Maxie

[maxie]

I'm new to remembering my past lives. I've always had memories, but never realized or put much thought into it, until I began to look into the idea of reincarnation. Many of my memories are scattered. Some make sense and others not so much. So, I figured, I'd share what I have thus far and hopefully move on from there to an answer and perhaps know why and where to go from there?


Warning, some of the memories below may be graphic!

-One of my first memories was in this sparse, cold and dreary place. There are emaciated skeleton looking people, and I have one of them by the collar and I am angry because they didn't do as I had wanted and I kept punching them until they no longer moved.

-A prisoner had escaped and they were not able to recapture him, so in retaliation, my superiors had us line up a group of prisoners, and lined them up and shot them.

-I know I was married, and maybe had a couple of kids. I would change my uniform before going home so that my wife and children wouldn't see the blood stains. I loved my wife incredibly much, they same with my children. I just wish I could remember more about them.

-This may seem strange but I have a memory of a group of us guards getting wildly drunk and going into a whorehouse of sorts, and having a drunken orgy with both prisoners and each other. After leaving, I found a prisoner out passed curfew and forced them to open their mouth so I could urinate in it.

-As far as physical features. I was blond haired and blue eyed. almost 6 ft tall, but was built like a rugby player. I drank heavily and was a chain smoker.

[nomadicsoul]

Ach, yes, alcoholism and overindulgences of other sorts (sadosexuality, cigarettes, probably other things I cannot recall at the moment) seemed to be frequent problems with guards and others. However, I do not believe that (most) of the guards themselves, were they separated from the situation, were cruel men. But, placed in a position of power, cruelty breeds like a virus. Do you know of the Stanford prison experiment?

My theory is that it had in part to do with the guards' own frustrations, and the actuality was that it was easy to abuse prisoners because of their own frustration. Especially when the cruelty is encouraged by those higher ranking...It was very easy to let one's behavior slip into such a state.

Most humans have a great capacity to be sadistic and cruel, given the "right" stimuli. The important part is that you are sorry for your actions, and working to make amends. You are on the right path.

[maxie]

I feel that, overall I was a cruel person. I could probably put a gun to a prisoner's face and pull the trigger whilst looking them in the eyes. Although with my wife and children, I was tender with them. They brought out my soft side, only with them.

It could have been frustrations, I wasn't a happy person and was angry and drank and fought to bury those feelings. Even now looking back, I don't feel bad, but rather am numb. I don't know how I feel. I think if I spend my time feeling guilty all the time, it won't change actions done, and in a way is hindering me from doing what I should in this life. At the same time, I don't feel what was done, was right. It wasn't. But I don't feel overwhelmingly sorry.

[Leutnantzursee]

Hi maxie - thank you for sharing with us :-)

Yes, I relate to the alcohol abuse back then too, my Emil drowned his sorrows most certainly, I saw that in my regression. I feel for you camp men, having to shut down the heart to such an extent in order to get by, how soul destroying, literally - is that? It was do as you're bloody well told, or get shot yourself. The war made us immune to the suffering of others, I know Emil was a gunner in the Luftwaffe briefly and he enjoyed picking off his victims, that was probably why he didn't get on, he was too cold for the gracious-hearted airmen. These memories must be so distressing, I know. :-( Out of interest maxie - did you have recurring nightmares as a child about those 'skeletons'?

[Demi]

I've read about the Stanford experiment. It's quite interesting. They put people into 3 categories: the good guy, bad guy and the one that goes by the rules. While the ''bad' guys prevail in many Holocaust stories (it could have been a larger group), I can say that from my access to Auschwitz primary sources back when I did my research, I saw accounts on all three types of guards.

There are a couple of interesting movies inspired by the Stanford experiment; one German version (2001) and one American version (from 2010 I think it is) The latter named "The Experiment" with Forest Whittaker and Brody. The American one is really subtle and well done, while the German one I can't stand. Others have opposite opinions, I know.
I have to say that I really related to the guards in the movie, in spite of the fact that they oppose the protagonist. The movie was quite intense to me.

My PL Fritsi had all three in him, maybe the 'rules' person prevailing, tho' he was quite a shapeshifter. He was a bit of a control freak demanding orderliness. Perceived negligence set him off, while at other times he was protecting his 'herd' in order to get a job or project accomplished.
He hated violence, to watch it, (when he got mad then he could go off as well, yelling and whatnot). I think being in the camp was making him imbalanced. He relied on substances to put a blanket on his feelings.

Gosh, I had some of the most intense experiences when you speak about shooting. One thing Fritsi reacted to, he couldn't sometimes stand the suffering of the prisoners, and would shoot them to end it. He really hated doing that. Yeah I guess I cannot say enough about how much he hated the place, colliding with his sense of orderliness (harmony)! He felt like a soldier who wanted to go to war and fight, and what was happening there was unworthy of soldiers. Especially with the women in the camp it triggered a wake up call to what's going on. He respected women and regardless of their nationality and why they were there, this all was had such a bad vibe to it, and one of the reasons he turned his dislikes so strongly against his own government leaders.

Laurasia mentioned in her post something about (and it's not a direct quote, sorry, I can't find it) the frustration and pain being the reason for the behavior of many soldiers. When I saw the quote I wanted to put it up on the wall in a wooden frame, as I feel it quite sums up everything. I know Fritsi was a very unhappy person, which started in his childhood; joining the Adi folk was a search for meaning in life which did *not* work out and the s**t hit the fan when he ended up in the camp on contract: "you're a traitor if you try to leave!" And the way to go for traitors, we know.

He managed to get transferred out of there, some thought him being crazy to volunteer for the front (and turned out fatal for him) but his real motivation was an inner creepy feeling, a voice which kept bugging him: 'we who are here, are going to be next, there's no doubt'!

And I can add that I believe (and also based on new research of the human brain physiology) that how we behave has a corresponding state in the physiology. Good or bad, is actual dependent on how much stress is in the brain. I can add, that alcohol and/or drug use does not help (as it makes functional 'holes' in the brain, dead, inactive areas), and that as well as other factors could make things worse, and probably did.

All the best,
Demi

[maxie]

Hi, thank you all for your replies. I shall respond later, but I wanted to get some memories down real quick!

I had several dreams last night, and I'm not sure if they are related or not, but for future references:

Warning! Some of these may be disturbing!

-My first dream was of what looked like to be a transport coming in and I was standing there watching this. I saw a man in a white coat standing on a platform, sorting out those who were coming off the rail cars, and he either pointed them to the left or to the right. A little girl got lost from her mother and was crying and screaming and one of the guards hit her with a whip. The dream then ended.

-Second dream: I am in the Kommandants office and he is confiding in me about what the plans are for the camp. I got the feeling that he saw me like a son. He would tell me everything, and told me, one day I too, could be Kommandant! After the conversation, the dream skipped over to his house and he had this dog, and I would take the dog out, in my free time for walks in the woods. I loved going into the woods for walks, as it gave me time to think. I would sometimes write poetry out there and talked to the dog.

[Laurasia]

Hello Maxie.

Thank you for sharing your recollections with us...& for using the appropriate warnings as well! ;D

I can certainly relate to a lot of what you've posted. Hans was capable of some very cruel things at times as well & he did lose his mind more & more the longer he was left "out in the sh*t". And the part about being completely different & normal when with your beloved! YES! Hans never had enough time with Anna & felt that those were the only times that he was able to be him. He believed that Anna got rid of the monster that he became when they were apart & towards the end he greatly feared that, due to the two of them being seperated so much, even Anna would not be able to tame the beast that the had become.

One of the things that resonates the most for me about Hans' insanity is the extreme cold that would come over him. he would have an unbelievably strong flash of burning hot rage that would be almost immediately flushed out by a bone-chilling cold that left him capable of just about anything...even though he was opposed to over-zealous violence as a general rule.

Sincerely,
Laurasia

[Demi]

Oct 25, 2012 14:11:53 GMT -5 Laurasia said:

One of the things that resonates the most for me about Hans' insanity is the extreme cold that would come over him. he would have an unbelievably strong flash of burning hot rage that would be almost immediately flushed out by a bone-chilling cold that left him capable of just about anything...even though he was opposed to over-zealous violence as a general rule.

Sincerely,
Laurasia

Sometimes I see something similar happening to Fritsi. He also was much against violence and sick of it. He was beaten up by his dad as a kid and I think that could be the reason why he could be so protective, but sometimes when angry he could see people as they weren't living beings, more like 'objects'. Seeing that insane part of him is pretty scary!

I think too it was a coping mechanism (disconnecting from others he disconnected from his own feelings and the pain there).

All the best
Demi

[Leutnantzursee]

That's interesting - Emil I think was taken away from his drunken violent father, so I too experienced that issue in childhood then - I had it in this life too sadly. It made us this way as men back then, I'm certain of it. Once again it brings me back to that film 'The white ribbon' it illustrates the roots of that Germanic cruelty so well.

Laurasia - that's so sad about Hans hon, I do always feel for him, I wonder if we ever met back then? I do resonate so much with this ladies, this rage and coldness combined, I've seen flashes of it in myself in this life, when I've known I could actually take a gun and put it to someone's head (when my daughter was being bullied). It terrified me, that I could even think such a thing, but now I know all this, I know its just residual stuff washing off me

[Storm]

I really relate to a lot on this thread. That whole sense of disconnectedness was a massive factor and built in to the training. In toughening up we also hurt so bad and ended up repressing so much. But if I didn't sometimes take an odd type of strength from it I think I would not cope.

Laurasia, I totally know that immense cold. When I am processing RH I get engulfed in it sometimes, especially when I am "reliving" his feelings about stuff, that whole disconnectedness. He used to get this intense sense of nervous excitement the further down the slippery slope he went into planned mass murder. I don't mean the type of excitement one gets any sense of pleasure from or gets off on in any way. It's a manic feeling that comes in short sharp bursts. He would get engulfed by this after key strategy meetings. And it was an altogether different type of manic excitement to the type he got when he was scheming his own stuff. And with it came this bitter, icy, bone chilling cold. And I got that as soon as Creation pretty much forced me to consciously explore the concept this man was my PL. I could not get warm for days. I'm getting a lot of stuff right now I should probably try and document and once again I have this bone chilling cold. But it relates directly to what we had to become back then in order to survive and to how it felt, and it must be even worse for those who took part in the operations in a hands on capacity.

I totally get the being the true self only really at home with the family too.

Inside me now there is still something of that psyched up fury and agony and the confusion over how it felt back then and what it feels like now, if that makes any sense. It is this I need to work with. Because I haven't yet fully reconciled it.

As we work through this stuff I believe we are somehow changing the vibrational nature of the residual energy of the SS. That has to be one of the best reconciliations of all and I can't express enough how proud I am of you guys and how honoured I feel to know you and to share this journey with you. The wounds of our souls will become fountains of wisdom and heal us. That is my feeling any way, for what it's worth. Blessings x

[gwida]

Reading through this thread, I can conclude only one one thing/type of emotions I felt the further I progressed on the Front (well, if it's a persistently recurring thought, could be some truth in it).

1) Everything seemed "grey".

2) I can barely remember seeing clearly -- possible side-effect of constantly being drugged.

3) Either drugs worked too well or it was my coping mechanism (possibly both), but I have a mental image of myself sitting on like, a bench -- possibly a log -- and it's winter, but I'm just staring blankly into empty space. It's like there's an entire internal conversation going on inside my head, but I'm not reacting to anything outside *notes very glazed look*. It's like I'm there, but at the same time, I'm not there.

And that's most of what comes to mind when I think about coping mechanisms. Maybe more is going to be coming later, if it already hasn't except I didn't realise it.


Interesting thread, especially reading how many people developed "shutting off" mechanisms to cope with their surroundings where one goes into auto-pilot mode.