One of my own memories.

[lulz]

Warning! Some members may find content disturbing!

Many times over, I have had this particular dream of working in Auschwitz. I find myself in a room that appeared to be a lab. I am standing in a circle speaking to three other men, all in white coats, as was I. We were discussing an experiment which was about to be performed. Another man working at the camp brought in a prisoner from the men's barracks. Myself and another doctor strapped the prisoner into the machine, and one other prepared to start it up. During the experiment, the prisoner began convulsing and screaming. I got to where each scream made my stomach turn. A sort of guilt came over me, and I excused myself into the next room. Another doctor followed me out. "What in the hell are you doing, walking out on this?" He asked me. He seemed quite upset with me. "This was your doing, your experiment. You wanted it, and therefore should have to see it just as much as us." When I walked back into the room, the prisoner was already dead. I shook my head and ordered the one who had followed me to get the body out of my sight.
When I awoke from this dream, I had tears in my eyes. I can still remember the way that man's screams sound like, and it makes my stomach turn.

[Laurasia]

Very interesting Lulz. As hypocritical as this is probably going to sound coming from me of all people, I hadn't expected to hear of such a reaction from your previous incarnation. Not that I necessarily thought that you were an evil monster. I just thought that you would have had a more...medical detatchment from all of it I guess. Like a mad scientist perhaps.

I do admit being relieved that my impressions of your former incarnation were incorrect though, even though it did cause you pain to have not been that way. Thank you for sharing this memory with us. I look forward to hearing more from you.

Sincerely,
Laurasia

[Miss Bothmann]

Thank you for sharing, lulz. This must have been very traumatic for you to remember. *hugs*

[lulz]

This is the first time I've ever wrote about any memories from Auschwitz for sharing with others.

And Laurasia, I'm glad to have changed your perspective. I know I was much more...human than was thought. There were other instances where I felt guilty for what I was doing. I didn't like to let on that I felt bad though. You could say that I tried to force indifference on myself. I didn't want to loose respect for not maintaining my composure, but at times, I just couldn't fake it. I would have to leave the room and calm myself down.

[Laurasia]

Well I'm glad that you feel comfortable enough to start sharing these memories here with us, hon.

I can definitely relate what you said about forcing indifference upon yourself. As Hans I typically did just that via alcohol consumption. Maintaining one's composure was very important indeed back then. Other's were always looking for chinks in your armor so that they could move up into you spot.

Sincerely,
Laurasia

[msmir]

I am glad you can talk about this lulz, you need an outlet for these memories! Glad are expressing them.

[lulz]

Thank you. It feels good to know everyone is being supportive, not judging me.

[msmir]

Lulz, you have no worries about anyone here judging you.

[Laurasia]

Definitely not...or they'll contend with me. Feel free to share whatever you need to, hon. ;D

Sincerely,
Laurasia

[lulz]

In yet another recollection that I've repeatedly had, I find myself walking through a snowy forest with a group of other men. It's cold out, and I can remember my face being numb from the cold. We come to a building that looks quite similar to a warehouse. Everyone enters, chats, sits, and it appears that we decided to take shelter or rest there for a bit. After awhile of this, I hear loud bangs. Maybe gunshots. Everybody takes cover. Myself and another man crouch behind a wall. "What's happening?!" I ask. "They're here!" he tells me. I move from where I am and manage to get out of the building through a large hole in the back.

For some reason, I can't recall any further. This memory has been coming to me for awhile in pieces, meaning it started off being a brief glimpse, but I've slowly been able to recall more over time. I feel I'm remembering fighting in the war before I began my work in Auschwitz. I wish I could recall more of this incident, because it seems like what happens next is significant. There's a reason I can't remember the rest. Maybe I'm not ready to?

[msmir]

Lulz you will remember more when you are on a soul level ready to, I promise you that. Other events will trigger more memories to come. A tough recollection you had there.

[Miss Bothmann]

I agree with miriam on this 100%. Some memories are not ready to be faced yet.

[Laurasia]

Oh I've had many a recollection that come that way. You get it bit by bit by bit & you're left going "Come on! I can take it!" LOL! They usually are significant ones when they do that do.

I will warn you though...do not try to push recalling this memory too much. It's extremely tempting to try & deliberately bring up a memory that keeps poking its' head up just a little bit here & there, but you run the risk of either remembering the rest of it before you are ready to or actually blocking the memory from coming through. I've had both outcomes occur in my past....the first outcome can be seriously harmful to your soul/chakric system & the second is just plain old irritating like nothing else.

That's not to say that you can't try to point your meditations in the direction of this memory. Just know when to stop pushing if it truly is not ready to fully come to the front.

Sincerely,
Laurasia

[privatetucker]

Hello there, lulz! I don't know you very well, and therefore don't know exactly *who* you are referring to, but if my gut feeling is right, I'm very glad you shared that memory. I was on the other side of the war, in Auschwitz, and I never thought he felt guilt or anything about what happened, so that lessened some of the prejudice I used to have.

[lulz]

Not sure who your gut feeling tells you I was, but perhaps you're right. I have yet to come out and tell anyone a name publicly, although a few members know.
I did a lot of horrible things in that life that I justified in mind and therefore did not regret. There were other times when I could feel, not sure how to put it into words, I guess the reality of what I was doing to someone, and I felt bad. I tried to do kind things for the prisoners at times, but there were just things I knew "had" to be done, wrong or not. I was, by nature, a fairly soft-hearted person. I just tried not to let it show out of fear of loosing respect.