Pieces of Gerhardt

[gerhardt]

I don't know why after all these years of knowing about my past life as a camp guard that I feel up to talking about it now. Nevertheless, last night I found myself searching for others like me: people who remember the Holocaust, the Reich, and the camps. People who have died and then returned.

When I was twelve or thirteen, I began having strange dreams and irrational fears. At the time of the first dream, I had no understanding of that time period, and had not been educated about the Holocaust. The dream was very simple and very metaphorical. I was being led up a tall structure that to my adolescent dreamer's mind resembled an impossibly tall jungle gym. People in black and tan uniforms with red arm bands were there, and someone eventually pushed me off. I later interpreted this to signify my indoctrination into the Party at a very young age.

The irrational fears, some of which I harbor to this date, began manifesting shortly thereafter. I developed a fear of military airplanes. In that case, they also carried great sadness, a sense of impending loss. I developed gut wrenching fear of shower stalls, and the distant rumbling of trains began to send chills down my back.

I then began to have dreams of the camps, of being in them. My assumption was that I had been a victim in one of them, but I later learned that this was not the case.

One year, when my school took a trip to D.C., we visited the USHMM. I don't know what it is about that place, perhaps the energy of so many artifacts grouped together, but I have heard that others have had significant revelations after visiting it as well. When I got home late that night, I went to bed, only to be awoken time after time by the faces of the Holocaust's dead parading behind my eyes. I slowly began to realize that these were the people that I PERSONALLY had killed. With racing pulse, I ran to my mom's room and got in the bed with her. The faces continued to come, and I silently cried the whole night through.
I was mourning the dead, all right-but I was also mourning the death of my ideas about myself. I had been a murderer.

As the years went on, the dreams and waking/meditative visions became more detailed and more lucid. I had strange recollections that threw me for a loop: for instance, I recalled riding a horse into the camp one day. After I woke from that dream, I thought I'd truly lost my mind. For some reason, the idea of a horse in a concentration camp seemed ludicrous. Later, I found pictures of just that: officers and soldiers on horses in the camps.

I began to recall details of my daily life that did not directly involve the camps: going to dances, my cigarette case, drinking with my SS group. I remembered, with great distaste, that I was, at least in the beginning: proud. Not of the killing but proud of Germany. The air seemed electric, filled with great possibility and a sense of destiny.

I remember that I had a wife and a child (I'm a gay male now). I remember her elegant evening clothes, her white gloves and impractical shoes-the way she wore her hair. I loved her very much, as well as the child. In my memory, her name sounds like "Suzie, or Suzette, Suzi," something like that. I recall not seeing her often, and never letting her anywhere near the camp. I lived near or on the site, but she stayed in an apartment in a big city.
I was always worried for her, especially later in the war when the air raids began in earnest.

I don't know my rank, but I don't think I ever advanced very far. Otherwise, the latter part of my recollections would make no sense. It would not have been possible for a higher ranking man to leave the camps.

As I was clearing out a group, leading them to the gas, I saw a woman carrying an eyeball. I knew that was what was left of her son. I saw a man with a tooth in his ear; a memory of someone who was important to him. I feel that I killed those people in the gas, or either led them to their fate, but then: I just left. I threw up and left the camp on foot, and ran through a forest for days on end. I knew I was a man with a mark on his head, but I did not care any more. I was tired of killing so that I could live.

In the latter days of the war, I became active in the underground. I used my uniform to help the network hide Jews and help them escape. I remember the cold sweat and the secret signals that the men and women used to communicate with one another when we were on a mission.

I've shared this information, and much more, with my mother. I remembered her from that time. I don't know much about her role in the incarnation, but she also remembers (in her words) "shuffling people away from the camps and being very afraid."

I know that I survived the war, because I remember the absolute disarray. All of the displaced people, all of the walking ghosts and the hard look on everyone's faces.

I remember my death in a warehouse fire shortly thereafter.

I remember certain words, like "Ingelhoff" that I can't pin as a place or a surname. I remember so much, and not nearly enough.

I have met several actual survivors as well as the reincarnated victims/SS in person in this lifetime, and it is always beyond surreal. It is such a heavy energy. I feel that I am supposed to help those that I come in contact with from that time, but I don't know how, other than to show them love and acceptance.

I hope to post more recollections here soon, and to get to know some folks with whom to mutually evolve.

Best,
Gerhardt the Former

[eiszeit]

Allo, Gerhardt!

It definitely sounds like you've got something here! I read through your post and thought multiple times "Wow, exactly like what happened to me!" or "That's exactly how I felt!" It's fascinating how our experiences dealing with this sort of thing can be so different and yet so similar at the root of it all.

Your experience at the USHMM sounds gut-wrenching. What a way to find out who you were back then... It's already upsetting just being in an environment with that sort of energy, and to have it trigger something like that makes it worse. It's necessary to the healing process, to learn these things, but it doesn't make it any less painful the first time you do.

I definitely remember the pride aspect at the very beginning. I was very proud of my country at the time, and I know the feeling of electricity. Much of 1933 felt like that for me and I'm curious, is it the same sort of 'energy' for you?

When you're more comfortable here, I'd be interested in hearing which camp(s?) you worked at. If you worked at Auschwitz during 1942-1943, there's a chance you and I crossed paths. I wore a pink triangle back then, and was interned there during those years.

It's good you found these forums. It's reassuring to know you aren't alone out there in the world, and that there are others who have had similar experiences to yours. I don't think I've formally welcomed you here yet, so here's my official welcome! I hope you find what you're looking for here, and I wish you the best of luck in your endeavors.

Eiszeit

[gerhardt]

Eiszeit,

Thank you so much for your kind words and for your response. I have definitely felt a kinship with your words on the boards here. There is something similar, if not familiar, about the energy I feel when I read what you have written.

Regarding the energy of 1933: Absolutely. It was grand and full of pageantry and hope and the promise of a better future. For a short while, before everything went crazy, it felt wonderful to be there.

I don't remember which camp(s) I was at. Treblinka seems most likely. In my mind, I can retrace the steps I took there, so that must be it. It is entirely possible that I might have visited Auschwitz at some time, but I do not think that I worked there.

It was quite unnerving to learn of my previous self in that way, but I'm glad I have uncovered that. I have worked to forgive myself for what I could not forgive then. I'm also thankful for these forums. As you say, it is so nice to realize that we are not alone.

That being said, sometimes the destruction still gets to me-how could it not? So much was ruined then. I think of all of the symphonies written on bits of bark or scraps of toilet paper, all of the art left unmade, the poetry carved into the wood of the bunks. What crimes.

All my best,
Gerhardt

[Storm]

Hello and welcome. It is so good to hear you have worked on the forgiving of yourself. It is such a challenge for anyone who was SS and in particular those of us who had Einsatz or Camp related roles.

Very best wishes on your journey and welcome again.

[gerhardt]

Thank you, SS*3*. I cannot say that the work of forgiving is done, but I've made a lot of progress. How as your experience of that gone? What steps did you need to take, or what psychological blocks did you need to resolve?

Best,
Gerhardt

[Storm]

Oh gosh, I have real trouble forgiving myself. Guess it should be me asking you how you are dealing with it? I can pretty much forgive anyone else almost anything and even forgive the men who sexually abused and raped me as a child and teenager. I have no problem forgiving other, but myself is a very different matter. I think it is because I tend to impose impossibly hard and high standards to myself in terms of conduct, (and I always did in that life and in this). when if I actually gave myself a break and accepted I am only human too it would probably help, lol. One of the main problems is that I am daring to venture into memories now and I can see that on a deep level he felt that what he was doing was completely justified both legally and morally. I cannot deal with this at all. That a father or indeed a mother could ever think the murders of children, even those of other people they did not like, was a necessary step for the state to take makes me shudder. I was actually really concerned when Madeleine Albright's book came out recently in case she Nazi bashes whilst at the same time living quite happily with her own former policies and views on Iraqi sanctions in the past. she actually said the deaths of Iraqi children and babies was a "Price worth paying"! Talk about a hypocrite! So when I read her book if I find she is pontificating about the Nazi regime in Prague I will be writing her a very strong letter to remind her of her own failings in this life and asking how she goes to sleep at night? I know my probable PL did not sleep at night very well. I wonder if she does? She probably does not even feel like a murderer, and many who give orders or pass laws and policies which hurt people feel justified, just like we did. I am far far more able to forgive and understand those who actually carried out the orders, than those who dish them out and yet do not dare do it themselves. I also think it stinks that even in this day and age decision making STILL causes the unnecessary deaths of innocent people.

Yep, I have a long way to go with this forgiveness of the policy makers and superiors. But I take great comfort in the fact that having been in that position it does mean I could never in a million years do anything like that again. Whereas if a soul has not tasted the agony of such misdeeds there is really no way of them knowing whether or not in extenuating circumstances they could act likewise. On that level I feel I can honestly say I know I am not able to be party to such actions again. Not even by voting for those who sanctioned illegal wars.

This all caught up with me at a time when I was in a stupid place of self congratulation, after having made some reasonably good personal, professional and policy decisions in my life. I felt "Yes, I quite like me, life is great", and I guess I was almost anticipating something going wrong, lol! ;D I had actively been seeking the identity of my last life, sensing I had been not the nicest of people. Learning the identity of this person tore all that sense of achievement and self satisfaction away from me. It humbled me again and reminded me that no matter how good I am now I must keep on driving myself and pushing myself to be better, (on that level I am very like him). I asked Creation to help me balance certain things and happily some very significant opportunities have arisen. Creation is amazing and I am in awe of how it all works, regarding karma, which is not tit for tat, but about balance and restorative justice in many cases.

I think one of the main things I am doing to tackle this forgiveness of self is to keep going back to before the SS. Before everything went wrong that led him to the SS. I cannot read about him, I find it so hard. It's taken me nearly two years to get through only two books and yet I devour books! But I have been focusing on childhood and "remembering" who he was before stuff started to hurt. I think this is a useful exercise for all of us, to remember who we were before we got hurt, whether in this life or in previous ones. because then we can reclaim that being. We can do those things we loved and remind ourselves of who we were before the bad stuff. Inner child therapy. So that's where I am. I am also planning to start writing about it. Not for publication, well certainly not yet. Maybe it will get it out of me more and help?

I'm also doing a lot of travelling and healing work at sites connected to the Holocaust and Nazi regime. My main issue is that I actually have a terrible phobia of Germany and of Germans! Yes, it sounds hilarious, but it is true. I think it's the feeling of having so let Germany down and because Nazis are so despised by most in Germany that I really fear going. Also having been born on the winning side, (though no one really wins in war), it feels strangely like I should have absolutely nothing whatsoever to do with Germany, (which I know on a conscious level is daft). So, my challenge is to travel to Germany this year. Thankfully I asked Creation to send me a German friend I could actually talk to about this stuff and within a few weeks I met an amazing German lady who really understands, so that is a blessing. And I am very grateful for the help the Universe is giving me.

[gerhardt]

SS*3*,
Wow, you are really speaking to my soul here. In so many ways. I think that "never good enough," "not allowed to make mistakes," perfection thing is so ingrained in those of us who wore the black uniforms. It definitely carries over. I have had extended bouts of those feelings in my present life as well, regarding both present life issues and the loose ends of my before-time. That was one of the most psycho-spiritually damaging things that was beaten in to us, I think-that inability to accept failure. Failure, I think, can be a beautiful thing: learning that we are not the axis of the world, in any way, is beautifully humbling.

You certainly seem to be having a very difficult time with forgiving yourself. No, it should not be easy, and no, it should not be fast. We did awful things. BUT...I have so often asked myself, "why?" Why did I, personally, select that life (I believe we choose) and those circumstances? What did I hope to learn and to teach? I think that the majority of those of us relatively good spirits that chose to be in "evil" positions last time wanted to both learn about our weakness, and to fulfill contracts made on the Other Side. As sick as it sounds, it makes sense for me to think that we agreed with our victims on the actions we would take. They needed (or selected) to learn the lessons that our brutality would teach them. We agreed to take the heavy karma of being murderers to teach them. And to teach ourselves. A wise woman once told me that she thinks that perhaps even the highest ranking around Hitler might not have been truly evil-but rather very advanced souls willing to take on a very, very difficult life, the memories and ramifications of which would extend for thousands of years in both directions.

Of course it is easier to forgive others. If I might hazard a guess, I would say that for both you and me, we have not had so much faith in many other people. It makes it easier to forgive their abuses of us-and of course, holding a hateful grudge is so much more work, and so much more painful, than letting it go. In a perverse way, this was probably also true for the SS. It certainly felt like the fate of our world was on our shoulders at the time-when truly, the army would have had much more control over Germany's fate.

It's interesting that you say you are using a sort of inner child therapy on yourself, in that you are trying to remember your SS man's life before he became who he was to be. I've been working on that lately, too. Trying to look back over the life before everything went to hell for clues of humanity. It is very difficult for me: not that what I find is too awful to handle, but that I cannot guide my mind's eye back with any degree of detail. It is as though the "action times" of that life are too loud, too bright-I can't look away. I have remembered small things, but not enough. I think that I should employ that same method in healing wounds in this life, too. It could be very healing for me to recall who I had been before I allowed certain things to occur on a personal level. It might help me get back to that place of balance.

You mentioned that because you (we) let Germany down, you have a phobia of it now. I thought I was alone in that rather sick perception of things. I guess we were so indoctrinated, so brainwashed-it still feels like a let down, even though my sensible mind would not have wanted the Reich to have won the war. Could you imagine what a civilization that would be now? YES-it would be very advanced and probably quite incredible, but to have been born of such atrocity...it would undoubtedly be a cruel place, even today.

On parenting: I, too, was a father then. I don't know why, but I don't remember Gerhardt particularly equating the children he killed with his own. Maybe he did, but it is not something that I recall from his thoughts. Perhaps because in a way he did believe that our victims were "Untermannen"-sub human-he could not put his own blonde little girl in that mental position. I don't know, and that is a scary thought.

I wonder, if in this life I am ever allowed children-will they also be reincarnates from that time? It would certainly be a bit of Universal "humor" if they were. What if those souls were those of the ones I had gassed? Could they ever love me as a father?

The Universe is wonderful in that it generally produces what we ask for-in your case, a nice German to speak with about these matters. In my teenage years I asked for a teacher to help me recall my before times-and I got it. She was the reincarnate of one of the resistance workers I was involved with at the very end. She recognized me immediately for what I was and had been, but it took me years to remember her. I had to work through my own crazy lives before I could remember things as they actually were-not as I had hoped them to be.

Good luck in your travels to Germany and to the Holocaust sites you are visiting. I hope you find great healing there, and make some progress towards your personal forgiveness.

Gerhardt

[gerhardt]

Also, I am reading In The Garden of Beasts by Erik Larson right now. It's the first book regarding that time period that I have picked up in a very long time. It centers on the early days of the Reich, mostly 1933. I think you might like it. It's written through the eyes and experiences of the American ambassador and his family, and is completely nonfiction. It shows a very different side of our Reich, one that I personally needed very much to read.

Best,
Gerhardt

[Laurasia]

Hello Gerhardt.

Welcome to the forum & thank you for sharing your thoughts & memories with all of us. I have to say that I was very excited to read your post as you & I seem to be very similar in regards to what our lives were lives were like back then, how we have re-experienced them in our current lifetimes, & how we are working through them nowadays.

My first indication of having been Hans (commandant of the Chelmno death camp) came very abruptly & overpoweringly during a Holocaust museum visit when I was just 10 years old. In my case though it did not immediately make me consciously aware of having been a Nazi campman, that came many years later. Though I showed every sign of having been a Nazi in a former life while I was a teenager I was not yet ready to actually make the connection on a soul level until I was in my 20s. However when the recollections did finally start properly (which happened as a flood gate once it finally did break through) they were, more often than not, in the form of spontaneous recall - which made them all the more terrifying for me. I couldn't just dismiss them as nightmares since I would be fully awake when they happened, so it was quite plain that they were recollections.

I can certainly understand what you mean about your later life being "too loud" for you to see past it into that incarnations childhood. I have this problem with Hans as well. The earliest that I can really recall of his life is around the age of 10 years old, but that was also when his indoctrination into Nazism began. That was when the bad things which were out of his control started up for Hans, so there really isn't that much that I'm not remembering either. However, being able to remember him before his heart & mind were sullied in anyway would still be nice.

I look forward to hearing me from you on the boards. If you have any questions or concerns feel free to PM either myself or our Global Moderator, Msmir. Thank you once again for sharing so much.

Sincerely,
Laurasia

[eiszeit]

It's funny you mention that book; my father just got it for me as a birthday present! I haven't had a chance to read it yet, but I will very soon.

I have to agree with what you've said, about feeling a kinship. I feel the same way! In fact, when I saw your username under the "new users" tab, I literally paused and went "Wait. I recognize that name." I shrugged it off initially, because I thought I was mixing it up with someone else's that I'd read during research. But then I went on to read your posts. There is definitely something familiar with your energy. I don't know what it is yet, but there's something there.

[gerhardt]

Laurasia,
A few nights ago when I read through your diaries about remembering Hans, I must confess I was rattled. Your recollection style-both dreams and spontaneous recalls are very familiar to me. I've had many instances of that breathtaking surge of memory that seems to transport one from this time right back to the last.

Also, I confess, your entries from time to time caused my heart to race-not because of anything that you wrote, per se, but because of who you were. You were a much higher ranking man than I, and in the very end-I defected. So to read Hans' thoughts, even a lifetime after, definitely gave me pause.

I feel that in some ways, at least for me, the two lifetimes seem to be happening simultaneously. I think that my own indoctrination within the Hitler Youth occurred at approximately the age at which I began to remember that life. Now that more than a decade has passed since I began to remember, perhaps some of my peace is a result of the fact that by then, I was nearly done with that life anyway. Certainly the worst of it was over.

That being said, though, I feel my other incarnation just below the surface nearly all the time. It is very easy for me to go back and visit that life in dreams (I have always been an easy dream traveler) if I choose. More often than not, though, I place a white "X" upon the doorway to that time-my symbol not to go there-nights I spend back in the 40s are not very restful.

You said you displayed "every sign of having been a Nazi." Me too. The fact that it took me a few years to figure it out perhaps speaks of my own ability to confuse myself. In my teenage years I had a very superior attitude, picked up the German language terribly easily, and (this continues)-I could always recognize a Jew. I saw one the other day, and I knew by his fingertips alone that he was Jewish, and I am ashamed to say, my first reaction was revulsion. I don't feel that I need to state that I am not antisemitic in any fashion in this existence. It was just that time coming through.

To extend that theme: I have actually celebrated Hannukah for several years now with my best friend. I do this to remind myself of who I was, and what I nearly ruined. I do it to increase the amount of light in the Universe. It is a very beautiful holiday and something I very much look forward to, even considering my confusing past.

I have actually had the pleasure to exchange a few brief emails with Ms. Mir, and would very much enjoy speaking to you in private as well.

Best,
Gerhardt

[gerhardt]

Eiszeit,

Something about your last post gave me chills. I don't know what it is, but there definitely seems to be a connection of some sort between us. How strange and unlikely...I would be so curious to explore this further. The best I can summarize my response when I read your words is a feeling of "tenderness." Do not be alarmed-I am a happily partnered man and this is not a sexual or creepy thing. It is a feeling of "rightness."

The book is terribly interesting, especially regarding Martha's relationship with Rudolf Diels. Fascinating. Several times I have just stared at the pages with my mouth wide open, thinking, "surely not."

The setting of the book, being only in 1933, is definitely jarring my memory of some of the life before I went into work at the camps. I can recall what the author writes, about a "subtle darkness" descending on Berlin. It reminds me that we weren't all born crazy, and there were moments of exceptional beauty-so poignant-before all of the horror.

We have spoken before of phobias and fears related to our times before. Others that I have always harbored were of factories and of diesel engines. In this life, my father worked in a job that necessitated us visiting factories rather frequently, and he always had a fleet of Diesels around him. I guess the factories remind me too much of the camps-or the outposts, being actual factories for forced labor. The Diesel engines, it is now fairly obvious, is because at Treblinka, and indeed in the early camps altogether, we used the exhaust from such motors as our poison gas until the adoption of Mr. Haber's Zyklon.

All Good Wishes,
Gerhardt

[eiszeit]

That's exactly how it feels for me too, Gerhardt! A feeling of rightness, almost like if I saw an old friend on the street after years of being apart. "Oh! Hey! I remember you! How've you been?" I've had connections like this before in the past - I found my PL's little sister via the Internet and I just knew she was someone special to me in some way. I'd be curious to figure out exactly what our connection is, as well. For me, it doesn't feel like a camp guard/inmate sort of relationship. It's too familiar, too 'equalized', if that makes any sense?

The description of "subtle darkness" is definitely apt for 1933. I don't think PL self fully realized it was even there until 1934, when the Night of the Long Knives happened, but looking back on it... yes, there were signs. I was just too busy and wrapped up in my own little world to notice, I suppose...

Your fears of factories and diesel trains are interesting and definitely make sense. I'd be unnerved, at the very least, by diesel trains if I knew what you did back then! It's funny you should mention that those are two of your phobias... I've actually got a bit of a fascination with factories and trains in this life! Back when I was a kid, I was really into model trains. Ironically, my favorites were the older trains, including the diesel engines!

Where I live, factories are everywhere. Every time I see an abandoned factory, my immediate thought is "oh my God, I have to go inside and explore". I've got the same thing about all sorts of abandoned buildings, but the ones that seem to grab me by the throat the most are abandoned factories, hospitals, and asylums.

I will say this, though... Any building - functioning or abandoned, regardless of what its purpose is, was, or shall be - with a big brick smokestack does make me freeze in my tracks like a deer in headlights. There was one factory that was demolished a while back, and for the longest time all that remained was the smokestack, in the middle of this deserted lot of weeds and debris. I had to pass it several times during the months they kept this smokestack up, and every single time I saw it I flinched involuntarily. I don't know why they kept the smokestack up. All I know is that I was very, very relieved when they finally demolished it.

[gerhardt]

Eiszeit,

Wow, that's pretty incredible that we were able to recognize that there must be some sort of link between us so quickly. I definitely wasn't expecting this.

I agree that whatever we may have been to each other, it was not that of guard and inmate. Perhaps we knew each other before in some intellectual circle or maybe we were drinking buddies. Perhaps we had an affair. I remember a few same sex encounters from that time, although I was in fact married. Oh, good old "German Vice!" I was going to suggest that perhaps we knew each other in some resistance capacity, but that does not feel right at all.

You say that you didn't notice things getting bad. I don't think anyone did, really. I think those of us in uniform had a slightly better idea, but we were fed just as many lies as anyone else.

So you're an urban explorer! Too cool. It's strange that you don't have any of those aversions yourself. Perhaps you're a more resilient spirit than I am, and did not hold on to so many of the negative triggers. Good for you!

For the sake of accuracy, not that it really matters in this context-It is the Diesel truck engines (and some confiscated soviet tanks) used for that awful purpose...and that is what makes me dislike them today. The smell freaks me out, and that low growling sound.

I'm thankful that I live in the American South, where there are not so many factories. However-and not to paint myself as overly skittish, I am not-that same rural environment has its moments too. When I was very young, we lived in the country in an isolated location. For many months, I could hear large machinery in the woods across from our house, and occasionally could see smoke rising above the treeline. I was convinced that something horrible was happening there. Of course nothing was, or no more nefarious than deforestation and development. Its funny how those triggers work.

I hope you have a wonderful day, and we'll talk soon.

Gerhardt.

[Leutnantzursee]

Hi Gerhardt - welcome to SR :-)

A really interesting thread developing here, its great to see someone feeling so at home in our little community straight away - as it was for me. :-) In the short six months that I've been a member I've made some wonderful friends here, many of us feel personal connections and on a collective level, I do think we are parts of the same soul group that elected to live through WW2 and within that, there seems to be those of us connected to the Holocaust in varying ways. I'm really happy that you and Eisziet already feel a soul attachment, it seems there's a clue there in you being gay in this lifetime and Eiszeit having been a gay man in her last life - how wonderful that you have found each other! Many of us seem to be finding those people who resonate with us at this time, those really close soul mates that maybe until now we weren't ready to meet.

I really understand what you mean about the excitement of those early days in the Reich, I can recall attending a rally in Austria as a youth in my own PL, I was completely swept up with Nazi ideology and I know that we felt vindicated, we believed we were the good guys, we really believed in a new world, it was a thrilling time. I lost my PL sister in the end to the T4 program as she had minor disabilities and I believe after that it all went sour for me. I'd been indoctrinated in the Hitler youth like most of my generation and went on to serve in the Kreigsmarines during the war, I don't know if I died in action or in a POW camp - that's something I'm trying to discover at the moment. Some of your memories are very distressing to hear, witnessing such things as the mother with her son's eyeball, that really is the most harrowing image. The energy of the Holocaust has done so much damage to all our souls which ever side we were involved in, and as others have said, we all seem to suffer many of the same problems with anxiety and guilt in this life. There are many shades of grey it seems to me, there were some people held in camps who betrayed other prisoners, while some guards refused to co-operate and lost their lives for making a stand, so in many instances the lines between victim and perpetrator were blurred, which I think only confirms the deep soul connection we had as a group at that time and still do. I think most of us feel political in this life and are generally laid back and pro-democracy, though I think many of us yearn for radical change as we did then, except we want to see that fervour and energy used for good, in a society that's tolerant and inclusive, that puts ordinary people first, many of the issues that plagued Europe then - I'm thinking specifically of the financial crisis and the hatred towards racial minorities, are here again to haunt us, only this time i feel we are here to help stop another catastrophe where governments play God, for many of us it is a burning and painful need to work for the light because we elected to go into 'hell' in our last lives. Only when you know the mechanics of evil can you really care about it and understand how it works, its a bit like infiltrating the system by being a part of it, if that makes sense? I like your quote about the senior Nazis having been advanced souls choosing to take those lives for something that has yet to unfold (as I believe some of the most famous victims were - like Anne Frank) and yes I also believe we ALL elected to live through those horrors for some kind of greater good. It is such a harsh bone to be thrown, I completely understand, even though my PL wasn't in the SS (as far as I know) he really looked up to them and probably would have joined if he could. I was just as immersed in the energy and have carried a terrible burden of guilt as well, which has led to virtual life long depression and anxiety attacks.

I hope you find healing and help here Gerhardt, I know you will :-)
All the very best
Liz