Salutations! Because 'yo' is too short.

[amaraeon]

Yes, I suppose I'm a new face around here. I really hope I'm putting this in the right place and all - I don't do this very often.

Where to start? Well, through my own investigation I've discovered that I did have a past life during WW2. Most of my memories have started coming back - none of them good really. I did discover that I was an officer in the S.S. - Totenkopf division. From what I can piece together I first worked in one of the action-groups before being transfered to Treblinka following the death of one of their guards. Later I was injured by inmates during an uprising and sent to recover. Once I'd finished recovering I was sent to Dachau where I was shot by American troops upon liberation.

I recall having a sister who I was the sole guardian of. My father ran out as soon as my mother had died - taking a younger and prettier bride to start a new life somewhere else. Seeing as I was getting paid fairly well ( revolting when I come to think of it) I was given custody of my sister who I then raised as my own. She was young, about twelve as the war was ending. I had to hire a caretaker since I was not able to be there for her. I feel really bad about that - probably why I still seethe when I think about dying at Dachau. It was not my life that concerned me, but the fact that I was practically the only father my sister knew ( weird now that I see it.) and when I died she was left an orphan in war-torn Germany with no one to care for her at the age of twelve.

I also had a friend when I was younger, a Jew from my neighborhood. We promised we'd always be 'blood brothers' no matter what happened. We had a bit of a bittersweet reunion - I saved him from immediate execution when he arrived at Dachau. I had hoped to get him out at least, told him he'd have to have plenty of children when he got out as retribution. Neither one of us made it.

As for this life I had a hard time adjusting. Growing up when I looked in the mirror I always expected to see someone else. I still do. I remember the games I played as a kid - it really should have been obvious from that alone. What five year old plays a game where a family has to hide or the police will kill them? What kid sets up a railroad track with a 'facility' by it where everyone 'disappears'?

I tended to avoid my German heritage -my mother and everyone else for the most part on that side of the family having been born and raised in Germany. All my life I just felt like I could never be accepted as even half German - and never understood where that thought was coming from.

I ended up with the screaming terrors in high school as memories came back in dreams. Then I figured out what they were and started to cope. My interest in the S.S. finally made some sort of sense, as did my dreams and the intense guilt I felt when WW2 was mentioned.

Around the first anniversary of my getting shrapnel in my side my vision in my right eye started to go downhill. On the inside of my left arm is the remains of a little freckle or mole where the blood group tattoo given to members of the S.S. would have been. That little sucker followed me right on through.

And every anniversary of my death in late April get a nice complex migraine - it feels like a stroke but is 'harmless' - as a result of being shot in the back of the head.
I'm not entirely 'fixed'. My affinity for black clothing seems to persist; I just can't bear to wear colors as it feels out of place for me. My room looks like something out of an old picture complete with fainting couch, solid wood furniture and a round rug. I can be coldly calculating in adverse situations - even when I'm trying to be supportive. Sometimes that bluntness comes out wrong. I don't really mean it to so I stick with the option of keeping my mouth shut. That and I have an absolutely macabre sense of humor that unfortunately sneaks into my conscious brain before the ethic-o-filter catches it. Another case in which I keep my mouth shut.

Not exactly me in a nutshell - unless we're talking about coconuts here.

[msmir]

Wow thanks for coming and telling your story, just wondering how you found this forum? Anyway welcome and hope you become comfortable here. I am a past life Auschwitz victim and healing from a WW2 PL regardless of what side of the fence you are on is not easy, but we agreed to come here to heal.

[Leutnantzursee]

Hi and welcome :-)

I so feel for you regarding having to be a guardian to a little sister whilst in service. I too was left with a much younger sister to care for, and I did a lousy job of that in the end, it has haunted me badly into this lifetime, where I have this compulsion to 'rescue' souls in some way, a terrible guilt complex over handing my disabled sister to the authorities to be euthenised. Many of us who were on the German side (as I was, except navy, not SS) are women in this life, I think it is so that we have a better chance of expressing those terrible repressed emotions, which could turn a person mad - and sometimes I think they do come close to doing that (!) were we to be in a male body, having to deal with all that male conditioning again, it would have made the process so much harder. But yes, still it can be challenging not to slip back to those old habits of emotional reticence, remember we were all entrained to deny our humanity in the HJ, and believe me, I thought I was some kind of Aryan warrior god, we all did. It is a painful and difficult journey, and a lonely one sometimes. How can you tell people you fought for the Reich in your last life, let alone that you were a member of the SS? I think even saying you were a victim at a camp, would make people shy away. We are a unique group of souls whether victims or perpetrators and all shades in between. Thank God for this forum, truly, many of us have found this space the only refuge we have, the only place we can go to where we won't be criticized or laughed at. I hope you'll stick around an get to know us all, we're a good bunch! ;-)

All the best :-)

[gerhardt]

Amaraeon,
Welcome on! I'm new here, too, and look forward to hearing more about your experiences. I was also at Treblinka for most, if not all of my camp service days. Feel free to message me if you'd like to talk privately about that, or just address me here on the boards. I don't recall having seen anyone else around here that shared our camp.

You're so right, it is chilling how those other aspects of ourselves and our memories come through. It's as though when we are so young we act out pieces of our old lives, almost in order to give our own later minds a flag, or marker, to verify our bizarre recollections by. Not to mention our old attitudes of being So Superior to everyone else can hinder us, or make us hard to understand in this time.

It's interesting, what lizzie66 says about so many of the old SS men being women now. I'm not a woman, but I'm a very intuitive gay man (some would say that's just about the same). She makes a good point about choosing to go into the opposite gender to allow for our (very important) expression. We former criminals have so much to express-to each other, our victims, and ourselves.

Best,
Gerhardt

[Storm]

Hello and welcome. It's a really strange place to find oneself when one recalls an SS life. Hope you find answers and healing here.

[amaraeon]

Thank You all for giving me an understanding welcome. In this life I have been fortunate enough to have a core group of friends who know exactly what I was ( even if I've not told all of them the details ) and who still stand by me regardless.

Actually...it seems like they mostly expected me to be a reincarnated Nazi. I didn't surprise anyone there. I guess it comes with the territory when your group is full of pagans and spiritualists. Or I'm really transparent and have a lot of learning to do.

I don't hate or think I'm better than any group in this life though. That's a good sign. Major improvement.

Sometimes I wonder though about being reincarnated in this body - it's like I still have my masculine mind in a very not masculine body. Actually, that caused me no end of grief in my early life. My brain told me I was a blond and blue eyed boy. My mirror begged to differ. My body agreed with my mirror sometime after puberty.

Well played karma...well played.

In any case I've mostly gotten over that and accepted myself the way I am. I don't try to hide my new heritage, have stopped feeling 'less than' on account of it. I even smile and nod politely when the wannabe rappers ask for my number. (I can overlook skin tone, grammar is a pet peeve of mine.)

It's a weird world you know. If I had run into my PL he would have shot me on sight - not out of hate but out of some strange sense of duty. So to be reincarnated how I am to day was most definitely culture shock.

I don't mind talking about my experiences so much, and most especially not if it can help others with their own journey through life. It won't be at all for the faint of heart though. As I mentioned, I was assigned to an action group for a short time. It was long enough to see how they worked. I wanted out and there was no easy way to do it. Somewhere along the line it came up that Treblinka needed more guards - there had been a stabbing incident and an S.S. man had been killed by an inmate with a hidden knife or something.

I figured it was a holding and internment camp or something so I volunteered to go. When I arrived and was given the tour of the place I realized what I was in for and wanted to transfer yet again. I was told it was not possible. More likely than not it was possible but only to active duty on the front fighting the Russians. ( i.e. a good way to get yourself killed for the Fatherland.)

Precaution: the following may be disturbing to some persons.

Now. I figured out that I had been at Treblinka through a weird set of circumstances. My migraines had been pretty bad but sometimes I ended up with pain outside of that - my whole right arm and side would hurt as if something were lodged near the elbow. By this time I had already discovered my PL.

Then while trying to recover some memories I had a vision of myself guarding a gate at night. It was fairly cold, middle of the Polish winter and I was freezing despite my cold weather uniform. Something had happened further down the line and it had taken the origin longer than normal to fill the train. By the time it came in it was dark. But it wasn't like we could just leave them there overnight so we had to offload them upon arrival - despite the unusual circumstances.

My clearest memory is of an angry young man - probably not much older than myself - lunging or something. It took a moment to realize he had thrown a grenade towards the gathered officers. I had enough time to turn before it went off. I was far enough away that I wasn't killed but the explosion caused me to lose the hearing in my right ear. A piece of shrapnel grazed my right cheek up to near my hairline and one was either lodged in my elbow or had cut it badly - as well as the knee. Had I taken the hit full on I would have died.

As horrible as it is I remember facing back and returning fire with my service pistol as I limped away. I hadn't been heavily armed but some of the other guards were. Someone, I don't know who, helped me away from the scene - someone else joined in later and both of them took me to the doctor.

You can look now.

That was the vision I had. So using that information I looked for a recorded incident where an uprising had taken place at night involving an explosion that injured S.S. officers. Turns out there was only one, at Treblinka.
I can tell you my heart just about dropped through the floor when I read that. There's a subtle difference between a concentration camp and a death camp and once you've seen both you don't forget what that difference is. In a concentration camp they pretend you have a chance and stifle the truth as long as they can - in an extermination camp they don't even bother to hide that you're going to die.

So that was how that piece was added to the puzzle.


Should have been a tanker.

[Laurasia]

Hello Amaraeon.

Welcome to the forum. I am very sorry for my delayed reply, but I have had no internet connection for some time now. Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts & recollections with all of us. I was trained at Dachau, served some time with the Einsatzgruppen, worked in the T4 program in Austria, & was stationed in a death camp. Chelmno in my case. Indeed the differences between the two types of camps can be subtle....unless you've experienced both.

I hope that you enjoy yourself here & am glad that you were able to find us. If you have any questions or concerns please feel free to PM either myself or our Global Moderator, Msmir.

Sincerely,
Laurasia