Post by amaraeon on Aug 6, 2012 10:39:35 GMT -5
Thank You Lizzie66, and Laurasia. I just need to put things together again in a more careful way this time.
I'll start by what I *know*.
I remember living near a river in an old city with cobblestone streets.
I remember having a young daughter and also that I was already in the S.S. at that point. Conversely, I do not remember being married at any time during my last life.
I remember my sister being born in autumn shortly after I joined the HY because they announced it in front of the squad and congratulated me on it. I also remember them congratulating me on her having the same name as Hitlers sister -which means she would have been named Klara. I knew the name was familiar but originally thought it could have been her nanny's name. But I also have a familiarity with the name Celia or Cecilia ( which could very well be the nanny in question.)
I remember being forbidden to speak or even associate with my closest friend after my father found out I was still sneaking off to see him. He was Jewish and I'd been in the HY for about a month or so. I took the opportunity one night to go say goodbye to him at our secret hideout. I remember being shocked because he had to sew star patches onto his clothes. It made it impossible for us to be in public together at all. I said goodbye to him and his family and ran off after his father came home, looking rather cross with the fact that a HY kid was sitting in his living room.
I also remember that night getting chewed out by my father because he heard it through the grapevine that I was still seeing my friend and threatened me and my mom for defending me. That would have been about the time I pulled a knife on him.
I remember coming back from training and going upstairs to find my mother and father talking - though they were divorced at that point. He was really shocked to see me in uniform.
I remember my mom sitting me at the kitchen table and talking to me about adopting my baby sister.
I remember sitting in an old army covered truck - heading out east for some sort of order and being nervous because I didn't know what I would be expected to do when we got out there. The man across from me just smoked a cigarette and told me to talk with him afterwards.
I remember being horrified at the treatment of people during the Aktions out east, and doubly horrified that I was expected to shoot unarmed civilians. I recall that I must have known a few phrases in Polish, because I whispered an apology to the first man I killed. I didn't even have the fortune to be part of a firing squad - my superior officer noticed that I was deliberately hitting the berm instead of hitting the people and made me shoot this poor man personally.
I remember running from explosions in Kiev, being terrified that there was going to be a partisan counterattack. We weren't a military force - we wouldn't be able to defend against a coordinated army with heavy machinery.
I remember being caught by shrapnel after a grenade was thrown in the night at a train station. And I also remember some people I knew back then - the most familiar to me being Kurt Franz. I'm not entirely sure why that is.
I remember horseback riding, walking the camp at night, going home for an early Christmas one year ( strangely I could almost swear I took a dog with me that wasn't mine, but I have no way of confirming if Franz and I were that close that I could take Barry on vacation with me; though God knows that dog needed a respite from him! )
I remember a lot of things...that I was called Hans - whether as first or last name I'm not sure. That was how everyone referred to me while I was in the military, as Hans. So knowing the etiquette of the time it may well have been my last name. But it's up in the air for now.
Then there's the vague feelings that don't have a good explanation. The opinions that come out of nowhere - if that makes sense.
My first thought about Treblinka was 'Pine Trees' - which surround it. I'm quite fond of pine and feel most at home under their shade and surrounded by them. I recall though, that the trees were strange, they seemed stripped of branches close to the ground - up to nearly six or seven feet was cut bare of limbs. That's what I see in my mind anyway.
My first thought of Babi Yar was 'I don't want to go into this again.' I had a total and complete aversion of the entire subject for years despite openly researching and looking into other aktion sites as well as camps - it was just one of the few subjects I avoided like the plague and felt guilty about without understanding why.
My first thought about Belzec was 'Depressing Hell Hole. That place sucked.'
This is just a preliminary gathering of my thoughts. I'm working through the task of gathering up all of my PL information and reviewing all of my memories. I'm sure I've let my imagination get away from me at some points, I need to weed those points out so I can get somewhere meaningful.
So, that's a start.
I'll start by what I *know*.
I remember living near a river in an old city with cobblestone streets.
I remember having a young daughter and also that I was already in the S.S. at that point. Conversely, I do not remember being married at any time during my last life.
I remember my sister being born in autumn shortly after I joined the HY because they announced it in front of the squad and congratulated me on it. I also remember them congratulating me on her having the same name as Hitlers sister -which means she would have been named Klara. I knew the name was familiar but originally thought it could have been her nanny's name. But I also have a familiarity with the name Celia or Cecilia ( which could very well be the nanny in question.)
I remember being forbidden to speak or even associate with my closest friend after my father found out I was still sneaking off to see him. He was Jewish and I'd been in the HY for about a month or so. I took the opportunity one night to go say goodbye to him at our secret hideout. I remember being shocked because he had to sew star patches onto his clothes. It made it impossible for us to be in public together at all. I said goodbye to him and his family and ran off after his father came home, looking rather cross with the fact that a HY kid was sitting in his living room.
I also remember that night getting chewed out by my father because he heard it through the grapevine that I was still seeing my friend and threatened me and my mom for defending me. That would have been about the time I pulled a knife on him.
I remember coming back from training and going upstairs to find my mother and father talking - though they were divorced at that point. He was really shocked to see me in uniform.
I remember my mom sitting me at the kitchen table and talking to me about adopting my baby sister.
I remember sitting in an old army covered truck - heading out east for some sort of order and being nervous because I didn't know what I would be expected to do when we got out there. The man across from me just smoked a cigarette and told me to talk with him afterwards.
I remember being horrified at the treatment of people during the Aktions out east, and doubly horrified that I was expected to shoot unarmed civilians. I recall that I must have known a few phrases in Polish, because I whispered an apology to the first man I killed. I didn't even have the fortune to be part of a firing squad - my superior officer noticed that I was deliberately hitting the berm instead of hitting the people and made me shoot this poor man personally.
I remember running from explosions in Kiev, being terrified that there was going to be a partisan counterattack. We weren't a military force - we wouldn't be able to defend against a coordinated army with heavy machinery.
I remember being caught by shrapnel after a grenade was thrown in the night at a train station. And I also remember some people I knew back then - the most familiar to me being Kurt Franz. I'm not entirely sure why that is.
I remember horseback riding, walking the camp at night, going home for an early Christmas one year ( strangely I could almost swear I took a dog with me that wasn't mine, but I have no way of confirming if Franz and I were that close that I could take Barry on vacation with me; though God knows that dog needed a respite from him!
)I remember a lot of things...that I was called Hans - whether as first or last name I'm not sure. That was how everyone referred to me while I was in the military, as Hans. So knowing the etiquette of the time it may well have been my last name. But it's up in the air for now.
Then there's the vague feelings that don't have a good explanation. The opinions that come out of nowhere - if that makes sense.
My first thought about Treblinka was 'Pine Trees' - which surround it. I'm quite fond of pine and feel most at home under their shade and surrounded by them. I recall though, that the trees were strange, they seemed stripped of branches close to the ground - up to nearly six or seven feet was cut bare of limbs. That's what I see in my mind anyway.
My first thought of Babi Yar was 'I don't want to go into this again.' I had a total and complete aversion of the entire subject for years despite openly researching and looking into other aktion sites as well as camps - it was just one of the few subjects I avoided like the plague and felt guilty about without understanding why.
My first thought about Belzec was 'Depressing Hell Hole. That place sucked.'
This is just a preliminary gathering of my thoughts. I'm working through the task of gathering up all of my PL information and reviewing all of my memories. I'm sure I've let my imagination get away from me at some points, I need to weed those points out so I can get somewhere meaningful.
So, that's a start.
I'm still trying to figure out who I was. 
It was certainly make escaping more difficult if one had to stay at ground level with no cover. Just a thought anyway. 
[sad but unfortunately very true] So not the best survival strategy - it would be much better to just run away...even though we could see for hundreds of feet because we cut the branches off the trees. And even without that we had dogs.