Memories of Hans Bothmann, Commandant of Chelmno

[Laurasia]

Some content in this thread may be disturbing to others!

I have folders for each lifetime that I have recalled & Hans' is the largest by far. Given the nature of Hans' lifetime, some of the things posted in this thread may be disturbing for some to read - especially if a person has a past life from "the other side of the war". (Please note that I do not now share any prejudices that are reflected within these recollections.) I have found though that sharing such memories, even when they are difficult to speak about, can be very beneficial for souls from either side of the war. I certainly hope that is the case here.

I would like to start with experiences that I had throughout childhood before I became aware of my lifetime as Hans...

When I was younger I had many unrecognized hints towards a past life as a Nazi. To begin with, when a child, I wanted to join the military more than anything. I was very ambitious in this regard though. I didn't merely want to join the Air Force like my father or the Army - I wanted to be a high-ranking Marine, as I felt that they were the elite & had the strictest training. I would actually watch portrayals of hard drill sergeants & be filled with a yearning to impress such a superior with my dedication & persistence. I retained a penchant for the military for many years even without any encouragement from my veteran father. I was always eager to hear about &/or see my fathers' memories/memorabilia from his service time in the Vietnam War - even though he didn't care to speak of it often. However I wasn't really interested in the Vietnam War or its politics, just what military life & combat were like.

I have always loved anything German or from the area & have always wanted to visit the country. I absolutely adore the language & have been attempting to teach it to myself for years. (Much to my dismay, becoming fluent in it still eludes me.) I am absolutely thrilled whenever I meet or am able to see/converse with people from the area & actually feel sadness & disappointment about not being German myself. As crazy as this sounds, Germans seem superior to me...harder, more centered & disciplined with obvious goals.

I have always been drawn to art & artists (mostly musical & cinematic) that have a more miltary-like essence to them. Especially when that essence resembles the Third Reich.

As a teenager I often would go to collectible shows & spend a great deal of time at one particular vendor that exclusively sold WWII memorablia - especially Nazi items. I would hover over the medals. He also had an authentic Nazi swastika armband that I toyed with the notion of buying everytime that I went there. I had a very strong urge to wear it, but knew that my parents would have been outraged. I did purchase some Nazi periodicals from the war & a swastika necklace though. As badly as I wanted to, I could never afford any of the Nazi medals or uniform components. One of my prized possessions is a $5 Reichmark that I bought from him though. Not being able to afford a German flag (or find one ) I drew one up on my own & put it up. I hung the swastika necklace over it. I started to study a bit about the Nazis & bought a copy of "Mein Kampf". While never an "activist" of any sort, I tried to submerge myself with the Nazi ideology. Especially as I aged though, the ideology clashed with my own beliefs. I still held a strong drawing towards the Third Reich - as well as a deep apathy....even though when other cultures nowadays display Nazi-like ideals or actions it disgusts & angers me.

Sincerely,
Laurasia

[Laurasia]

Oh I know what you mean Inhaltslos! I went to a flea market last year & one of the vendors had a genuine Nazi swastika armband that he said "his father had ripped from one of their uniforms when liberating a camp" as he placed it in my hands to look at more. And it was a real steal for the low, low price of $200! Ha! I wanted it anyway though. There was no way that I was going to pay that much for it however. I just kept telling myself that it probably belonged to somebody that I couldn't stand & they would have haunted me if I took it home anyway. LOL!

Sincerely,
Laurasia

[Laurasia]

Warning! Some members may find content disturbing!

The Holocaust Museum

The most striking incident that I had however occured when, at 10 years of age, my 5th grade class tok a field trip to a Holocaust museum. I remember a very sharp sense of irritation, anger, & resentment slowly building as we went through the tour. As a result, I became very cocky, sarcastic & vocal. We came to a part of the tour that described a transoprt to & life within a concentration camp. There was a large wall mural that was a photo of Jewish prisoner that had jumped upon electrical barbed-wire fencing. I snickered. My teacher, thoroughly angered by my behavior throughout the day, asked what I found amusing by such a horrific image. I laughed & said "What a considerate Jew - he saved us a bullet." She went red with anger.

There was a rectangle painted on the floor in front of the mural that my teacher grabbed me by the arm & thrust me into the middle of. She then instructed the rest of the class to squeeze in around me. It was the tightest of fits & she had to keep telling people to stay inside of the lines no matter how uncomfortable. She told us that this was how the Jews were shipped to the camps - unable to move more than shifting, unable to sit, & having to relieve themselves where they stood with everyone else doing the same....sometimes for days. No food, no water. "Imagine the smell," she told us. I just rolled my eyes. She glared at me & asked if I was comfortable. "Not really," I said with sarcasm dripping from my voice. She told me once again to imagine what it would have been like. With a stony, flat voice I stated "It never would have happened to me". She scowled & barked out "Don't be so sure, Jews weren't the only ones that were persecuted & herded like cattle for the slaughter". I glared back hard & more harshly stated again that it never would have happened to me. "How do you know?" she asked. With a wicked smile I hissed "Because I would have been one of the herders". By now my classmates had fallen silent at my rantings.

The next area was a long hall lined with American newspaper accounts of Hitler's & the Nazi Parties actions throughout the war. I became very irate & vocal about the "propoganda" & lack of Nazi papers to show the other sides version of events.

The next stop was a mini-ampitheater that only fit about 10 students at a time. I was with the first group in. They started showing the treatment of Jews & other prisoners. I laughed making comments such as "He shouldn't have looked him in the face", "Shouldn't have complained", etc. Finally, at the end of her rope, my teacher roughly yanked me out & into the hallway. She ranted & lectured in a rage, telling me that the next part of the tour was to speak with a woman who had survived Auschwitz & that she wasn't going to let me in to subject the poor woman to a child full of Nazi hatred. I told her that I would hold my tongue since the woman had actually been there & lost all of her faily in Auschwitz. She only agreed when I said that I would stay in the back with her so that she could yank me out at a moments notice if need be.

I sat with my bestfriend while we waited for the rest of the class to finish watching the film. We were seated by an eternal flame that was there to honor the Jews that were killed during the war. I snorted in disgust & asked my friend "Do you see the Russians whining about it? they lost more than the Jews did." She turned & asked what was wrong with me today. I scowled & just said that I didn't know, it just bothered me.

We finally went in & listened to the woman's story. It was very emotional & she cried numerous times while telling it. I never cried, I just listened. Afterwards there was a one-on-one session with the woman & the students, but my teacher refused to let me stay for it. Instead she escorted me out to the bus & told the woman that I wasn't feeling well. Everyone was mad at me. My friend & teacher kept lecturing me, but I just tuned them out. My friend, who had spoken privately with the survivor, said that maybe I should have spoken with her because she was a very nice woman. I said, "I'm sure that she was. I had never said anything different about her". She asked how I could stay so cold & indifferent about it if I knew that. I just shrugged & said "She was a Jew in Nazi Germany. That's what happened to them."

Sincerely,
Laurasia

[Miss Bothmann]

Nice to see you writing about Hans, Laurasia. *hugs*

I, too, was drawn to German things when I was younger. My draw was mostly to the lifestyle of upper class Germany during the Nazi regime. Now I understand why..LOL

[lulz]

I can relate a lot to what you're saying. As a child, before I ever put the pieces together about my last life, I loved to play doctor. Instead of watching cartoons, I was really into shows involving medicine and surgery, like the discovery health channel. I used all my toys as patients, and carried a toy doctor kit with me. As I got older, I too felt very drawn to the holocaust and things to do with WWII, especially to do with the camps.
I too can remember a time this got me in trouble in school. I had drawn a swastika on my wrist, and when my teacher's eye caught it, she flipped and demanded that I went to the bathroom to wash it off. (unfortunately for her, I had done it in sharpie)

[Miss Bothmann]

LOL! That must have been absolutely hysterical when she realized that you couldn't wash it off. She probably thought you were just ignoring her.

[Laurasia]

I had a great interest in medicine when I was a small child as well, Lulz. The little doctor kit & an empty, needleless syringe that a nurse gave me since I was infatuated with being a doctor.

I have since learned that pull came from my lifetime before Hans as Charles, a Civil War Confederate surgeon.

Sincerely,
Laurasia

[Laurasia]

The smell of guilt?

I have always had a terrible aversion & sensitivity to the smell of gas & exhaust fumes. I would sometimes sit in the backseat so physically sick that I would beg my father to stop the car & check for a gas leak, because I could smell the exhaust & knew that it was getting into the car. He would get angry & tell me that there was no way that I could possibly smell the exhaust.

I am still very sensitive to the smell of exhuast fumes & become extremely nauseous as soon as they hit me (especially diesel gas) - though now they are prone to throw me into recollections as well as making me sick.

Sincerely,
Laurasia

[lulz]

Let's just say I stirred things up quite a bit.

[Laurasia]

Rally Dream

I remember being at a large rally where Hitler was speaking. I was older now - in my early 20s. We were dressed in uniform & stood in ranks. The uniform that I was wearing is the standard black with a red swastika armband.


The Fuhrer was a very forward speaker & a very enthused one as well. We shouted replies to certain parts & threw our arms up in salute.

Sincerely,
Laurasia

[Laurasia]

Warning! Content may be disturbing to some members!

Camp Training

I believe that this may have taken place at Dachau since I was in training.

It was late at night. Three or four other guards & myself were in a building playing a loud game of cards. We were laughing & jokingly accusing one another of cheating. I am drawn to one man in particular & seem to be very good friends with him. I never heard his name however, so I will describe him. He was shorter & thicker than me, but was in no way fat. His dark hair was buzzed short & he had darker eyes than myself - though he was clearly German. Bavarian perhaps. I, being from the very northern part of Germany, was much lighter than he was.

We heard a loud commotion just outside the door & found one of the female prisoners. She had been trying to sneak some water from a large barrel that was by the door & had accidently knocked it over into the dirt. Though it was dark outside I could still see to a degree, especially with the light from the doorway.

There was a large open space, like a field - though we were still inside of the camp - before us. (The Appleplatz perhaps.) Slightly in the distance (to the front & left of us) were rows & rows of light colored buildings - the prisoner's barracks.

When we saw what she had done we started yelling. My darker friend went into a rage, ran over to where she was kneeling & kicked her in the face causing her to land face first in the mud. We were all laughing & shouting at her. He then pulled her back up onto her knees by the back of the head, grabbed a fistful of mud with his black-gloved hand & shoved it into her face - smearing it all over her head. All the while telling her to "Inform all of your little friends that you have just turned all of their drinking water for tomorrow into mud." He then threw her to the ground towards the barracks. She ran back to them while we laughed & hollered.

True to his word, the following day the prisoners from that barracks received no water.

Since having this recollection I have discovered that many of the camps did indeed use large barrels to collect rainwater from the roofs of the buildings to give to the prisoners.

Sincerely,
Laurasia

[msmir]

Yes, I know the camps used barrels to collect rainwater, and just shutter to know how contaminated the water was And the Fuhrer certainly knew how to speak!! And rant too.

[mccoyxyz]

Given I happen to have been on the other side, this is a bit of a scary story.
I was in elementary German class in university, where I discovered I had considerably more talent than the rest of the class. But then, any prosperous Polish Jew in those days had good German.
They showed a film of the Nuremberg Rally, one of the old black and white originals. Now at that point, I could probably understand less than one word in four, not enough to even get the gist. So, it's not what Hitler said.
It's the fact he has some sort of hypnotic pull. I was about one nanosecond away from jumping up and joining in the Sieg Heils. Which would have been decidedly uncool as the Prof was a Schwitzerdeutsch, could have got me is serious trouble with the Admin and all that sort of stuff.
Fortunately I had just enough grip left not to. After, I was curious about that, no one else in the class seemed to have had a similar reaction. Oh well.

[Laurasia]

I couldn't help but smile at that McCoy. Hitler's pull was certainly something to be reckoned with. You probably were unable to get the gist of what he was saying due to the subject matter that he spoke of (larger words & such that an elementary student probably wouldn't understand anyway) & how quickly he would fly through his oratories.

Sincerely,
Laurasia

[Laurasia]

Club & Anna's Visit

I mentally placed myself within a restaurant. Once I was relaxed & settled into the meditation I walked outside & across the street. There was a restaurant/club within an older-looking stone building. I walked in & was led by a host down a hall lined with small, carved, dark wooden pillars. At the end it opened into the main area. Directly in front was a large circular dance floor. There were three or four couples dancing there. Surrounding the dance floor were many round tables, most occupied by groups of men in various Nazi uniforms of different ranks. Many of them were watching the dancers as they smoked.

I was unable to move this recollection along at all, so I tried focusing on relaxing with my fellow guards in one of the camps. I was taken back to the night of the card game from my previous recollection. Since I realized this I stopped & re-focused.

Suddenly it was daytime & we were on a large yard-like section of a camp. Clearly this was very much seperated from the prisoner's areas, but we could see a group of men working at a dig of sorts in the distance. There was a large canopy tent over rows of tables where many other officers & other people were drinking, eating, talking, etc. This was a party of some sort. All of us men were in uniform. Mine was the field-grey uniform of the Death's Head division.

Some of the other men & myself were playing croquette on the lawn. I had just taken my turn & had started scanning the tables under the canopy. At the fourth one back, on the right-hand side, I saw my Anna. She was SO beautiful & speaking with another woman who had long, dark hair. Anna was wearing a white summer dress, slightly off of the shoulders, with red trim & a small red pattern to it. I later realized it was tiny red flowers. She was also wearing a large white sun hat.

She sees me looking & smiles demurely, but she is still so sexy. Another of the officers, older than me, catches us looking at each other & leans in to comment to me about how beautiful she is. I agree. The man is older, perhaps in his 50s, though he is still in good shape. His uniform is brown & he is rather skinny. He asks me when I am finally going to marry her & I say as soon as I can get out of the hellhole. He laughs & says that fortunately the program is almost finished. That perhaps I will be re-assigned to another camp back west near Berlin again afterwards. I agree that is what I am hoping for.

I excuse myself & go over to Anna & the other woman. They giggle a bit as I approach. I ask Anna to come with me & offer her my hand. She lets me lead her to the grounds where I hold her to myself & dance to a slow song that is playing over the speakers. She is so much smaller than I am that her arms have to be arounf my waist. I keep my hands on her upper arms so I can gaze into her gorgeous blue eyes. I take her over-sized white hat off of her head & let her beautiful waves of blonde hair spring softly over her shoulders. I gently caress one of her soft cashmere locks in my hand before lowering my lips to her & kissing her softly but passionately. The guests will have to be leaving soon. I gather her small body against my own lifting her off of the ground & spinning her momentarily. She breaks our kiss to let out a happy & laugh & beaming smile.

I set her down & we return to the canopied area. they serve our lunch of chicken, salsbury steaks, & various other dishes to choose from. We all talk & laugh loudly while eating together. The recollection shifts to later on & I'm with Anna at the train station. She now has black suitcase with her, so she apparently has been in town for at least a few days. We're hugging & kissing before she boards the train to head back to Berlin. There is no audio with this part. I view it as though I were an observer instead of from my own point of view as earlier. The recollection ends with her boarding the train & waving through the window while blowing kisses goodbye.

Sincerely,
Laurasia