Memories of Hans Bothmann, Commandant of Chelmno

[kapitanprien]

I have a question for you Laurasia (and others can answer if they'd like) - do your memories tend to come in 'clusters'? It seems like I go through periods where I will have my memories come like that, either in the form of dreams or visions which take me completely out of where I'm at consciously.

I was just wondering if it was the same for any of you folks.

[Laurasia]

Hi Prien.

Sorry it has taken so long to get back with you - it's hunting season here so work has been crazy busy. LOL!

Actually yes, I'm quite the same way. Though I can access my memories of Hans & connect with Hans via my pendulum any time that I want to, new memories from his lifetime tend to come in spurts at random times. I can go for quite a while with no new memories & then suddenly I'll start getting them out of the blue only to have them stop just as suddenly.

Sincerely,
Laurasia

[Laurasia]

Debating calling Anna

Warning! May be disturbing to some members!

(This "recollection" was more or less a running commentary through Hans' mind.)

It's hot & I'm tired. Today was pretty bad. We had to seperate a lot of men & women today. How the women scream, yell, cry, & carry on...pulling on their kerchiefs.

Lots of paperwork. I miss you greatly. Perhaps I should call? Ah, it's too late for that. I'll have a cigarette. Tomorrow three more trains arrive & we get to do it all again. Schmidt said something about some more food coming in as well. Maybe some steaks or chocolates. That would be nice. I want to dance with you. I need to polish my boots...they're all muddy. Maybe I can get into town soon. There is a small gold chain at the jeweler's you may like. Berlin is so noisy this time of year. Maybe down south I'll pick something up.

Damn yelling! Even now! They're supposed to be sleeping. After polishing my boots I think I'll have a slice of buttered bread & then go to bed. But first, a cigarette & a drink.

(Either summer or fall. Probably in Chelmno as a certain Erwin Schmidt ran the dining hall there. "Down south" probably refers to Lodz. Hans likes to hear music while sleeping & dislikes going to sleep on an empty stomach - two traits that I still share with him.)

Sincerely,
Laurasia

[kapitanprien]

Hello,

Oh no problem

Thanks - I was just wondering about that. I wonder if that is a common thing - the memories coming in clusters (suddenly coming and stopping).

[msmir]

It's cool that you can remember even what he was thinking so precisely.

[Laurasia]

Oh that's usually what I get with Hans...his thought processes.

Sincerely,
Laurasia

[msmir]

I wonder if he was Virgo rising rather than Libra?? Hmm.

[privatetucker]

I agree with Mir on the thought processes--I find that so impressive, and especially this sort of running commentary with all the random thoughts that stream in, every day sort of things. That's what I think really helps (me at least) understand those on the other side of the war, little things that remind me that y'all were very much human despite everything that went on, if that makes sense.

[Laurasia]

I wonder if he was Virgo rising rather than Libra??

It's funny that you mention this because I have been reading a book all about Scorpios (since Hans was a quintessential Scorpio & I have Scorpio as my Ascendent) called "Scorpio" by Patty Greenall & Cat Javor.. And, while I have nowhere near the understanding of astrology that you do Miriam (you're a professional astrologer afterall ), after reading a bit about Scorpios & how they differ based on their individual Ascendent signs I was thinking that maybe Hans had a Capricorn Ascendent. I have to read more about the differences between them though. One thing that shocks me is that Reinhard Heydrich was a Pisces & not a Scorpio! From what I have been reading he seems to have had a more Scorpionic personality than even Hans had! LOL!

Tucker,

Yes that is usually what I get the most clearly from Hans...what he is thinking &/or feeling. I am glad that my relating these thoughts helps you to understand at least Hans a bit better. I do have other recollections that are also comprised of his thoughts & some are rather dark too, but they do explore is true inner world.

Sincerely,
Laurasia

[kapitanprien]

I don't follow astrology but I'm a Capricorn though - for anyone wondering.

[Laurasia]

Some of My Own Thoughts Regarding Hans/Children's Shooting Recollection

Warning! This post may be disturbing to some members!

(These are just some thoughts I was having at one point regarding Hans' life & my remembering of it.)

I've been having a lot of thoughts about Hans lately. A lot of thinking about his life. It's also been brought to my attention that I still refer to Chelmno as "my camp" & Adolf Hitler as "the Fuhrer".

It just seems proper to me. The camp was mine & referring to the Fuhrer in such a familiar way often seems...wrong. I was also watching the Lifetime movie "For The Love of A Child" & was thrown into a very draining & emotional recollection of lining up children & shooting them with the Einsatzgruppe untis.

He just seems right below the surface lately. It's as though, by examining his life through my eyes, that he is realizing his errors. Though he defends them as well with thoughts such as "It was expected of me". CDs such as "The Downward Spiral" & "With Teeth" are helping him immensely to stay connected & share his thoughts.

While listening to "The Downward Spiral" I became very aware of Hans' anger & disgust at being assigned to the Einsatzgruppe units for a second time. He had thought that he would finally be with Anna, but instead had to go back to the fields - which was much worse than the camp. Simply loading people in a van & shutting the door was much better than shooting. You didn't have to watch, just ignore the noise - if you could.

I also now realize why I've always hated for others to tell me how I feel...Himmler did just that after re-assigning us - to my disgust. (That recollection was brought on by the song "I Do Not Want This".)

The strength of these feelings lead me to believe that my more crueler memories of Hans within the camp were from after his 2nd tour with the Einsatzgruppe units. I now realize why "The Downward Spiral" & "Further Down The Spiral" held such a connection for me as a teenager - though I didn't realize it then. Every single song on those albums immediately trigger memories of Hans' life.

There is a quote that I found while writing out these thoughts which I find very relevant...

"Everything in life depends on how that life accepts its' limits."

Sincerely,
Laurasia

[Laurasia]

Free Thought Session With Hans While Listening To NIN

Warning! Some content may be disturbing to some members!

(While listening to Nine Inch Nails, I let myself slip into Hans' mindset & just wrote down whatever came to mind.)

Himmler's Orders

stuck in Hell

have to kill the entire world

knowing that I can't do that in one lifetime

hatred

anger

numbness

can I beat quota?

where is Anna?

who am I?

Die!

not enough vans

I'm human with Anna, but she is so far & it's been too long

I'm going to die here

f*ck all of you!

Verboten

help me

how can I keep doing this?

I'm so tired

b*st*rd!

I'm dead already

Can you burn Hell?

You don't know!!

so many

only I can do this

home...Anna

I'll kill all of you

control

why do they just come? why no fights, just resignation? could I do that? let myself go? just cry? are they even real? or monsters? divine targets for vengeance or our own end?

I don't care

Just keep killing

nothing must slow the purging, not even our grief

no one else can do this

we must not stop

there has to be an end

we can't keep living like this

what have we done wrong?

Anna will understand, she must

this isn't me - is it?

it will be over soon - it has to be

can't take it

kill them all shoot kick hit trash shoot shoot shoot shoot shoot

processprocessprocessprocessprocess

what are we doing?

how did they get here?

why are they here?

nothing to slow us down!

we must in order to live

Life will come later, death is all there is

what's wrong with me?

Anna would like...

none of this is real

this isn't life - life is later

Not dead!

Why?!

Not dead!

I'm so sorry Anna

Sincerely,
Laurasia

[Iseke]

*hug*

I feel that is the most apt thing I can say in regards to all the incredibly hard emotion you are brave enough to relive and share.

[msmir]

Yeah that is horrible to have to recall.

[Laurasia]

~hugs the both of you~

Well thank you for the support. Having somewhere in which I can honestly share & explore these difficult & harsh emotions is invaluable to me.

Sincerely,
Laurasia