Memories of Hans Bothmann, Commandant of Chelmno

[msmir]

Wow when I just read that I got the cold chill down my spine. Whether a parent agrees with the child or not, parents cannot just disown a child like that. But then again, it's easy for me to say. Not sure how I would react if one of my kids had joined something.... that I did not approve of and that sent a message of hate. I still don't think I would do what she did but I certainly would not want to hear details about it. Either way, still a traumatizing recollection. Regardless of the reason, it's a devastating feeling when a parent who you look up to disowns you like that.

[Laurasia]

Indeed it was, Miriam. After this Hans never spoke to or saw his mother again - which was just the way that he wanted it. In his eyes, his mother was dead from this point on.

Sincerely,
Laurasia

[lulz]

I can relate to what you said earlier, Laurasia, about being in a different mindset during the recollection, them feeling different once you've "snapped out of it". At times I felt bad about what I was doing as Josef, however, there were other memories in which I felt the same kind of detachment you've described, and later, as myself, felt horrible knowing what I had done in that life.

[msmir]

Experiences in your current life will put you into a different mindset now, that is if you are open to learning from them. It gets to the point where you cannot compare yourself at all to who you were in a past life.

[Miss Bothmann]

Then again there are some times when Hans' own mental state wasn't even one of cold detatchment...those are the ones that are REAL doosies to recall even for the first time

I know that those are the hardest for you, hon. To see and feel Hans in pain adds to your own agony once the regression is over. I hope that this doesn't come out the wrong way, but I am kind of glad when you get recollections that actually have him feeling something. I say this because he was actually in a worse mental state when he detatched...it is one of the worst forms of denial that there is. Also, it proves (even though Anna knew it) that Hans was not a killer by choice...he got no enjoyment out of it. Therefore, it shows that he had humanity...that he wasn't a cold-blooded monster.

Also, that is so heartbreaking about your mom. Even if she didn't agree with the Party, you were still her son, you know? You never gave her any reason (true reason) to spit on you and basically disown you as her flesh and blood. My opinion? Hans was better off severing that tie. (I think a part of Anna's animosity has a lot to do with that response. )

[Laurasia]

Lulz,

I'm glad to know that I'm not the only one that can so completely fall into the their past-selves mindset during a recollection.

Miriam,

It gets to the point where you cannot compare yourself at all to who you were in a past life.

I don't know if I could ever stop comparing myself to my various incarnations. I can see most of them in various aspects of myself quite a bit.

Miss Bothmann,

I know what you mean about Hans being less stable when he was so detatched. He was able to do horrible things when he was so cut-off from his feelings. I hate to say this but he spent much of his second stint running Chelmno in just such a detatched state, so he was definitely not a pleasant person to be around at that time. He was disillusioned with the Reich, had been lied to, again, about being able to go home to Anna, was unable to do anything about any of those things if he wanted to live, etc. So, yeah...he was not a happy camper & was rather bent on making sure that everyone knew & was just as miserable as he was, if not more....not to mention being quite mentally unstable by that time.

Sincerely,
Laurasia

[Miss Bothmann]

It is very tragic the trajectory that Hans had to take in his life. I mean, he thought he was done with the horrors of the camp...and then, BAM. "Here, go open this camp again. Forget going home." That is simply awful (for Anna too who no doubt thought Hans would be home for good).

[msmir]

Yeah I guess there is always an aspect of ourselves that we compare to in past lives, we keep evolving so there are other aspects that we cannot compare to either. I can imagine the horror you felt within, expecting to go home and to find out your job was far from finished

[privatetucker]

That sounds like an absolutely horrific memory, Laurasia, and I'm sorry you had to experience that all over again. *hug*

I am very grateful for you sharing it though because it's one of the prejudices I have held for a long time--that the Nazis who were at death camps or ran death camps didn't feel any guilt for what they did, and they chose to be there. Now reading your memories I can see that wasn't the case at all, not in a million years, so thank you for helping me see otherwise. ^^

[Laurasia]

Oh, Tucker. ~hugs~

No, indeed, Hans did not choose to be at Chelmno. Hans wanted nothing more than to be promoted so that he could be transferred to a desk job in Berlin (or somewhere else in Germany) & then be able to properly start his family & life with his fiance Anna. And he quite literally felt as though that would be the start of his life...he did not consider what was going on in Poland to be a part of his life. To him it was simply death.

It's a bit hard to explain really. Almost like he had to serve a stretch dead in Hell before he was allowed to actually live his life. That may not make a lot of sense for anyone who wasn't there though.

I am very happy to be able to assist you in better understanding what was happening in the death camps from the point of view of us Nazis. I hope that that understanding helps you to heal even more, at least to some small degree, from the trauma of what was done to you back then. It does my heart & soul good as well to be able to explain to former victims, such as yourself, that much of what all of you endured was not personal, regardless of how much it may have seemed so at the time. Yourself & your loved ones were made into ready targets for the anger, frustration, & desperation of many scared, hurt, & lonely men. ~hugs~

Sincerely,
Laurasia

[Laurasia]

Gas Vans

Warning! This post may be disturbing to some members!

I (as either group leader or Commandant) & a group of men led a group of women & children to one of the gas vans under the pretense of relocation.

They were loaded in & the door locked behind them. We could hear nervous mumbling from within due to the lack of windows, which some were trying to hush.

I had one of the men climb in & start the van. This caused those within to fall silent. Two of the other men then attached the hose to the cab whic administered the exhaust fumes into the vans interior. (I have no idea why the hose was not attached prior to starting the van as was the usual custom. Unless this was when we first started using the gas vans in the field & hadn't "worked out the kinks" yet.)

Within seconds the women & children were screaming frantically & hitting the insides of the walls.

I stood next to the truck watching what my men were doing. One stayed in the driver's seat, two were smoking cigarettes & chatting, & two more were crouched down playing dice. All the while, the women & children were screaming in the truck.

(I awoke to the sound of a large flock of turkeys fighting & screaming outside of my window. This sound was probably what triggered the recollection.)

Sincerely,
Laurasia

[msmir]

how disturbing Laurasia What a terrible recollection to have. I admit I did not know much about gas vans until you started talking about it. How do you feel when you see a van around which may somewhat resemble one of those horrific vans?

[Laurasia]

Hi Miriam.

I don't recall ever having seen a van that resembles the old gas vans actually. They had a rather distinct appearance...rather oppressive really. Seeing a picture of one of them sometiems makes me feel.....oh I'm not sure how to say it.....solemn, depressed, resigned? Oftentimes just seeing them doesn't really bother me though.

I am VERY sensitive to the smell of diesel exhaust fumes now though, which comes from working with those vans. As soon as I detect it I have to plug my nose or risk being sick. I also had a constant fear as a child that the exhaust fumes of the car were going to get into the cab with us passengers & kill us - which annoyed my father to no end.

Sincerely,
Laurasia

[msmir]

Laurasia, I bet the appearance of those vans are oppressive. And yeah I can certainly understand your repulsion to exhaust fumes. I am sure those who did die in those vans, and are reincarnated feel the same way... it was just horrific for everyone involved.

Mir

[sweetlunapie]

Laurasia, that post about the museum was absolutely amazing.
You know, I think your teacher handled it all wrong. It's so common to just react to kids who have an attitude that is combative with show that person more terrible things to try to reach them...do adults ever just sit kids down and ask them what is going on? I wonder if you would have benefited from a more open situation.