to believe in such a wonderful lie! To feel my heart leap with such pride, to believe that we have a future which could be so beautiful & idyllic. Ignorance is bliss indeed. I couldn't steal such a gift from my Anna, couldn't tear her dreams to such shreds. Nor anyone else's. No one deserves to suffer with the knowledge that we hold. If we could only find something to remove that knowledge from ourselves & rekindle the life, the hope, the eagerness, the dream.

Sincerely,
Laurasia

[Storm]

Warning! Some content may be distrubing to some members!


OMG, Laurasia. You have reduced me to tears. I know how painful this must be for you to recall.

As you know I did not live to see the full horror pan out. I did not see our beautiful Fatherland reduced to blood and dust. I did not see my brothers and sisters paying for the errors of our ways.

Oh, but I do remember the beautiful illusion. The dream. In the early days when I sometimes travelled around with the Fuhrer to rallies and meetings I was so full of excitement and conviction. He was what Germany was waiting for. And I believed utterly in him and in the Reich and in our glorious golden future.

Recently so much has come to me. As I died I realised that all was lost, even then. This is why I begged Lina to go back home. I knew somehow it would all end in tears.

I am so sorry about your friend. I am so sorry about the loss of so many of our kinsmen and women. But sorry can never express it enough.

I did not know when, in this life, I used to sit and listen to Carmina Burana and feel surges of hope and pride that it was practically a Nazi opera. I did not realise that those feelings being invoked were my own memories, imprinted forever upon my soul. Before the madness it was good. We were Germans and we were beautiful and life held so much promise!

The dream of a better world is what motivates us. It drove us to carry on insanely working for the future we perceived. For that golden era. Yes, we were drunk upon it.

Thank you for sharing these painful memories. I know how tough it is for you. It really triggers stuff off for me too.

God bless you my dear, dear friend. x

[Laurasia]

Leaving Hans' Body

I was meditating on Hans' death in an attempt to follow the souls' consciousness into the "between-lifetime-space".

It was very difficult to keep Hans' pain seperate from myself & view things, more or less, as a spectator - I managed though. To my surprise the energy of another former lifetime of mine helped me with this in the beginning.

I stayed with Hans' thoughts as he strangled to death, trying to think only of Anna while dying. (During this the image of a small white flower with a yellow center entered his thoughts for some reason.)

To my surprise the darkness that overtook him did not start out black, but blinding white. This was probably due to the fact that his air supply had been cut off & he, essentially, fainted.

I consciously tried to stay with the blackness after his thoughts finally ceased.

Eventually I felt a strange sensation of looking upward even though everything was still all blackness. Suddenly I felt myself moving forward & up & I, in the form of energy, came out of the top of Hans' head. (This "energy form" was bright white & that of a small person.) I stood in the room & just blankly looked at Hans' body hanging there by his belt. I noted that the large, rectangular metal buckle had dug into the right side of his chin & neck. It had, in fact, caused his head to stretch back as he limply hung. His head had "looked upward"!

After studying his lifeless body for a short time I decided that I should go & made to walk out of the room. This mundane, too-close-to-the-corporal-world decision caused me to come out of meditation from fear that I had fallen asleep & was dreaming. The idea that I may have spent some time as a disembodied spirit after Hans' death had not crossed my mind. I, of all people, shouldn't have had trouble with such a thought.

After breaking meditation I knew that I should have gone out that door. As Miss Bothmann said, maybe that would have represented a portal for me & not just a simple door. Then again, maybe I wanted to try & find Anna for myself now that no one could stop me & I had wandered for a bit. I don't know....I should have stayed with it.

Sincerely,
Laurasia

[Miss Bothmann]

That is so sad for me to read, although I must admit fascinating. The out-of-body topics always intrigue me.

[gumby]

I have been reading this thread and I find it very insightful and at times painful to comprehend. I spent the war in Stuttgart so I was not aware of what was happening in concentration camps - or perhaps we did not want to know. I must say that I was as afraid of the SS troops as I was of the allied troops invading our land. It was a very bleak time in our history, so much turmoil, personal struggle, distrust. Well of course the Nazi's gave us so much hope and promise of a better life, pride in our Fatherland, almost akin the the American notion of manifest destiny. But the bloodshed was so costly, especially for Deutschland. Most of our young men killed, either at battle or in concentration camps administered by the allies. It sickens me. Yes.

[Laurasia]

Home Lying On Couch

I am lying on a brown couch, which has on off-white blanket strewn over its' back, in a dimmed living room. I am wearing what I can only describe as "swing/dancing clothes", though I have removed the jacket & fedora-like hat. I have an ice bag on my head due to having somehow hit my head earlier in the evening. The radio is playing softly.

I am drinking scotch & waiting for Anna to bring black coffee. She brings in two mugs on a silver tray. She has her blonde hair in a mixture of pin curls & rag rollers. She is wearing a powder blue housecoat.

She comes over to take the ice bag off of my head, saying "Let me check your head, honey". She examines my head & kisses my forehead.

Sincerely,
Laurasia

[Miss Bothmann]

LOL! I am just thinking of the possibilities as to exactly why your head was hurting. Dancing swing clothes, eh? Perhaps you had a little drunken accident with a car door..heehee

[msmir]

Ouch, that sounded like a painful accident!

[Laurasia]

Hans' Apartment A Chelmno

Warning! Some parts may be disturbing to some members!

Miss Bothmann wrote down this recollection as I relayed it to her, causing it to turn into a "proper" guided meditation. The recollection was so complete that oftentimes she would converse with Hans in order to get him to go to another area of the apartment to get a more thorough description...he even said things to her that I have no recollection of saying. Never having had a "proper" past life regression I don't know if that is typical during one or not.

(OFFICE/LIVING AREA)

It is evening. I know this because the room is so dimly lit away from my desk. I am sitting at my desk doing paperwork. I am filling in numbers on the right-hand side of a list that is bound for an office in Berlin it appears. The numbers are large. I believe these are lists of the type & number of prisoners who have been "processed". (This is all in German.)

On my desk is my pull-string lamp (to the right), a glass of scotch to the left, a cup holding pens directly in the front center of my desk, my large glass ashtray is on the far right-hand side of the desk, & there is a black telephone on the left-hand corner of the desk. Centered in front of me on the desk is a tan-colored blotter for me to do my paperwork on. My desk is made of dark wood. My flooring is also hardwood. My uniform jacket is hanging over the back of my chair. I am wearing my button-down undershirt, but the top 3 or 4 buttons are undone.

The door to enter my apartment is directly behind my desk. Standing next to the door is a coat rack on which my hat is hanging.

Directly in front of my desk is an upholstered chair (for visitors). It has some sort of sandy-colored upholstery with dark brown woodwork. The legs are wooden & curved. The entire back of the chair is upholstered, except for wood on the sides. The arms are wooden & have a rounded knob at the end, though the center section of the arms is also upholstered. There are 4 or so buttons in the upholstering of the chair back. (Queen Anne? Chippendale? Hepplewhite?)

Beyond this, on the left wall, stands a dark wooden floor radio with a dial that lights up. It is on. Next to the radio stands a small, dark wooden spindle table (again, Queen Anne, Chippendale, or Hepplewhite in style perhaps). On this table is a small framed picture of Anna. She is wearing the same outfit that she was wearing in my party recollection. Her hair is down & curly & she is wearing red lipstick. She is smiling broadly & posing for the shot. (I suspect that this was taken at the party as the only difference is the lipstick, which she seems to be jokingly showing off for the shot.) Hans is awestruck by her beauty & comments on it a few times.

On the other side of this table (on the same wall) is a free-standing bar. The outercase is a dark leather-like material. (It may be leather, I'm not sure.) When you pull the sides open the bottles are inside of it.

On the adjacent wall (the one opposite to the entrance) is a large window. To the right of the window hangs a large framed picture of the Fuhrer.

On the wall adjacent to this (opposite of the radio) is a fireplace that is smoldering. (I can smell it.) In front of this sits a small sofa or loveseat that matches the upholstered chair. Between the sofa & the fireplace is a dark wooden, oval-shaped table the length of the sofa. The edges of it are lipped.

There is some sort of light fixture in the center of the ceiling, but it is shut off. There are some lights outside, but I believe they are the camp lights.

(BEDROOM)

To the left of my desk is a doorway into my bedroom. Right next to the door is a small bedside table. There is a small lamp on it with a circular lampshade. My bed is beside the table & is set against the wall. I have a brown throw over the bedding. (Hans suddenly becomes very angry at realizing that his bed is still unmade at this time of evening. He hadn't noticed at first. He yells "Why isn't my bed f*ck*ng made?! I haven't been in here all day!" Miss Bothmann then asks him about the rest of the room to divert his attention.)

There is a small rectangular, cream-colored rug on the hardwood floor in front of the bed. At the end of the bed the front part my dress shoes are sticking out. There are two feather pillows on the bed. Hans remarks about the "fluffiness" & how his face "disappears into them". White sheets. Thick, heavy, off-white comforter (possibly a duvet cover).

On the far wall is a window identical to the other window (same wall as the window in the previous room), but only half of its' size. On the right-hand wall (the one that the bedroom door is on) is a dark wooden dresser. It has ball feet, is taller than it is wide, is flat-topped, has 3 long drawers & small metal hanging drawer pulls. There is nothing on top of the dresser. There is an oval mirror above the dresser on the wall, but it is seperate from it.

Further down this wall is a tall, slender, dark wooden "washing-up cabinet" complete with a white water pitcher & matching basin sitting on top. The pitcher & basin are ornate, though only white in color. There are doors to open on the bottom which hold the hand towels & such. On the wall to the right is a small soap dish & a bar of soap. To the left is a corner shelf holding a small round mirror on a stand (for shaving?).

On the floor behind me is a large braided rug of varying shades of browns, tans, etc. On the same wall as the bed, but down by the window, there are two sets of very large, very dark grey, metal filing cabinets. (Appears to be two of them, double-drawered & standing next to each other.) They stand almost as high as my shoulders. There are hanging files inside. There is nothing on top of the cabinets. Both cabinets lock seperately. Hans says "Two locks, two keys." The keys are in my right pocket on a keychain with many other keys.

There is a footlocker at the end of the bed made of the same material as the filing cabinets. It is also locked. Hans made a point to mention that his bible was in the top dresser drawer, on the right-hand side, closest to the bed.

(BATHROOM)

Back past the desk in the office/living area, opposite of the bedroom, is a very small bathroom. There is a white pedestal sink just inside of the door with a little soap dish & bar of soap on the wall next to it. There is a small mirror on the wall above the sink. The toilet is right in front of the door.

At the end of the regression Hans begins to angrily rant about the unmade bed again saying "I shouldn't have to go to bed in a messy bed!", "I'll have his ass!", "I should kill him!", etc. He says that he is mad at "Spinnefix".

(It turns out that "Spinnefix" was Hans' nickname for one the Jews in the Hauskommando who went on to survive the war even though Hans thought that he had fatally shot him when they liquidated the camp in 1945.)

Sincerely,
Laurasia

[Laurasia]

Hans As A Child

I remembered Hans at the age of 6 or 7. He had short blonde hair & blue eyes. He was wearing brownish-green shorts, a white shirt & suspenders. I was outside of our house harvesting cabbages from the garden with mama's shears. Our house was one & a half stories (the top part was more or less a loft where I slept). It was white with dark wooden beams on the sides of the walls & flower boxes on the lower windows. There was a smokestack on the right side of the roof.

Our house was surrounded on two sides by huge gardens...vegetables, fruits & some flowers. I hear "Hans, kommen sie hier" & look up to see mama wearing a long brown dress with tiny white flowers, a white apron over her skirt & a white cotton cap over her hair. Her curled, caramel-colored bangs were the only part sticking out.

I was hoping to see papa too, but he wasn't home. I asked mama to show me a picture of him, but the recollection wouldn't cooperate. The name "Franz" suddenly came to mind though, so perhaps that was my father's name....Franz Bothmann.

Sincerely,
Laurasia