silver
Junior Member
Posts: 61
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Post by silver on Feb 5, 2011 22:27:21 GMT -5
Hey, everyone, I'm Silver.
I've only recently begun meditating and trying to access past life memories; I've been lurking on these 'ere forums reading everything like a stalker studious person. Actually, part of the reason I'm posting is to make me feel like I'm not that creepy xD
I don't actually know much about WWII, Nazi Germany, or the Holocaust - just the bare bones from grammar school. I hated studying it; the few (very sanitised) photographs in my textbook made me feel sick to my stomach - never welcome for an emetophobe. I got into a vicious argument with my history teacher at the time (who was a nasty little weasel-man anyway) during that portion of my GCSE course - he was trying to tell us about the "wonderful things Hitler did for Germany", and I hit the roof. I'm usually a very detached, logical person, and I know intellectually that Hitler's regime did have benefits for the economically-weak Germany... but it's as if my mind simply refuses to give that any weight whatsoever. Wow, I'm going on a tangent, huh >>;
I also had an emotional issue with the Germans living near the camps, who saw the chimneys working every night - and the smell of that particular smoke - and the victims arriving in droves, but rarely ever leaving. Yet they professed to have no idea what was happening. I had this... burning anger about it. Logically, again, I knew there were reasons, not least the desire to keep living themselves, but again, it felt like a personal insult to use these as 'excuses'. Sigh.
When I began the meditations and attempted regressions, I had to admit something: if I was indeed involved in the Holocaust, it was as a victim. I'm a human rights activist, an anti-war protester, and I live in a country that's just survived nearly four decades of civil war and is still rife with bigotry which drives me nuts. There was no way I could ever have been so much as a sympathiser, right? I'm one of the Good Guys! (You can see where I'm going with this.)
Eventually, my first fragment came through. It's not much, but it's a start. For the first time I felt I wasn't making this up, that it was... hm, how to explain - it was like knowledge I'd forgotten I had. There was this background sense of "oh yeah, I remember now". It was strange - the memory was both completely new to me, but so familiar. A little like that weird displacement you feel with deja vu. I'll put it up in the memories section sometime; I think I want to try to recall it further first.
Anyway, that's my other reason for posting. In my memory, I was engaged to an SS officer working in a concentration camp. (I said you could see where I was going with this, didn't I?)
Wow, long intro. Let me summarise: I'm Silver, I talk a lot, I like cats - surely I mentioned that somewhere, it's a basic feature of my personality! - and I like this forum. I'm not yet sure whether I like my old self ;]
You deserve a cookie for reading through all that <3
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Iseke
Full Member
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Post by Iseke on Feb 6, 2011 1:06:34 GMT -5
Hello! And a huge welcome!
Ohh, I know how it feels to find out you were a perpetrator or a sympathizer in an event surrounding an ugly issue you now feel so strongly about. But you are more than understood and supported here!
It is nice to meet you, and I look forward to reading your memories! By the way, do you happen to know the camp your fiancé worked in?
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Post by mccoyxyz on Feb 6, 2011 6:41:57 GMT -5
I must admit to being a little surprised that your teacher would express such a view. When I went to school, the teachers were clearly deathly afraid of the whole topic, afraid to say one word that wasn't in the actual text book itself. Oh well, perhaps different time and place.
What of course complicates the whole western world view is the immediate Cold War happenings post WW2. Suddenly there was a whole lot of interest in deciding West Germany was really our ally against the Evil Empire (to quote Ronald Reagan). Had this not been in place, the whole thing would have turned out differently.
For example the western allies knew absolutely zip in the intelligence sense about the USSR and were totally in thrall to Gehlen, who indeed knew lots. Or think of von Braun, needed in the US space program, so it became necessary to gloss over what had happened in those rocket factories.
The whole thing was remarkably cynical but there is a word for that, "Realpolitik". And in a practical sense, if you live with the fear of total nuclear annhilation, you take your expertise wherever you can find it and don't ask a whole lot of indiscrete questions.
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silver
Junior Member
Posts: 61
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Post by silver on Feb 6, 2011 12:29:45 GMT -5
Hi, Iseke, and thank you <3
Nope, I don't know yet. I did a WikiRamble of camps (my constitution for Holocaust pictures has improved somewhat, otherwise... yikes) but nothing leapt out at me or seemed especially familiar. It's part of what made me feel this wasn't a product of my imagination - I would want to know where he worked, how much I knew about it, how much I was a witness to. Instead, I got a few snippets about our relationship, about his character and mine. To the modern me, that's very frustrating! I don't even know how long he worked in the camp, if he was at more than one... big floating question mark. Gah.
I'm not quite ready to post it up, I'm going to try meditating again with some of those Isochronic Tones you suggested (I'm a huge skeptic, by the way, but that really helped - I'm usually awful at meditating). This might sound a little weird, but... even though I had this strong connection to the fragments, I'm sort of... I guess I'm sort of hoping it was wrong? Just something I read forming into pictures?
I know it must sound sick, especially to the reincarnated victims, that I'd rather have been one of them, and experienced that unspeakable torment, than been a sympathiser who appears to have been rich. I guess I just feel I have more in common - like the emetophobia - with them, a sort of bond in our current lives. It's hard to accept that it's just a coincidence, and I was on the other side, so I can't help questioning what I saw. I hope the ex-Nazis don't feel hurt by this. I know you're new people, and lovely ones at that. This is sort of a personal challenge for me.
As to the teacher, he loved being controversial. He thought it would shock us into learning more. Honestly, though, he was a misogynist with a fear of black people and supported the paramilitary war in my country. This... did not sit well with me. But trust me, those twenty-three detentions were so worth it. I almost wish I could meet him now, as an adult, and use the swear words I had to censor out in school ;D
Thanks for the replies, guys.
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Iseke
Full Member
Posts: 242
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Post by Iseke on Feb 6, 2011 17:01:46 GMT -5
I'm not quite ready to post it up, I'm going to try meditating again with some of those Isochronic Tones you suggested (I'm a huge skeptic, by the way, but that really helped - I'm usually awful at meditating). This might sound a little weird, but... even though I had this strong connection to the fragments, I'm sort of... I guess I'm sort of hoping it was wrong? Just something I read forming into pictures? I know it must sound sick, especially to the reincarnated victims, that I'd rather have been one of them, and experienced that unspeakable torment, than been a sympathiser who appears to have been rich. I guess I just feel I have more in common - like the emetophobia - with them, a sort of bond in our current lives. It's hard to accept that it's just a coincidence, and I was on the other side, so I can't help questioning what I saw. I hope the ex-Nazis don't feel hurt by this. I know you're new people, and lovely ones at that. This is sort of a personal challenge for me.
And, I do understand your feelings about wishing you had just been a victim. I would be lying if I said my heart didn't leap to hear that I was part of the resistance, as the Holocaust was always such a big deal to me. As much as the torture of it is something huge I have to deal with in this life (and as such I would argue that victims have racked up loads of negative karma), I would rather have done that than be a perpetrator.
As much as some people wish to believe, no one comes out on top with something like this. We all came out with bruised souls and it will take a lot to heal. But those of us who try to make a difference for good in our lives, well....that is all we can do.
And you never know how much good you could have done being in the position you were in! |
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silver
Junior Member
Posts: 61
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Post by silver on Feb 6, 2011 17:21:28 GMT -5
Thank you, Iseke! It's amazing that somebody can understand what I meant by that, especially somebody who went through such horrible experiences. It seems the reason I had such an anger towards 'normal' Germans living by the camps is because I was one of them. I put up the memories that I have in the appropriate section, and I mentioned that Marlene - my old me - had no spine to speak of. I genuinely feel that this explains my incredibly spineful modern self - I hate the idea of letting atrocities slide past because of personal fear. Standing up for my beliefs, and for what is right, means the world to me. I wonder if I would have felt that way had I not spent a lifetime doing exactly the opposite.
However, as I said, I currently have very little fondness for that version of myself. We're so unalike, and she seemed to embody so many things that I hate, that it's very hard to accept we're the same soul. I'm really hoping to discover more about her family life, to see if perhaps there was some reason or justification for her attitudes - or at least to show me that she wasn't the repugnant person I see her as now.
The tones definitely help with my focus. I have an intensely busy mind - never shuts up, actually - and something about the noise helps me to force those thoughts away and refocus on my breathing. Music, on the other hand, completely distracts me and I have to restrain myself from humming along :P Are there any particular tones on the Iso-Tones page (yay free stuff!) that help your meditation?
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Post by msmir on Feb 7, 2011 0:44:40 GMT -5
Good to meet another emetophobe.. not that I am happy you are an emetophobe but it is always nice to connect with those who understand where we are coming from in that regard. As far as wishing you were a victim rather than a perpetrator, I understand why you would say that. But keep in mind we have played all kinds of roles in different lifetimes, victim, perpetrator, rich b*tch (that was me in my Victorian era), poor, etc... remember you are in a new case, new life, gaining new experiences and learning from old...welcome to the board.
Best,
Mir
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silver
Junior Member
Posts: 61
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Post by silver on Feb 7, 2011 13:59:31 GMT -5
Iseke - Spineful is my new word of the week :D And I can see what you mean; Irina went through some terrible experiences, and if she had no chance to work through that trauma in her lifetime, the repercussions may be with you in this one. But I firmly believe you're right about inner strength. It's just a question of finding it and allowing it to guide and sustain you - perhaps learning about Irina's life is the best way to do that? She sounds like an incredibly strong, courageous person, and I don't believe such defining and positive traits can ever truly be 'wiped clean' in a new incarnation. Just slightly misplaced :P
I was extra grateful for the Deep Meditation tone at 9am today, when I woke up with a truly atrocious migraine - last time I had one that bad I ended up in hospital D: But with Ibuprofen and co-dydramol taken, I just had to wait it out without going completely insane. I swear that tone is what helped me survive the pain (I didn't yark this time, yaaay!). I haven't tried Project yet, but I love Float - not for meditation, but just for the awesome sensations xD
MsMir - It's always great to meet another emetophobe. I think given the reactions we get when we tell people, we have a sense of community or something with each other. It's always nice to find out you're not alone, isn't it? When I told classmates as a teenager, they would fake being ill and stuff so they could laugh at my reaction. One panic attack later, and my best friend punching the ringleader, and they mercifully cut it out.
Thank you for the warm welcome. I completely agree that for a soul to evolve, we need to experience every walk of life - good and bad, right and wrong, rich and poor. But when it comes to such an emotional and dreadful topic as the Holocaust, it becomes especially difficult to accept that our souls played a part on the worst side. I think that's the main challenge I have to face, and the reason Marlene's memories have finally begun to come up. I need to learn on an emotional level, rather than a conscious level, that my part in it was an experience meant for me to grow - that exploring the other side of the coin has contributed to this lifetime.
It's easier said than done, but I think if I can come to terms with it, I'll be a better person :]
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silver
Junior Member
Posts: 61
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Post by silver on Feb 7, 2011 14:58:02 GMT -5
Ooh, yes; having something to concentrate on is a huge key to getting through pain. I have a little mantra I use when I'm actually being ill, which brings me some comfort, but unfortunately it's no use during a migraine. I can't read or watch anything, can't sleep... just writhe around in a cool, dark room fantasising about smacking the side of my head with a hammer >>; The tones did what they do for me when meditating; give me a chance to redirect my focus. Eventually it lessened and I fell asleep, but then my mp3 player switched to 'Try Honesty' by Billy Talent. It's impossible to sleep to XD Thankfully I fell right back to sleep when I turned it off x3
Heh, I'm starting to think all emetophobes have some past life trauma to cause it ;] I'd try meditating to ask about what caused mine - if indeed it was my most recent lifetime, or whether Marlene had it also, or experienced the cause herself - but I honestly don't feel I'm anywhere near ready finding those memories. Perhaps after some CBT, if I feel strong enough. Bob knows remembering phobia-related incidents from this lifetime are difficult enough!
Do you plan on trying to work on your phobia? I don't have a lot of choice; it's that or stay on medication indefinitely :/ While they're good, the mirtazapine in particular gives me really crazy dreams. I used to be a lucid dreamer, and was hoping to use some of those skills to recall memories during my sleep. When I tried last night, I ended up with the past lives of, erm, The Simpsons characters XD Man, I can't wait to get off that medication...
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Post by msmir on Feb 8, 2011 22:45:03 GMT -5
I am sorry you went through that and dealt with cruel classmates. If my classmates knew about my phobia I am sure they would have made themselves puke on me! Yep especially in middle school they were cruel. Unfortunately I have not had many positive experiences with other emetophobes in the past. Mostly because they judged me for not being ready to heal from it. That is none of their business as I am a firm believer in knowing on a soul level what we need to face and what we can put on the back burner. Even though I know how my phobia started I am no where near healing from it and that is ok. I have enough other priorities in my incarnation to worry about!  |
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Post by Laurasia on Feb 9, 2011 15:49:40 GMT -5
I know that this is late (life has been crazy recently), but welcome to the site Silver, it's great having you here! And, indeed, there are quite a few emetophobes here - it seems to come with the territory quite often. Another healing aspect of the site...emotophobes can connect with others who share their phobia.  I have to say that you sound a lot like my partner Miss Bothmann, who was my fiance in our last lifetimes. She was a Nazi supporter as well, obviously, & now has zero tolerance for such attitudes. You both may find that you have quite a bit in common & may be able to provoke recollections from one another. I know what you mean about having difficulty in reconciling the fact that you were a Nazi supporter (or, as in my own case, a direct perpetrator of Nazi atrocities) with the person that you are in this lifetime. And while gaining understanding as to why Marlene held the views that she did, or possibly just chose to hold her tongue, will be healing for you, it also most likely won't be easy to deal with either. I have had similar issues with my own past life. While I absolutely do not agree with what Hans did, I have a complete understanding of why he did the things that he did. I know what his thought-processes & reasonings were, so I can empathize with him. That doesn't mean that I condone his actions, but I understand the circumstances that allowed him to do them. There is a big difference but sometimes that is difficult for even me to grasp. It especially was in the beginning. I hope that you will continue to work & grow through all of this regardless of how difficult it can be though. It takes time, patience & lots of turbulent emotions, but it is definitely worth the effort. Sincerely, Laurasia |
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silver
Junior Member
Posts: 61
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Post by silver on Feb 10, 2011 13:16:35 GMT -5
MsMir, I think their reaction reflects more on them than it does on you. People trying to conquer their phobias take it for granted that everyone else is, too, and you'll be able to tell them what helps you, what therapy you're taking, or just empathise with how hard it is to beat. When they discover you're at peace with it, they're robbed of that opportunity and they get mad. I've found people without emetophobia, but with something like fear of heights or spiders, tend to empathise with the decision not to work on it. They need only avoid tall buildings or dark corners, so the avoidance technique makes sense to them. Emetophobes, on the other hand, have so many triggers and potential phobia-incidents just in everyday life, that the idea of not trying to overcome it seems alien. It's important for them to remember that each person is an individual, and so is their form of emetophobia, and they're the best judge of whether it needs to be worked on. I guess that sense of community I mentioned is a double-edged sword ;]
Laurasia, I hope it's a good kind of crazy, and thank you for the warm welcome ^^
The empathy and understanding of your past incarnation is definitely what I need to find with Marlene. I'll never, ever approve of the path she took, but I do want to know why she took it. I know she's always expected men to be aggressive; I think that's why seeing the prisoner struck down affected her so, because she was used to men defending themselves. I'd like to see her childhood; I only took one course of Psychology in college, but I think she had some daddy issues :P Figuring out her motivations would likely help me to push aside my anger towards her, and perhaps help me recall more. A work in progress, as ever.
Miss Bothmann's memories did strike a chord with me. I don't have anything near that level of recollection, though, so I can't say I'd be able to hold up a long conversation ;] I'd definitely love to hear more memories. Reading through them is quite thought-provoking.
I've found a couple who offer past-life regressions in my area, but I'm a little uncertain. I don't know if they have any credentials, how much they charge, etc. And my family is terrible with guided visualisations, hypnosis and the like - Paul McKenna (a very famous hypnotist here) tried to hypnotise my dad once, backstage at a Children in Need show. He proclaimed him to be invincible xD Sadly it runs in the family - I think that's part of the reason it was impossible for me to meditate until recently. A therapist tried twice with me, and now every time I hear the words "We are going on a journey" I break into giggles. (She followed it with, 'a journey... to the world of You' and I just cackled.)
Have any of you guys tried regression therapists? Any good results, or was it a dubious way to spend your money?
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Post by Laurasia on Feb 11, 2011 14:18:35 GMT -5
Hi Silver. I think that understanding Marlene's world & inner-workings will be very beneficial for you to see why you lived such a lifetime as well. When I first discovered having lived Hans' lifetime & having been the type of person that he was I was horrified. I was physicallly sick for two days afterwards (& this was on a vacation no less!) because of it. I've always been able to empathize with the bad guys in movies & such though, much to others' dismay, & didn't understand how or where that was coming from. I guess now I do. LMAO! Yeah I know what you mean about some people get a bit too "New-Agey" with the terminology that they use. And if you're particularly prone to being tickled by that sort of thing it could possibly slim down your options on what tools to use. There is one book/CD set that I have found rather helpful myself. It is called "Healing Your Past Lives: Exploring the Many Lives of the Soul" by Dr. Roger J. Woolger. He has a very smooth, relaxing voice to guide your through the various regressions & focuses on going into your present-day memories & then applying them to another time to fascilitate past life recall, rather than "going to another world". The only issue that I've really had with these particular guided regressions is that they move along too fast for me. I would prefer it if he would hold the moments of silence a little longer after getting your mindset into certain scenes...but at least the regressions have worked for me! Other than using that particular CD of guided meditations the only other ones that I've used have been out of books & have been dictated to me by Miss Bothmann when another person was needed to follow the regression. I've never been to a professional regressionist myself. (Not that there are any in my area if I wanted to  ) There are other options though...MsMir, my Moderator here on the site, does astrologically based past life readings (among other similar services ) professionally. You can either contact her here on the site via PM or you can visit her website here to see a list of her services, prices, & contact info. We also have another member, Sweetlunapie, who also does past-life readings professionally & she offers a free reading to all of our site members. You will have to send her a PM here on the site about getting a reading from her though so that she can be sure that you are indeed a registered member of the site. ;D Sincerely, Laurasia Sincerely, Laurasia Oh now don't worry about there needing to be long conversations about your guys' recollections. I've found that sometimes just talking through feelings & potentials with others is sometimes enough to bring on recollections for me. It's almost as though Hans is in there saying "No, no, no. This is how it was." LOL! |
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) that works pretty well, so that is always nice to have on hand! 
I agree that exploring that lifetime will help me work through my sense of doom and fear and that my inner strength will become more apparent to me! And you are right about the strength that will come to you as well in exploring Marlene's life. <3
)