Feeling Guilty

[sarque]

I know that a fair amount of us feel guilt for various things in our past lives, whether it be things we did, things we believed, or any number of things, but I've been experiencing some real issues of guilt lately over how much there's a part of me that misses the war. Not the horrible aspects of it, of course, but I was a very good pilot, and I loved flying, and I felt like I had a place in the war.

In March of this year I was diagnosed with epilepsy. This was a really big blow to me emotionally because I had planned on getting a pilot's license in this life, too, partially to overcome the crippling fear of flying I've developed since my Luftwaffe life and partially because there's a part of me that, even though it scares me so much, misses it. But now I don't think I can ever fly -- hell, they won't even let me drive if I haven't been seizure free for an appropriate amount of time.

So coming back to the feeling of guilt, and of missing the war, maybe I'm just missing the fact that I was so capable then. After I was wounded in 1944, I had the same feelings of uselessness that I do now. But the times before that, the times spent with fellow pilots, the flying itself, even the fighting to some extent... I do miss it, and I feel bad for missing it. The war was terrible, but sad to say, I think my past self knew that that was where I belonged -- and I'm certainly feeling that now.

[Storm]

I am so sorry to hear of your diagnosis, Sarque, and I hear everything you say about flying. I did take up flying in this life after carrying a love of flying with me. I nearly became a professional pilot but it just wasn't meant to be in terms of the military and I could not take to commercial aviation.

There is nothing wrong with missing stuff we enjoyed or were good at. But in our new lives we are challenged to find other stuff we are good at and connect with. You are certainly not useless and you never were, regardless of how you felt after being wounded then and how you feel now. It is always easy for someone else to say that, of course, but no one is useless and we often feel so blinded by our negative emotions and that which reminds us of our human frailties that it is hard to believe the good stuff about ourselves,

It's not the same but I am feeling kind of all at sea too because of major changes in my life. I have to learn to find a new place for myself and new stuff I can achieve in, and it is not easy. But life is like that.

Don't feel guilty about missing the aspects of the war that brought out your confidence and skills back then. Suppressing feelings for stuff we love and miss only makes us feel worse.

You could always get someone else to take you on a leisure flight someday if you really feel you must get back in the air to confront your fear. Don't beat yourself up about any of this, hon. *hugs*

I bet you are very capable at a lot of stuff and, as you are young, you have time to discover all your new capabilities, which I am sure will bring you joy too.

Be kind to yourself as it has probably all been a big shock to get such a diagnosis. And, really, try not to feel guilty about missing aspects of the war era. I bet there are many who do, even if they don't realise it or don't admit it.

[glpoisson]

I don't know if you read my intro/Luftwaffe PL post but I dealt with my 'war guilt' in that life and did not carry it forward into this one. I am not writing this to brag, just to say that that guilt can be let go at any time once you feel it no longer has any attachment to you. It's sort of like scraping barnacles off the hull of a ship. Every once in a while a ship needs to go into dry-dock to have the barnacles scraped. Take some time for yourself and figure out how best to scrape these feelings off you (the eternal soul) or they will just stay with you and weigh you down.

The root, metaphysical, cause of seizures is a lack of synchronization between the brain (thoughts, ideas) and the body (physical, external world). The methods to do this are many; meditation being the most common and easiest to implement and maintain as a practice. You just need to find the one that works for you and travel that path to health in this life. As a side benefit, your PL trauma/feelings will drop away as you move into harmony. The epilepsy serves as the final boot in the butt for you to do something about these feelings. No better time than now to begin.

Grant

[Laurasia]

Hi Sargue.

There is no reason to feel guilty over missing the good aspects of the war & being in it. (It may be hard for some to believe, but there were some things that were good about it for some people.) It's not as though you are saying that you miss killing people after all. You are saying that you miss being a capable & accomplished fighter pilot. There is nothing wrong with that.

In all honesty, though some people might possibly take this the wrong way, there are times that I miss being in control like Hans was in the camp. Like you - I don't miss the killing, but I sometimes do miss being the administrative leader in my daily work life. There's nothing wrong with that. Just as in your case.

I'm also sorry to hear about your epilepsy diagnosis. My older sister also has epilepsy. Hopefully you will have little trouble in findling the best way to control your particular seizures.

Sincerely,
Laurasia

[Iseke]

This may be a little bit out there...but is it possible your diagnosis preventing you from following the same path as in your past life wasn't an accident?

I think the feelings of yearning for an aspect of our past are entirely valid. It's not even so much about flying, or being in a particular position, as it is about feeling truly useful, connected, purposeful, meaningful, having a sense of self and self worth. All of these things are important and they are all things you can strive to find again in this life, albeit in a different fashion!

But you'll always have those fond memories, and it's perfectly fine to hang on to them! It just may not be necessary to recreate them or feel like a path as a pilot is the only way to feel a sense of belonging and purpose.

*hug* Hope you're well!

[Demi]

It seems to be a quite common occurrence, even so to speak, a karmic situation, something preventing us from following a similar path to the one last time. Our soul is always on the path of evolution to higher aspects of universal love. There could be "good" things about the war on a smaller scale, but the soul sees the whole picture and gives us a karmic situation that will push us in a different, fuller direction.

It makes sense to miss what we don't have any more. But it is a part of the process...

It is like the man who left his hut to go to the palace. While he is on the road the rocks are many, the hill is steep, the wolves are circling around. He has not yet reached the palace; he misses the comfort of his hut. But he would never reach the palace had he stayed.

All the best,
Demi

[gumby]

I feel that way sometimes, that things were better in Nazi Germany than now. I feel like things are out of control now, there seems to be no basis or center of our lives in this time, so many people today seem out for themselves and not for the greater good. I know that there were good people back in the Thrid Reich, strong people with a will and determination to make Germany excell. There were excellent men and women among the Nazis, instilled with strong character and unbending will. Many of our leaders abused power and brought ruin to the country, but most Germans held steadfast in their morals and values of sacrifice for the greater good of the nation.

[sarque]

It's been awhile since I posted this topic, and I'm sorry for not coming back and responding sooner. I was really glad to read all of what you guys had to say, just knowing that some people can relate in many ways, and hearing that this isn't just something I'm experiencing.

War has been part of my experience in all of my lives except this one (that I remember, I'm sure there have been other lives where I haven't been a soldier, but the truth is, I don't recall any of them), and I think there is something to be said for the fact that, perhaps, I'm not meant to be experiencing war. It's hard for me to do something else, and to find purpose in something else, but it helps me to believe that maybe that's how it's supposed to be.

[Laurasia]

Hi Sarque.

I can definitely understand what you are saying about not being a soldier now. The vast majority of my own incarnations have been as soldiers of some sort who fought in different wars. When I was younger I even aspired to be a member of "the elite of the elite" (Hans' influence likely caused those thoughts) of the American Armed Forces - though I didn't know what the "elite of the elite" would have meant. Thankfully things happened which made that an impossibility for me this time around.

Though, as was pointed out to me by a dear friend years ago, I am still very much a soldier in this lifetime - just of a different sort. Being a survivor of both sexual assault & horrible childhood abuses I often fight in the defense of others who have had similar experiences & help them to overcome their demons due to such things. In fact, most of us here tend to do that for each other. So I suppose, in a weird way, many of us are soldiers of a sort.

Sincerely,
Laurasia