Post by kb on Mar 24, 2014 20:44:11 GMT -5
Where to start...
I have felt for a very long time that I was a young Jewish girl killed in the Holocaust.
I grew up a very sensitive girl and I was also very fearful and paranoid about everything. I was just born this way. When I was in the first grade I did a report on Anne Frank and I guess that's where my memories began. I couldn't obtain enough information about this time period. Weird for a first grader! It wasn't the war or the Nazi party that interested me, it was the deportation and near annihilation of the Jewish people that I became obsessed over. I just felt so deeply connected to this time period. I've been told that it's vulgar to call it an obsession but that's what it is. The interesting thing is that my brother, my uncles and my grandfather are obsessed with the Nazi side of the war. I also have another uncle that believes he was a Jewish boy that was killed in a concentration camp. Sometimes I wonder if we were put in each other's lives to heal.
I also had health issues and fears that sprung up from when I was in the 2nd grade to when I was in the 4th grade. I became suddenly afraid of fire. If my father was cooking I couldn't even walk near the stove. I had to be as far away as possible. I would also wake up in the middle of the night gasping for breath and feeling as though my lungs were being crushed. It felt like no matter how hard I tried I couldn't take enough air into my lungs. They just could not inflate all the way. I also became afraid every time my mother was not in sight. I would panic when I took a bath because she would leave me alone and I was terrified she would disappear. I also have a weird memory of her being naked and beaten, which is absolutely unrelated to this life. During this time period I developed a rather large birthmark on my back that I believe corresponds with my heart. The most terrifying experience I had during this period in my life was that one day I felt like I could not swallow solid food without choking. I lost around eight-ten pounds and only felt comfortable eating chicken broth and jello (not sure what this is related to, it was just odd). My childhood doctor couldn't seem to find a cause for my issues, accept for anxiety. Eventually these issues seemed to just disappear as quickly as they came around. However, I do sometimes feel the breathing issues come back. Another thing that I have noticed as I have gotten older is a constant need to know what my next meal will be. My co-workers joke that I eat more than all of them combined, even though I am pretty thin.
I have had trouble distinguishing my life now from the Holocaust. In the past I have felt deeply depressed over it but for some reason I feel like I am at a point in my life now where I am healing from it. I don't know if I really did die a young Jewish girl in Auschwitz but sometimes I really feel for sure I did. Recently I woke up in the night with a vision of a child being torn apart by dogs and Nazis watching. I don't know if this was just my imagination but it was very sad to see none the less. I wonder if this did happen to some children in Auschwitz? The odd thing is that I have no anger what so ever towards the Nazi party. I'm not sure why but I just know that they were all following what they thought was right at the time. The only individuals I feel were truly evil were Hitler and some of those who were close to him. I feel that many Nazis and victims have already met on the other side and done some healing together but some of us have to come to earth to heal together. I also wonder if I hurt others before my life in the Holocaust and that is why I had that life and now have an understanding of Karma and forgiveness. I have really debated writing this on here but I feel that this is a really safe place to talk about it all.
Xoxo,
KB
I have felt for a very long time that I was a young Jewish girl killed in the Holocaust.
I grew up a very sensitive girl and I was also very fearful and paranoid about everything. I was just born this way. When I was in the first grade I did a report on Anne Frank and I guess that's where my memories began. I couldn't obtain enough information about this time period. Weird for a first grader! It wasn't the war or the Nazi party that interested me, it was the deportation and near annihilation of the Jewish people that I became obsessed over. I just felt so deeply connected to this time period. I've been told that it's vulgar to call it an obsession but that's what it is. The interesting thing is that my brother, my uncles and my grandfather are obsessed with the Nazi side of the war. I also have another uncle that believes he was a Jewish boy that was killed in a concentration camp. Sometimes I wonder if we were put in each other's lives to heal.
I also had health issues and fears that sprung up from when I was in the 2nd grade to when I was in the 4th grade. I became suddenly afraid of fire. If my father was cooking I couldn't even walk near the stove. I had to be as far away as possible. I would also wake up in the middle of the night gasping for breath and feeling as though my lungs were being crushed. It felt like no matter how hard I tried I couldn't take enough air into my lungs. They just could not inflate all the way. I also became afraid every time my mother was not in sight. I would panic when I took a bath because she would leave me alone and I was terrified she would disappear. I also have a weird memory of her being naked and beaten, which is absolutely unrelated to this life. During this time period I developed a rather large birthmark on my back that I believe corresponds with my heart. The most terrifying experience I had during this period in my life was that one day I felt like I could not swallow solid food without choking. I lost around eight-ten pounds and only felt comfortable eating chicken broth and jello (not sure what this is related to, it was just odd). My childhood doctor couldn't seem to find a cause for my issues, accept for anxiety. Eventually these issues seemed to just disappear as quickly as they came around. However, I do sometimes feel the breathing issues come back. Another thing that I have noticed as I have gotten older is a constant need to know what my next meal will be. My co-workers joke that I eat more than all of them combined, even though I am pretty thin.
I have had trouble distinguishing my life now from the Holocaust. In the past I have felt deeply depressed over it but for some reason I feel like I am at a point in my life now where I am healing from it. I don't know if I really did die a young Jewish girl in Auschwitz but sometimes I really feel for sure I did. Recently I woke up in the night with a vision of a child being torn apart by dogs and Nazis watching. I don't know if this was just my imagination but it was very sad to see none the less. I wonder if this did happen to some children in Auschwitz? The odd thing is that I have no anger what so ever towards the Nazi party. I'm not sure why but I just know that they were all following what they thought was right at the time. The only individuals I feel were truly evil were Hitler and some of those who were close to him. I feel that many Nazis and victims have already met on the other side and done some healing together but some of us have to come to earth to heal together. I also wonder if I hurt others before my life in the Holocaust and that is why I had that life and now have an understanding of Karma and forgiveness. I have really debated writing this on here but I feel that this is a really safe place to talk about it all.
Xoxo,
KB