Pieces of Gerhardt

[gerhardt]

Lizzie,
Thank you for your beautiful words! You are a very thoughtful individual,and I appreciate the effort you make in your communications.

It is quite wonderful, this feeling of being welcome, and this easiness I feel here. I'm also feeling blessed and curious about that feeling of connection to Eiszeit. I almost didn't say anything about it. I don't jump to conclusions, and I don't play dramatic. Sometimes you just know something is important, or at least lovely, and this seems to be that. I am always thankful for good souls in my path, no matter how they arrive, or who they may or may not have been.

You really couldn't help but be swept away. It was all so elegant and promising. You are so right about those same issues cropping up now in our own societies in the civilized world, and that is frightening. I DO believe, no-I KNOW we will, as a human species, handle ourselves better this time. This is of course not to discount the genocides that have come before and likely continue to date. The financial situation, freighted with fear as it is-certainly makes me wonder how we will continue to react. But I know we will at least "do better" than that last time. It isn't hard to do better.

That's so terrible about your sister and the T4 progrom. I am so sorry that you recall that, and that you feel responsibility for her in that regard. Don't take this the wrong way, especially not since it causes you such grief: but perhaps you did her a favor. Imagine what it would have been like to live through those times with the added burden of disability? To see through that lense. At least her passing back to the Otherworld was more peaceful than those in the camps, and likely yours as well. Maybe she was in your life to teach you of sacrifice and self betrayal, and these are lessons that you won't have to learn again. Just a thought.

Yes, plenty of my recollections are very frightening, and very graphic. I'm trying not to speak too much about those, because to do so probably wouldn't do anyone any good, except for to get a few things off my chest. I might do a post with a warning label for that very purpose later, but now does not seem like the time.

Your quotes about "infiltrating evil" and thereby understanding it and making certain to work against it in these times rings true. Also smacking of veracity is your comment about the lines "being blurred" between victim and criminal. So right, and so evolved of you to say. Thank you for that. We are none of us one thing all the time, I feel.

I believe that the vast majority of the victims were Light souls, brave souls, incredibly brave souls that chose that experience. Not just the famous ones, but most every one. There's an old Jewish legend that Elie Wiesel likes to recount-that God sheds two tears for each "Just" human that dies, and that they fall into the ocean to reverberate around the world. "What then, did He cry for the millions?"-to loosely paraphrase.

I feel on a soul level, as I have stated previously, that the same MIGHT be said for then perpetrators, but it is so much harder to believe, even knowing myself then and now. There is also an old Norse legend that might help explain this...about souls being dipped in a "well of forgetfulness" so that they would not recall certain things, in order for them to live their lives correctly.

I hope your depression and anxiety issues alleviate. Have you heard of "releasing negative cell memory?" It is a prayerful practice that I have employed, I think to great benefit. Perhaps it could help you as well.

I am also so fortunate that I was able to, from a formative age in this time, speak to my mom about my memories and compare them with hers. She has chosen not to delve quite as deeply as I have-she feels that she learned those lessons correctly the first time and that she does not need all of the trauma a second time. I agree with her, in her case. But that dialog that we continue to share is very, very healing for me. I wish everyone could have someone like her in their lives to speak with and to "make things OK through words and love," as is her manner of therapy.

All Blessings,
Gerhardt

[eiszeit]

I wasn't expecting this either; like I said, I've had similar connections before, but you still never see when one is coming until it hits you. It makes me so curious, and gives me hope that I'll keep finding more people I knew back then. I didn't think our connection was a resistance-type connection either. It's a friendly connection, definitely, and I'd be interested in discussing it further! Feel free to PM me if you want to; I feel a bit guilty for hijacking your thread!

It seems like the Reich was very good at keeping secrets from those who weren't meant to know them - whether they were civilian or a soldier under their service... It's almost scary to think exactly how good they were at that.

Yep! Urban explorer and proud! I'm not sure where I got it from, but I know I love taking pictures and looking around inside.

It's good you're down in an area where there aren't too many factories. That's really interesting about the forest, though... I think I had a similar trigger when I was younger, too, now that you mention it. If I saw smoke rising from somewhere, I became panicked and absolutely convinced that something bad was happening where the smoke was coming from. I've gotten over it now, but it's definitely interesting to see where the triggers show up and how they manifest themselves!

I hope you've had a wonderful weekend, and I hope you have a good week coming up. Remember, PM me if you like and I'll be sure to answer!

Eiszeit

[msmir]

Hi Gerhardt, I am sorry for being a bit late here. I am glad we got in touch I will send you an email back very soon but thanks for sharing your past life experiences. I hope to be here more often soon (I am just insanely swamped which I am not complaining about but wish I had more time to come here) and will chat soon.

[Leutnantzursee]

Hi Gerhardt :-)

Thanks for your lovely response, I'm really glad that I was able to resonate with you and you appreciate my comments :-) I have to confess, I worry terribly about the state of the world and I sincerely pray, we have come back to live through more peaceful times in order to heal, rather than be thrown back into that sort of terror again. There are some very unsavory characters around in politics worldwide, from what I read from my friends in the US, there are factions there that would like to see some kind of Puritan theocracy installed, though I assume their support isn't massive - one hopes!

Thanks for your thoughts on the karma of my little sister and me, I think what you say is wonderful and I hope I will never have to be put through a situation like that again. It's a work in progress, going through a belated grieving (I don't think I had the time for tears then, aside from when I received her clothing in a package) I had to just go straight back into the thick of the fighting and grit my teeth. I have actually met this soul in this life, again via the Internet, although I've not discussed this with the person, he has made a huge impact on me and I began to get more memories of Lisi - who was the little girl in question, shortly after making contact with him. Anyway - I poured my heart out over that issue in another thread, some months ago and got a long way closer to healing thanks to Laurasia :-) I don't know if she was in the euthanasia clinic for long - I hope not, as a lot of the inmates were starved, but yes, from what I was shown, she was injected and died quickly - she couldn't have been more than 13 :-(

That old Norse legend you mention, reminds me of (I think?) a Taoist idea, that before a soul is reborn, it drinks a potion from the Goddess of forgetfulness, it seems to hint at the process we go through prior to a new incarnation where we go through layers of forgetting and forging a new identity - it must be a tough process when you think about it, the soul is so much less fragmented than we are in flesh and blood! I've not heard of the cellular memory release healing - by all means tell me more, I'm always interested in healing techniques, even if I seldom utilise them, I tend to just let things unfold and I'm lazy when it comes to doing things for myself!LOL I'm getting there with my depression, therapy has helped in the past, but it wasn't until I began to work with Emil's issues that things began to make sense. I really do think we hold onto so many energy forms from past lives and genetic memories.

Anyway, sorry if this is a little brief, but I must catch some sleep! I hope we can chat some more and I look forward to seeing you about the forum on other posts too, its so nice to have a new member engage, so few members seem to post on the forum it seems! :-)

[Storm]

Hey, sorry I did not reply earlier. Have a lot of stuff going on right now.

Thank you so much for your reply, and it really does seem like those of us who were SS in that life and who did have involvement in the killings do have very similar experiences when it comes to learning acceptance and forgiveness of ourselves.

I also think it is awesome about your connection with Eiszeit! I myself have made some amazing connections on SR, and it's lovely to see the same thing happen for others. It's such a beautiful aspect of these journeys we find ourselves on, when we connect with souls we almost forgot in the mists of time.

I, too, have come across the idea that those around Hitler were advanced souls taking on a role to enable mass Karma to be settled in a very short time. I would kind of like to believe that but it scares me, because potentially anyone in a position of extreme power could justify their actions to themselves by believing such. I am not saying it is not true, I think on some level it is, but I am so wary of clinging to it as a concept even though it may help my own healing process. I actually feel if I am an advanced soul I should have known better and resigned from that spiritual role, lol. The pain for all concerned was just too great really. A little bit of pain, like the saying "no pain no gain", is essential to spiritual growth, but not the type which leaves such a residue of vibrational agony as the Holocaust. It is nowhere near healed yet, sadly, partly due to being still within living memory for some. In fact I am actually convinced it set up a pain vibration which is hindering our development at this energetically crucial point in time. Which is something that worries me. Not to mention the fact it actually assisted those who are not peaceful within the global superpowers to grow ever stronger and develop killing systems that would make the SS proud. Lizzie is right that the state of the world is a huge concern. I smell a lot of trouble and a real fight to prevent the military industrial complex from launching ever more wars to line their money belts. It really does seem this horrible energy can equally manifest in any regime or ideology.

It is this residual pain that I am interested in working with. I think we can all help, in particular those of us who were perpetrators, by owning what we did and transmuting that dark energy into positive life experience and a deep love and respect for our fellow human beings and the animal kingdom in these new lives.

In fact I think that the integration of one's shadow self, one's dark self is the way to go in terms of cleaning up and also healing ourselves. It is a hard task though.

The murder of anyone is never the right answer and it seems the world still has not learned that lesson, even after the terrible tragedy of the whole WWII era. That really upsets me. The fact we are hurtling towards goodness knows what problems in the future is so frustrating because changing would not be so hard, well only for control freaks. Sadly those in power, now as then are control freaks. It seems to go with the territory!

But on a positive note if every human went through the process we are going through and did take ownership of all that dark energy that we left behind in past lives, then maybe there would be little or nothing to feed this perpetual war machine any more? Maybe there really are no demons and other dark beings, but just those dark aspects of ourselves we have not embraced and brought home? Aspects of ourselves in agony scrabbling around in the darkness, abandoned and causing havoc. There was a great Start Trek episode once where they arrived on a planet where they encountered a dark slime type entity which attacked everything in its path. It turned out that it was the bad side of every member of an advanced, or supposedly advanced, culture that had somehow been extracted and cast aside. This is a great metaphor for what I think is going on here on earth. That somehow that which appears to be demonic and separate from humanity is in fact part of us in some respect, on some other dimensional level. So what we are going through, though painful, may in fact be the opportunity to help clean up the residual pain on this planet, and that has to be good.

Wishing you much luck and many blessings as you continue your healing journey. Look forward to hearing more from you. I may start to post bits and pieces on my thread again in time. Just feel so overloaded as everything happening so fast right now, but then things are speeding up in general so I guess we are all being bombarded with aspects and issues to be dealt with right now as we move forward towards a bigger shift in consciousness that probably awaits us all.

xx

[Laurasia]

Hello Gerhardt.

Oh that smell of diesel! That's just about the worst for me as well! I CANNOT tolerate the smell of gas, but diesel gas exhaust is the absolute worst for obvious reasons. We do have a paper mill that Miss Bothmann & I must pass everyday on the way to & from work, & I sometimes have trouble looking at those towering brick smokestacks too. When I simply cannot do so is at certain times in the spring & fall when the air is very thick due to the difference of temperature in the upper & lower amtospheres, which causes the smoke from those stacks to remain at ground level & overtake the surrounding areas. I have to close my eyes until we are out of the smoky area. I believe this comes from a trip that Hans took to one of the later death camps which employed ovens.

I certainly hope that my entries haven't further aggravated any past life issues that you have regarding this particular lifetime. I have had that happen in some cases, which is why I always tell people that if they are not ready to face such details then please do not subject themselves to them by continuing to read through. After all it certainly does not hurt my feelings if someone is not ready to read what I have remembered of that life. There are some truly terrible things in there.

And as far as that goes, please feel free to post your own recollections whenever you feel comfortable in doing so. I only ask that, if they are graphic or even potentially disturbing, you place a warning at the top of the post so people will not come across something too graphic for them unexpectedly. Being able to openly talk about the horrible things is very healing for us former perpetrators after all. And with the warnings in place, if they are too much for other people they can be avoided completely.

And I have to say that I am very happy that Eiszeit & yourself have been able to discover & explore this connection with each other because of the forum. These are the types of things that I created this place for...reconnecting, healing, etc. It always warms my heart to see things like this occur between members here. I wish the two of you luck in further exploring your connection to one another & hope that, if things are not too personal, that you two will keep the rest of us infomred as to how things are going between you. ;D

Of course you can PM or email me anytime if you would like to speak privately.

Sincerely,
Laurasia

[gerhardt]

Laurasia,
No, no-I mentioned that I was unsettled by some of your writings-of course this is only because they are much too close to home. In no way have I found you off putting or offensive, and in no way have your recollections been too much for me to handle. There are many, many terrible things in my own memories.

There is perhaps an element of that old hierarchy that startles me a bit, but that is to be expected. You see? Even now, I wish to assure you that I hold no malice or umbrage against you, because you were/are of higher rank than I. Its just the way we were.

I am so thankful that you have created this place. It's so good to meet other folks who can talk about these things without others calling them lunatics. Aside from my mother and our phone calls-I do not have much of that in my life. And yes, the future possibility of talking about some more of my own crimes, when I am ready, is wonderful. That would be very healing.

Warning! The following may too graphic for some members!

A "technical" note. I have often wondered if the ovens would have been nicer? I recall at my camp there were the mass burnings over those holes appointed with something that resembled wooden grill grates...with the liquid fat being poured back over top of the bodies to further the blaze. It was so disgusting. At least with the ovens, it was relatively tidy.

If, and as, Eiszeit and I speak personally I don't see why we wouldn't want to share whatever we might uncover. I'm curious, but in a way-the very sharing and confessing I have enjoyed have also exhausted me. Slowly but steadily, it seems, is healthier in these matters.

Likewise, if you have anything you'd like to discuss or that you think I should know, please don't fail to message or email me.

On a separate note-I've said that I think Treblinka was my camp. I spent a good while searching for the name I remember, Gerhardt, in relation to the camp. I found someone by that name, a Gerhardt Borner linked to that camp. I don't know if it was me or not, but it was one of the few instances of that name I could even find. Little is known about him, and his rank seems too high (I don't know why I feel I wasn't very powerful, most of the gassers were actually rather advanced, it seems)...but it is a possibility.

Best,
Gerhardt

[Laurasia]

Hello Gerhardt.

I have indeed added a content warning before the descriptive paragraph in your previous post. Those are the types of instances where one is needed.

Oh I understand exactly what you mean about interacting with those who were ranked above you back in those days. Re-connecting with both Himmler & Heydrich was initially somewhat disquieting to myself as well for similar reasons.

Warning! The following may be too graphic for some members!

I have to agree about the ovens being preferrable over the open pit method of burning bodies too. I tried to keep away from the forest & Waldkommando of Chelmno for that very reason...it was too disgusting, upsetting, & "in your face" for me.

Oh yes, definately take your time with everything that goes on for you here on the forum. Even the good aspects of such healing tends to take a lot out of us. So do not be too eager to continuously push through the process. Many of us have been burned by doing just that ourselves.

Have you recalled what you looked like in that lifetime? If so you may be able to figure out exactly who you were by looking at pictures of different campmen...or at least eliminate some possibilities for yourself. Both Miss Bothmann & I had fully recollected exactly what Hans had looked like so initially finding pictures of him was quite interesting for us. Perhaps you have not recollected having been at a promoted rank yet? You may have preferred being at a lower rank (&, thus, having less direct responsibility for what was happening) & your soul has chosen to not recall the higher rank for the time being. Of course, that is IF you did acheive a higher rank. I'm just throwing out possible scenarios here.

On a side note: I've been trying to find you any other "Gerhardt's" connected to the death camps & have only found "Gerhardt Borner" as well. However I have not found him in any of my links pertaining to Treblinka, but rather to Sobibor. After his time there it says that he was sent to Italy. Whether that has any meaning for you I have no idea.

Sincerely,
Laurasia

[gerhardt]

Laurasia,
You're right, I should have added a warning there. I'll be more careful in the future.

I have not recalled too much about my appearance back then. What I can recall is that I was shorter then than I am now-probably about 5'10, whereas I'm 6'3 now. My hair was dark blonde, not that white-blonde the Aryans loved, but rather wheat colored. My face was too angular to be called attractive, but it was not ugly either. I remember being rather slight of frame.

That's a very good point you made about ranks. Perhaps that's exactly what is happening, that I am blocking out some memories of being more directly responsible.

I have done some research into Herr Borner's life as well, and it really does not resonate with me. I remember dying in Germany, not in Italy. If I ever went to Italy it was only a holiday, so no, I don't think Borner is the answer. It is reassuring though that Gerhardt was not a very popular name-it really eliminates droves of men I could have been.

Perhaps more will come soon. Perhaps I'm not meant to know that much just yet.

Best,
Gerhardt

[eiszeit]

Jun 4, 2012 15:20:58 GMT -5 gerhardt said:

I have not recalled too much about my appearance back then. What I can recall is that I was shorter then than I am now-probably about 5'10, whereas I'm 6'3 now. My hair was dark blonde, not that white-blonde the Aryans loved, but rather wheat colored. My face was too angular to be called attractive, but it was not ugly either. I remember being rather slight of frame.

Your description interests me, because this is more or less how I pictured you to look back then!

I definitely thought you were a bit shorter than I was. Back then, I was about 6'3''. (This time around, I'm about 5'8'', 5'9''. I also find it interesting that we seemed to have switched heights! Another clue, perhaps?) I pictured darker hair, definitely not ice-blond by any stretch of the imagination. I wasn't sure if it was brown or simply a darker blond; all I knew is it was darker. The view I had of you was in profile and I'm not the best at recalling faces, but that sounds about right, and the slight build fits.

Going by this, I think we knew each other back then!

Jun 4, 2012 15:20:58 GMT -5 gerhardt said:

It is reassuring though that Gerhardt was not a very popular name-it really eliminates droves of men I could have been.

That's definitely reassuring for research purposes, and you're lucky to have a more unique name. My PL self's name is a dime a dozen within the ranks, and that makes research more difficult. I hope you find him soon, though. I know how maddening it is when you've got vague memories of an identity, but no leads whenever you do research.

[gerhardt]

Warning! The following may be too graphic for some members!

Dream Recall: "The Blessed Event"

Last night I had another odd dream. The lines between lives were so blurred, I couldn't determine if the dream was taking place then or now. In the dream, I was driving what seemed to be my suv, but I knew that I had at least thirty Jews locked in the back of the vehicle. I was driving on a dirt road the edged a dense treeline, acutely aware of their presence but also very nonchalant about it. There was no one in sight.

I heard a strange noise under the hood and a few dials on the dash started to indicate a problem. I got out and popped the hood. The engine did not resemble my suv's at all, and it seemed to be melting. To my left was a faint track that trucks like the one I was driving had clearly made that led deep into the dark wood. I turned and walked towards that opening in the treeline and briefly wondered if they would escape before the "blessed event" (their gassing). I sort of hoped that they would escape, and sort of hoped they would not.

Upon waking, I was most perplexed and shocked that Gerhardt referred to it (maybe ironically?) as the "blessed event." The phrase felt worn, as though he used it often or frequently thought it to himself. There were no truly strong emotions in the dream, just a sort of apathy.

Thoughts, anyone?

[Leutnantzursee]

Gosh Gerhardt - that really does sound like a PL memory emerging from the dream mind, insomuch as you were seeing the car as the one you own today, rather than the sort of truck you probably drove back then. I've had PL dreams like that quite a lot, and some are probably so subtle we don't even notice that they're referring to PL memories! 'Blessed event' - it must have been perhaps a way in which Gerhardt comforted himself, or rather convinced himself that the Jews being killed were being dispatched humanely, 'going to a better place'. I think war and killing made these people so blase it was shocking - well I guess we already know that, but somehow that seems like a chilling reminder of how 'work-a-day' the killing of innocents became, the feeling of apathy you describe, the resignation to it all, so tragic for all involved, that goes without saying :-( I sometimes wonder if we've carried that over into this life, that sense of fatalism about life and the world? I know I've let people walk all over me, I've poured unrequited love into bottomless pits, for little or no returns and of course I've lived with a deep sense of worthlessness for pretty much all of my life. Those dark, tree-lined forest roads are so evocative, somehow I feel like I know that sight, the dark green shadow of the pine, its scent and the cold winds wavering above the dank and gloom, eerie and so lonely, a sad sense of death in the very air, a feeling of being caught in the cogs of the war machine, caught up in its inevitable catchment. Don't know where that came from!!LOL

Maybe you'll get more dreams, they may as I say, come disguised, I think our minds do this to protect us from the terrifying sights and events we were part of back then, the mind plays with symbols to get the message across, so be on the lookout

Hugs to you

[gerhardt]

Oh Lizzie, I'm afraid you've described that tree lined scene perfectly, aside from the fact that the weather was very pleasant in my dream or memory. It must have been late spring or fall. But your words paint that place better than mine did. Those feelings of resignation and loneliness were so palpable, so present. Thank you for your words, as always.

I believe you may be right about Gerhardt's use of "the blessed event." I think he did, as you suggested, use it to comfort himself. To block out a little bit of the horror. Maybe he truly believed he was helping someone-maybe the state?

In a sort of inverse way, these days I believe that "killing" can be a very merciful thing. In cases of extreme pain and sickness, I often wish I could just 'help a person across the river,' so to speak. Not because I would enjoy it, but because their suffering would end. NOT that I go around angel of deathing people.

Talk soon my dear:)

[amaraeon]

Your story is very interesting and I hope you find all the answers to your questions - it just may take a while that's all. Patience is a virtue. I noted you mentioned something about Treblinka - I may be able to help a bit with that ( though if you're scouring the web you most likely have hit all the resources I have already.)

While I'm thinking of it - just out of curiosity is there a specific reason you chose the user-pic you did?

[gerhardt]

Amaraeon,
Thanks for your reply. I'd appreciate any links or help with Treblinka that you have. It is likely that I've crossed the same spots as you, but you never know. The internet is a big place.

I chose my user picture because, as odd as it sounds, one of the things that first verified my memories years ago was a recollection of riding a horse through a camp. When I woke, I scoffed at myself,"how silly. A horse in a death camp. No way." I eventually found photos of just that very thing...and once I did, the floodgates of memory opened. Incidentally, the folks riding these horses are actually just on the outskirts of Treblinka, so there's a small likelihood that I either am one of them, or knew them.