Post by sweetlunapie on Nov 14, 2010 7:42:12 GMT -5
Try to really let that feeling of guilt go, because you did what you did for survival. It is all about the intent, in my opinion, and people have to do whatever they can to survive in situations like that. I believe that you have paid your dues and you would not do it again...we all have those things in our lives, and we have to learn to forgive ourselves, not just get forgiveness for what we have done...
There is so much sadness coming from this, and I can't imagine how much guilt you are carrying from this event. It's okay to take your time to work through it all.
I want to hug your past self as well...to be put in that situation is so hard. Oddly enough, I have had a few dreams along this nature. In one, I was a nazi living alone in my house with my beloved cat. I was not a party supporter and not really behind what we were doing, but I had to pretend to be. Another nazi was coming to visit me, and I had the distinct fear that he would harm my cat, my most beloved family, if I did not cooperate with the party. It was that fear that kept me trapped.
I've had several others dreams along this nature --always centered on my risking the life of one of my cats by stepping out of line-- and in them I worry so much over their safety that I am willing to make concessions I wouldn't normally in order to protect them. While the plot of the dreams aren't from reality (as I was clearly never a nazi), that same instinct, the same pressure Heinrich felt, was made very clear to me.
You were still so immensely brave to have stood up for yourself the way you did later on. I'm sorry the anniversary of Kristallnacht reminds you very painfully of what it took to get to that point. I do hope and pray for your being able to find peace and self-forgiveness!
Post by privatetucker on Nov 15, 2010 4:33:53 GMT -5
Awwww. *joins in the mountain of hugs*
I do agree with the rest--that your guilt now, as hard as it is to let go of, doesn't do you much good now. I always think of it this way: even though are past lives are fragments of who we are now, they don't fully define us now. You're not Heinrich now, and I know you would never do /anything/ like that ever again.
So guilt doesn't help much, though it's quite understandable, and I am sorry you have to remember that. D8
"His voice isn't angry. It's hollow, which is worse. Already the boy with the bread is slipping away from me."
Believe me, like you Andi, I know the guilt of having been a perpetrator during the Holocaust. The memories of murdering others are not pleasant to deal with. While the guilt is not productive or healthy for us nowadays the very fact that having such memories tears out our guts is, in & of itself, a sure sign that we have progressed so very far as souls though.
That being said, you also need to find something else to do with those guilty feelings other than stewing in them. That's what helps you to transform them into something productive.
Post by kapitanprien on Dec 1, 2010 13:18:13 GMT -5
I happened to read through this thread and came across this:
Laurasia: Needless to say, I've yet to connect with any of Hans' former victims & don't particularly look forward to the awkwardness of it either.
I've had that happen to me some years ago. I was talking with someone via chat through a spiritual board and they said they suddenly got very cold and they felt like they were drowning in cold water. They also said my face looked familiar (although being in a U-Boat I don't know how they would recognize it...but anyway...). She told me about all this and I mentioned the Arandora Star which I had torpedoed with a fluke torpedo in July 1940. I can't remember what made me bring up that ship - as much of the conversation is lost to my memory. But I guess she was on one of the ships that I had torpedoed.