Karma - boy does it hurt sometimes!

[Leutnantzursee]

(Edited due to disorientating events!) I guess, I just wanted to vent among friends - *sighs* this year is so far proving to be a powerful one in karmic terms I don't know if this is a theme for anyone else? I'm meeting up with significant soul mates, some have welcomed me with open arms, yet others seem hellbent on reminding you that you caused them harm in a past life. I've recently been made aware that in a past life I was a part of some kind of occult group or witch's coven (not sure which) and it has shaken me to the core, much as discovering my PL in the Kreigsmarines did last summer. So many times, I've found myself the victim of what seems like completely unfounded cruelty, sometimes it need not be anything great, but it can be enough to break one's heart because the person causing the suffering feels like a soul mate connection. I had this happen with a woman friend a few years ago, who for no reason at all, just disappeared out of my life, she stopped answering my emails and then dropped me from all her internet social networks without offering any explanation. We had what I thought, was a solid relationship and to this day, I can't imagine what I did to upset her. Other people too, have done similar, snubbing me, excluding me and generally making me feel like I either don't exist or am 'bad'.

What prompted this realization that it might be karmic payback, was really on the surface nothing to get in a flap about, but once again I believed I'd been inexplicably snubbed, this time by the author of a blog that I've grown rather attached to. Anyway, for anyone who's read this thread previously, it turns out I was wrong, it was a mistake as he's replied since to others of my comments, but because of my huge reaction, I realize I HAD to let a lot of sorrow out. The author of this pagan-themed blog has unwittingly thrown me into a state of chaos because of a dream I had about him. I had a dream last week about rather unsavory 'sex-magic' rituals and as one of the characters in my dream was the author of this blog page, I felt understandably perturbed. I came to feel a close connection to this person, which seems ridiculous I know, but of late I've learned to trust my intuition and explore these issues in more depth. I can only think that I was the 'magister' or leader of this group and for all I know, we practiced black or hexing magic, its likely the followers had to give their allegiance to me on pain of death, and no doubt death was the result of our workings. As is the case with so many of us here, we are responsible for having the power of life and death over people in older incarnations. Like the Nazi past lives, when we misused our power, it can take lifetimes to re-dress the balance and even if in this lifetime we're decent, good people who deplore the values we once stood for, we can find ourselves being punished. It made me aware of how much we have to pay for moments of self-indulgent pleasure that costs others, or even the fear of standing against what we knew in our hearts was wrong - the universe has a very long memory. It feels as if this year will throw into relief all that was in shadow and how difficult it can be to deal with that. On a side-note, I saw a headline in Yahoo about an expected solar flair, it seemed to synchronize with my thought at that moment about shadows and light, maybe this is the reason for this 'flare' of pain that has just occurred. I don't know whether to quiz the person involved and ask if he has picked up something about me (very possible) or just slink away hurt, and let sleeping dogs lie. Either way, I'm finding my present incarnation fraught with instances like this and they have accelerated in recent years.

Has anyone else felt this tightening noose of Karma gripping their lives? Maybe its been good things coming to you, I hope so! It made me realize too, how hard it can be to keep ones' heart in a high vibration of love and bring about healing, when you feel the pain of the wrong you did.

[Leutnantzursee]

Oh God - this has just hit me since I posted this. THIS PERSON IS LISI. I've been crying my heart out for the past two hours, because its started to come flooding back and its hit me like a ton of bricks, it might sound like an odd jump to make, but it makes perfect sense. When I had the dream about the witches, beside said man was a girl, lanky with fine blonde hair and she sort of hovered by him like a ghost. I've been trying to figure out the significance of this girl, when it just hit me right between the eyes - it was her - Lisi. When I first did my regression and saw the little sister, I just kept thinking that I didn't recognize her from this life and I've certainly entertained a few ideas about who she might have been, but nothing triggered any response. I just couldn't understand my intense emotional response to this man, I've never met him or barely spoken, but he's initiated a huge welling up of feeling, mostly terrible, fearful ones, things I now know I didn't want to break through - they were just free-floating anxiety like I've never felt before. Now I acknowledged this I feel lighter. First of all I saw Lisi in the 'institution' calling for me, pleading for me to come and get her, she kept thinking I was coming (I can hardly write for crying now) can you imagine how I feel, absolutely terrible. The poor mite was calling for me and I never came. Those items I saw in that flashback before had been sent to me by the 'home' after they had put her to death, the little knitted lamb and her cardigan. I saw us together in a park, me holding her hand, at this sort of time of year too, crocuses just coming up, she's about eight I suppose and I considerably older. Then some time in summer I buy her an ice cream somewhere and a word comes to me - something like... nollense or nollein - I have no idea what that is. I can see her so clearly now, she had a sort of squint, and had worn glasses since she was tiny. The man in this life has pictures of himself on his blog page and I'd thought that oddly he resembled me in this life, aside from the eyes - that he could be my brother. Lisi absolutely looked up to me and relied on me and I let her down in the worst way imaginable, right now I just can't forgive myself as her cries keep ringing around my head. And when I think of what I might have done to this poor soul earlier with the witches coven, once again when he trusted me, I took him to his death. Is it any wonder he may have got a really bad feeling about me:-( I'm so thankful I have this forum to pour my heart out, anywhere else, people would think I was crazy, I can't thank you all enough for being here and listening. Sorry if all of this sounds a little disjointed, but I'm still really shaken up from the realization.

[ignotus]

Noose of Karma.. Yes.. I'm feeling it now. Darn tonsils...

Don't take it so hard.. Alright..? I'm having a hard time as well, stuck between a rock and a hard place. Physically and mentally.

You met your little sister, the one where.. You gave her up? I'm so sorry for that.. If you need to talk, I can understand your pain very well. Feel free to call me up, alright?

[plgmziegesar]

Dear Liz, I am so sorry to hear of your broken heart, and can only imagine your feelings. The thing to keep in mind when working with karma is that it is never one-sided, and it is correctable. You have been gifted with the knowledge of your previous negligence in properly protecting this soul. Now you can work towards making amends. And I have a feeling the work you are meant to do based on this knowledge is bigger than your apologies and protective actions for this soul now. Something like working to protect others with disabilities, or even protecting the internet or other avenue this soul currently uses for their benefit. I have found, times of great karmic "awakening" are the Universes way of jump starting us into greater action.

I would also consider the implications of this bond. Perhaps you were given an opportunity to protect this soul in previous lives because before that, they were the ones negligent of your needs. That is often how karma works. Those who we misuse/neglect in one life return in the following life in a role which allows the tables to be turned. Were you counting on this person in anyway? Explore how he could be given the opportunity this time to wither protect/ neglect you, and see if there are links. But, keep in mind, karma does not always come back to us directly from the person we "earned" it through. In this life you (and I) have a debt to pay society and mankind. This will come in different forms...follow your intuition and allow the painful lessons the Universe is teaching as a way to see where the debt can be paid.

I am really glad for this forum, too! Hang in there, be remorseful, cry and weep...these are all very healing! Then keep it as a little badge on your arm to remember your mission!

Sending love your way!
Kris

[Leutnantzursee]

Thanks Ignotus, yes it is the little sister I had to give up *sighs* I even saw that I took her to the house where they carried out their T4 horrors, under the guise of it being a sort of nursing home. And there was me thinking the Gestapo probably marched into your house and arrested such people - obviously not (I don't know if anyone can verify that BTW?) I could see the House and I don't know if the word i got yesterday was the name of the house? I feel a bit better today, thanks to thrashing a lot out with my best friend last night, who is like a little sister to me in this life:-) Thanks for your kind thoughts Ignotus and the offer of a shoulder:-)

Hi Kris - thank you so much for your insight on this, I'm thinking right now 'wow'! You are of course right about the work we have to do now in this life, how we can re-align those broken energies with others and yes, this man is definitely one of those important players in that task. Right now I feel like a storm is coming, is the only way I can describe it and my stomach has been in knots for days. Kris - can I PM you? Thanks so much for your love and understanding:-)

[Leutnantzursee]

...Just wanted to add, that as I broke down yesterday, I cried out that I don't 'deserve to be happy,' it felt like I'd dug to the bottom of the well in finding out why I just expect people to dislike me, because I dislike me because of what I did to Lisi. I have such wretched feelings sometimes, terrible, painful feelings of alienation which really are quite unfounded on reality. Funnily enough I was also reminded of when I was really little and my dad was late picking me up from nursery, I was sure he'd abandoned me, the feeling was terrible. I can't help wondering if I've taken on some of Lisi's pain in this lifetime? She died utterly terrified, leaving behind an almost electric energy burning into the spot, God - it was a terrible thing to witness. I'm really shaken up:-( I'm wondering now if in some way we the reincarnated Nazis have taken on the pain of some of our victims in this life for a purpose? All this aside from being harrowing is opening up yet more questions about the nature of the type of healing we all need to do.

[plgmziegesar]

Absolutely! You are free to PM me anytime you like!

Hugs!
Kris

[Laurasia]

Hello Liz.



I really don't know what to say right now, hon. It seems that a lot of us are having very similar problems in regards to how we go about dealing with & healing the things surrounding our past lives. I am also in a state of turmoil regarding Hans' life & all of the ramifications from his actions. I'm also having huge, mind-blowing realizations about any things which I thought I had already sufficiently worked through. And, as with you, shame seems to be a big part of what is going on with myself as well. My own thoughts surrounding all of this are, frankly, too chaotic & "snowballing" for me to even sit down & work with themproperly at this point in time. So I can certainly understand the anxiety that you are going through with all of this. I am in a very similar place myself at the moment.

I really don't know why all of this is happening for so many of us at this particular point in time. Unless it all has to do with the energetic shifts that are kicking into high gear this year? In any case, rest assured that you are not alone in being thrown into a "karmic whilrwind" at the moment. Just try to take everything as slowly as you need to (in my own case, I've had to put it on hold altogether for the time being) & remember to take care of your own self. After all, none of us will be able to heal anything that has happened, or completely help in such processes, until we have first figured how to do that for ourselves within our own hearts.

If you need to you know that you can always PM or email me, hon. I may not be able to offer many (if any) answers at the present moment, but I can certainly be there to reassure you that you're not alone in this chaos.

Sincerely,
Laurasia

[Leutnantzursee]

Thanks so much Laurasia for your lovely kind words, it really makes a world of difference to know I'm not alone with this karmic acceleration, its hard not to feel like going to sleep and never waking up again:-( You must be feeling so terrible too hun, as ever I offer you a big hug of consolation, we're all in this together and thank God that we are, I don't think I could cope without you guys here otherwise. Anyway - I've actually entered into an email exchange with Lisi's present incarnation, he described himself as a boy and it sounded just like Gwida's description of my little sister, I just burst into tears again and once again, took a couple of his comments as rejection, merely his own reservations at some of the things I'd discussed (though, I've certainly not mentioned my PL!) I'm so afraid of this man hating me, you can understand why, and I don't know yet what I can do to make amends. He seems like a very stable and self-sufficient person, but so was Lisi. She was indeed a quiet little bookworm, lost in her own world and never hurting a soul. The murder of all these innocents has just reduced me to a heap today - especially when SS3 told me it was Holocaust remembrance day. I think I might light a candle for my darling little Lisi and pray the grief I feel right now, doesn't consume me:-(

[Laurasia]

Hi Lizzie.



Indeed, the 27th was the U.N.'s Holocaust Rememberance Day. (Here in the U.S. we have a seperate day for Holocaust Rememberance as well.) I lit a candle as well...like I always do.

The only thing that I can tell you right now regarding this guy is to take things slowly. The last thing that you want to do is come on too strong & scare him off after all! LOL! Indeed, I don't know what I would do (other than feel like I'm losing my mind) without having all of you here to discuss these things with as well. This truly does eem to be a sticky time for quite a few of us, for whatever reason. At least we are not alone in all of this & can console one another during such chaotic times.

Hang in there, hon. As they say..."It's always darkest before the dawn."

Sincerely,
Laurasia

[Leutnantzursee]

Oh God Laurasia, I took the plunge and looked at some of the sites about T4 yesterday, I've just been putting it off and putting it because I couldn't face it. I spent all afternoon crying, honestly I feel like I've been hit by a sledgehammer at the moment:-( I don't know why, but I have a feeling Lisi might have ended up in Brandenburg. Something about it gave me chills (though all the euthanasia 'hospitals' did) and I wonder if the house I saw myself taking her to, was just a regular clinic to which a bus would have taken her somewhere else to be killed. I just know it was the last time I saw her alive.

You're quite right about this guy, and I'm already so terrified I've messed it up and frightened him away, but I know I'm also feeling extra sensitive in this issue, so am over-reacting. I just don't want to fail this time, but can't help wondering why it should happen when it did, amidst big solar flares and odd planetary alignments, making it nigh impossible not to come across rather 'strong' though of course all we've discussed is pagan things. I just feel like my future happiness rests on how I go through this process, I won't get another chance, so if I have messed it up already, I don't know what on earth to do:-( Honestly, how can I witter on when you have your own nightmare to face, if this amount of energy can come from just one soul, how must it be for multitudes? Maybe its worse when you have a personal connection to someone. Actually a little intuition has just popped into my head - Laurasia - do you think any of your soul group/family were Hans's victims? I can see that if you were able to tune into an individual, it could act as the catalyst for all the others. I don't know if that makes sense at all? I wondered if I was able to go to Brandenburg, or wherever Lisi died, I couldn't help move the other souls/energy still trapped there. It's like you need a 'marker' a soul that resonates personally with you. Hans most probably wasn't aware of such a connection, but you can be certain that somebody that died at Chelmo had come as a soul mate in some form. This might actually be key to this monumental task of healing, finding a 'key' soul to act as intermediary. Don't know if that's relevant or not, but I just think our purpose is to clear this energy, if we put it there then its our responsibility and no one else's to clear it. Oh my, things are tough right now, I'm so glad I can take a break here every day and just pour all this out, I'm so scared it will drive me mad, I know what you mean hon!

[Laurasia]

Hi Lizzie.

Breathe, hon. Okay you "took the plunge" & forced yourself to face the euthanasia centers. That was incredibly brave of you! It didn't kill you (or drive you irrevocably insane ), but it was a lot to put yourself through. You've done that now &, believe me, a door within you has opened somewhere because of it. that means that you have to be extra gentle with yourself & take things slowly. Now that you've opened that door you likely find more recollections & thoughts about all of this flooding your mind. You need to make sure that you sift through these things at a pace that is healthy for you & that you don't take on too much all at once. Rarely are there instances in our lives when such healing work is a "now or never" situation. While it is true that you maybe are being presented with an opportunity for some massive healing work right now, if you are ready for such work the chance will come again in another form later on.

I've not yet come into personal contact with any of Hans' former victims...that I know of. I fully expect that the day will come at some point though if such a person is not already present in my life somewhere. I've often wondered what my reaction would be to such a person, but I suppose I will find out when it happens. Perhaps that's what all of this upheaval is all about...getting me ready for meeting (or becoming aware of) that person who is such a personal connection to everything that Hans did in Poland? Perhaps that is why numerology has suddenly become such an important subject to me in recently? Maybe it will be through someone's numerological chart that I will discover the connection between us?

I agree things are a mess right now. But I have been able to regain some of my bearings through my study of numerology, so that has helped to "calm the tempest" a bit for me. I'm so glad to hear that the forum is such a help to you, as it is for many of us here. That's what I created it for afterall...a place to come & get all of these jumbled messes & feelings out of your head & in a more "workable" place.

Sincerely,
Laurasia

[Leutnantzursee]

Thanks Laurasia - right now, I'm not getting so much images or memories, but instinctive feelings, mostly angry and despondent ones, my stomach in knots, I really just don't feel very well at the moment and I hope it will pass. I'm trying really hard to be gentle with myself, but the feelings are just overwhelming and flooding my system, honestly all this stuff is beginning to scare me. I hope really for your sake that you don't come across a soul mate from Hans's life that you might have come into contact with, if its anything like my experience, it won't be a nice one:-( I'm just so unhappy right now, I feel like I've lost myself in this grief, I just want to be happy and live in the present, but all I get is this dark disquieting almost menacing angst. I went through something similar in the late 90's when i linked up with the life before Emil, but that had a positive energy despite the sadness it brought, the healing came in bright and loving ways too, while this feels tortuous and troubling. I just wish I had some answers, but I guess as they say, tomorrow is another day!

[msmir]

Right now Mars is in retrograde and that is when our inner conflicts are at its height. Therefore very unpleasant past life memories or emotions will surface whether you think you are ready or not. I say think because you may not think you are ready to handle it, but the fact of the matter is, you are. And this is when is the best time to face up to it, and as awful as it is.. look into it and it will open SO many doors. And yes it was incredibly brave of you to read up on the T4 program but you are meant to deal with that aspect of the past and it will ALWAYS be incredibly hard at first. But again I tell you, it will open up so many doors and create some great shifts in the end for you. You will find out how it will help when the time is right. You may even find yourself from this becoming an advocate for those with disabilities or something. A million things could be a result of this. Funny how Laurasia mentioned numerology because recently I had discovered that my middle name's vibration along with my first has created additional suffering and just bad luck in general LOL. Long story as to how I came to that conclusion but I once and for all have decided to legally change it to the name I SHOULD have been named all along.. which was the name my mother had originally wanted to use but did not just to please my paternal grandmother!! It is much better and I am already finding myself to move on easier from things just by claiming the new name and heal that much quicker! But at the same time, your name is never an accident, I guess I needed to have the original middle name to get me to face my past. Nice to know that I can now chuck it, gosh I hated it too and now I know why. But anyway my point is these energies right now that are forcing you to look into the most unpleasant part of your past will in the end open up something better for you. Hang in there for the time being. Nothing is forever.

[Leutnantzursee]

Hi Miriam, thanks for your insight:-) I guess I should have known grotty planetary alignments would be behind so much of this! I've been thinking a lot about astrology and although I know diddlysquat, I had a look at my current planets on line and see I have this horrible sun versus Pluto thing, since 2008, which is eerie because I've had nothing but failed ventures and disappointments since then. What you say about Mars is so interesting, it certainly casts a lot of light on why both Laurasia and I are (not to mention others) are going through such a similar dark night of the soul with our PL's. It never occurred to either about numerology, I only know my life path number is one. I dislike one of my middle names too, I hope it isn't bringing me bad luck! Thanks for your support Ms Mir, at least I feel comforted knowing that this had no choice but to happen, so however it unfolds it has to have a greater good at the end of it all.