Memories of Hans Bothmann, Commandant of Chelmno

[msmir]

I am glad you had some positive recollections from that life, and that those ones are coming to you instead of all of the horrific ones!

[Miss Bothmann]

Hitler definitly had that hypnotic pull. Even in this life, when you watch him speak on the old tapes, you cannot help but watch.

[Laurasia]

Mental Hospital

In this recollection I was at a mental hospital that was run by a woman. The men that were training there, I believe, were called SS-D. They did not have any pipets on their lapels yet, so they may have still been cadets or privates.

The recollection flashed to a scene where the mental patients were doing exercises of some sort around a swimming pool in front of all of us. One of the male patients was extremely nervous & agitated because the head woman was not there yet.

I believe that this recollection is most likely from Hans' time spent working in the T-4 program while he was stationed in Austria.

Sincerely,
Laurasia

[msmir]

Interesting recollection Laurasia. I wonder why the memory resurfaced, and did they do a lot of training at mental hospitals? Miss Bothmann, Hitler did have that unusual charisma. I admit I am compelled to watch old videos on youtube.

[Laurasia]

Warning! Content of this post may be disturbing to some!

I don't know that they did any actual "training" at mental hospitals. The T-4 program (which was the Reich's euthanasia program) was applied extensively throughout mental hospitals, since the mentally ill were routinely killed under the program.

In a very real sense however (though most of us working in the program didn't realize it), it was a "training ground" of sorts for the Einsatzgruppe units. I suppose that the higher-ups thought that if they could get us used to killing the "infirm" we would find it easier to kill people once we went into Poland. Unfortunately (for most of us) it didn't work out that way. There was a big difference between euthanizing someone that was "better off dead" (Hans' thinking there, not my own) & shooting "normal", unarmed, compliant people.

Sincerely,
Laurasia

[Laurasia]

Anschluss & Liquidation of Camp

Warning! Content may be disturbing to some members!

This recollection came about spontaneously during a walk that I was on. I had been listening to Rammstein on my personal CD player when it happened. It was extremely disorienting & disturbing to work through.

The recollection started with myself & other Nazis marching into Austria. I assume this to be the Anschluss due to the celebratory atmosphere. There are girls & woman everywhere crowding the curbs. They are trying to get to all of us & see us better. They are just so happy for us to be there & for the work that we are doing for them & the Reich.

Suddenly the scene switched to one that was very disturbing. We had to run! The Russians were coming & we had to liquidate the camp & flee or they would kill us. I was Kommandant, but there was someone else of higher rank there as well. I looked around at all of the prisoners that we would have to immediately kill & thought about how long it would take. I wanted to run! Jews be damned, I wanted to see Anna before I died! I argued with the superior that we should just leave to increase our chances & he said no. He started arguing how the world hated us now because of what we had done - that we needed to get rid of as much evidence as possible. My thoughts filled of Anna & how she probably hated me after hearing of what we had been doing. I had to get to her - to make her understand. My stomach turned at the thought of the disgust she would feel when she saw me.

Suddenly the superior was screaming for us to start killing the prisoners. I told him that I couldn't because Anna hated me enough already. He screamed at me that I shouldn't think about what Anna thinks because if the Reds caught me I'd never see her again, which was likely going to happen anyway. I broke into tears. I wanted to stop. Eventually I shut everything inside down & allowed my training to take over, though those were the hardest killings for me.

Sincerely,
Laurasia

[msmir]

I am so sorry, what a horrific position everyone was in back then What a way to ruin a nice leisurely walk huh?

[Miss Bothmann]

Laurasia, my heart breaks whenever you recount that recollection. Because, I know in my heart that Anna did not hate Hans and could never hate him regardless of what he had done. I am very happy that Anna knew nothing of Hans's torment at the end of the war...it would have been that much harder to bear.

[Laurasia]

Miriam,

Yes it made that walk very difficult to say the least! Thankfully we live on a very rural road or else I may well could have ended up hit by a car as this recollection so completely overtook my senses when it came up.

Miss Bothmann,

The part of me that was Hans is glad to hear you say that...& a bit dismayed strangely enough.

Sincerely,
Laurasia

[msmir]

I can only imagine how it would have taken you by an unpleasant surprise. I am glad you can talk about it now!

[Laurasia]

Camp Recollection

Warning! Very graphic, some members may find content disturbing!

(This recollection came about via a guided regression.)

I started by using the "movie theater technique" to get myself into the actual recollection. The film that I was going to see was "Hans Bothmann" & it was the only thing playing at the theater. Hans himself sold me the ticket with a welcoming smile.

I sat in the center of the theater since I was the only person there. I settled into my seat & then the lights lowered. The reel started & Hans' name filled the screen.

The "film" started with a shot of polished black boots walking on a gravel pathway. Eventually there are some bodies strewn across the pathway which the walker (Hans, me) had to step over & veer through.

(My perception of things now changes to one of actually being Hans again.) I look up & see that I'm on a straight path through the camp with forest ahead of me in the distance. There is a line of barbed wire fencing running adjacently to the right of the path. A little ways ahead the path branches to the left, which is where I am heading. (The path also continues straight on towards the woods as well.) I spot a crew of Jews hauling bodies away from a small building in wheelbarrows on the left-hand path that I will be taking. I yell over demanding to know why in the hell these were just left lying in the road. They immediately dump the bodies from the wheelbarrows & start running over to gather the dead from where I am. I yell for them to leave the wheelbarrows - that they can now carry them over there with their hands. They hesitate for about a half of a second & then do as they're told.

As one of the men runs closer he spots a body slightly ahead & to the right of myself. He runs faster, falls to his knees & pulls the body up to his chest wailing "My son!" As I come up even with him I tell him to get back to work & remove the corpse. He continues to wail & I tell him not to worry - that he'll be joining him soon enough. I walk a few more paces & turn to see that he is still sitting there clutching the corpse. I draw my pistol & shoot him in the head. His body slumps over his sons, still clutching it. The other workers immediately gather the two & carry them off. Satisfied I continue on my way down the path.

I was in a rush because someone of importance was visiting the camp that day & I was going to see them.

Sincerely,
Laurasia

[msmir]

Gosh I am sure that happened all of the time, parents seeing their childrens' corpses and vise versa. Honestly I think the man probably thanked you in the end for shooting him. What a horrible memory to have come up like 90% of the others

[Miss Bothmann]

*shudders*

That has to be one of the most horrible ones that you have recalled. I feel so bad for the father...that must have been just heartbreaking.

[Laurasia]

Miriam,

Perhaps that is why he refused to obey my order to get back to work....he knew what the outcome would be & was waiting for it. I have no idea. I certainly hope that his soul has found peace & come to terms with what occured in that lifetime.

And you're right about the vast majority of my recollections being unpleasant. But you know what....I think there is a huge reason for that. I had many chances to go right back into the mind frame that Hans had in his lifetime during this incarnation (hell in some cases I was deliberately trying to put myself back into his mind frame because it was so similar to my subconscious). Thankfully that never happened, but now...because of these memories...it definitely never will. I can see it all too clearly now.

Miss Bothmann,

It is one of the more rattling that I've recalled. Though many times, when I am first recalling Hans' memories, I am able to re-experience it with much of the same detatchment that Hans originally experienced it with. It is afterwards, when my current intellect mulls over the recollection, that I usually get the truly horrified feelings of what I have just recalled doing/experiencing. Then again there are some times when Hans' own mental state wasn't even one of cold detatchment...those are the ones that are REAL doosies to recall even for the first time.

Sincerely,
Laurasia

[Laurasia]

Going Home

I remember being 22 & having just graduated into the SS. (1933) I was immensely proud & wanted to go back home & show my mother before I was shipped off (for my training in the camp system).

I proudly showed up on her doorstep with my black SS cap, uniform, & red swastika armband - all perfectly polished & such. When she opened the door I smiled widely & opened my arms to embrace her. At first she simply stared in shock at this SS officer on her doorstep. Recognition quickly took over though & her face hardened. She started screaming at me angrily about being a "filthy Nazi" & other such things. Startled, & worried that someone may hear her anti-Nazi rhetoric, I tried to ease her into the house so that we could argue in private.

This enraged her even more. She shoved be back screaming that she would never let a "Nazi pig" into her home & that I was no longer her son. Still wanting to try once more, & still concerned about her being heard, I tried again - begging her to let me in so we could speak before I was deployed. She cried out angrily, slapped me across the face & then spit on my uniform telling me that I was dead to her. That I was no longer her son. That the filthy Nazis had destroyed her son & made him a monster that would never be welcome.

I stiffened. My blood boiled for a moment, but then turned ice cold as she cursed & denounced myself & the Party. I said nothing, I simply watched her.

Finally she shoved me one last time saying to never come back again. I straightened my jacket & cap then told her flatly to never show up in one of my camps. I then gave the Nazi salute & turned to leave without looking back. The only thing that I heard after that was the door being slammed.

Sincerely,
Laurasia